Can anybody relate to this?

Yes. God. Its exhausting. Sometimes I quietly go on strike to see if that prompts others to take the reins, but it doesn't....

I also have a tendency to organise holidays, seeing friends, food shopping, finances , car services etc at home as well as helping the DC with their problems. My DH doesn't intentionally leave it all to me and sometimes I dig my heels in and ask him to take responsibility for a or b.

I know how you feel. I too was always the one to run around after my parents, while my spoiled younger sister made excuses. When I married, my DH was hopeless with money, so I ended up being the one who worried about paying the bills, while he thoughtlessly spent money on trivialities.
If the family was doing anything I was "Don't forget to" and "Have you packed your...?"
The childrens' problems were also my problems, even after they married, and i used to lose sleep worrying about them - though they didn't expect me to solve things for them.
One day, I had a wake-up moment, and said to myself, "It's not your problem. Let it go." Now I try not to get too involved in other peoples' affairs, and take a step back. I still help people out sometimes, and still do everything at home as I am now widowed, but I have taught myself how to say NO. That is what you need to do, too, for the sake of your own mental and physical health.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I understand how you feel as I was in the same boat some years ago. Unfortunately it led to me becoming very ill - and there was a lot of moaning that I couldn't carry on as before. As I got better the demands just slowly increased again. You have to learn to say no. It can be made gentle - "I'm so sorry but I can't help you with that right now....." It's very hard to do but you have to look after yourself. What use to them would you be if you became ill? Ask yourself - " is this vital/very important/life threatening? and if it isn't - say NO. xxxxx

It’s funny but group dynamics can determine whose going to be the joker, the poorly one, the rescuer, the distant one etc. We fall into a pattern of being and others expect us to continue to keep the ‘dance’ going.

Watch what happens when you learn to play a different role and say no. You CAN do it! ?

Hello Dragonfly. You sound really down in the dumps so I am sending you.
You will have to draw on your inner resources and ask for help. In turn do not appear to be coping all the time but show the weaker side of yourself sometimes Learn to say NO. This might sound severe but it is the only way to let others know that you are not prepared to do everything .
I am so sorry that you were unable to go to Madeira and hope this is not because you were expected to help someone else.
Sending you my best wishes .
Carole Anne.

Husbands and children need clear instructions on what you want/expect them to do. Preferably in numerical order of priority. They very rarely put themselves into your shoes. You may need to say: “I need to take care of myself, I am feeling .....and I need you to do....”.
My mother always thought we should have known that she wanted this or that done....”. We never did as most of the time we offered to do something she declined. Ask for help.

Dragonfly , you are a wonderful person and people turn to you because you are so lovely , kind and thoughtful And you probably wouldn't really have it any other way.!! BUT to keep up your care for others you must care for yourself . A monthly treat - a spa day , girls lunch, quiet time with a book etc ME time is needed, also the advice above is good . Chin up , hope your blues have already passed ???

In the same boat dragonfly. Always a yes person and the more you do the more they ask of you. As a person said, people will only treat you the way you let them and the older you get the more draining it is. Adult children never think that you're getting older I'm afraid. Reading the posts there's many of us ladies that are taking on too much, we really must learn to say no and say that we can't cope with everything. So sorry you've missed your holiday. Hope you can go away soon. Hugs.

I sympathise. I wonder if, when the next problem comes along as it surely will, you could say something like, 'I reckon you should ... to solve this. Have a go .. ' or even ' I'm not sure, what do you think you should do?' 'What would you do if I wasn't available?' Try to bat it back into their own court, as it were.

I think a lot of us understand how you feel dragon but now and again learn to say no to certain things.

Hope you can get another holiday Dragonfly and soon.holidays pick me up instantly the moment I'm on the plane with a nice meal or read.

sounds like you have had enough of fixing everyone,i had a similar life experience up until a few years ago,I totally burnt out and couldn't care or listen to anybody's problems,I eventually learnt to say no and now I use my caring nature towards myself and the genuine ones! I looked at myself and realised the cause of my people pleasing/fixing everyone lay in a dysfunctional childhood where I had to take care of everyone.Your story is too familiar and takes a heavy toll on the capable ones.....

Aw cancelling a holiday is utter pants isn’t it. Such a depressing day and time of year.

Op could you try to get at least some me time a few times a week. For me a massage works wonders. A coffee and cake with a book? Spoil yourself regularly. Doesn’t need to cost much.

And let your dh sulk ain’t hurt him xxx

I so know this one but you either stop and put up with what others will do for you and if you are the most capable that will probably not please you. Believe me I know so now I've made a bit of a compromise. I still do the big things but I delegate smaller stuff to my partner like choosing and booking weekends away etc and I have been pleasantly surprised. He hates paperwork etc and I can't say I love it but I'm better at it.

Yes, I can Dragon, we are the only GP’s for our family (4 GC, 2 each From Son and Daughter). As I was very ill last year, everything we did as a couple for them, still needed doing and Hubby managed to do it all by him self, whilst at the same time, caring for me, doing all the housework and cooking and taking me for appointments, surgery, treatments. I am now regaining my energy, very slowly, but we are back to doing everything, cant say no as Daughter on her own with 7 year old Twins and can only work if we help with school runs and all the other things that crop up. I would love to run away and hide sometimes, but that would mean abandoning them and leaving them without any help!, yes they would have to manage, but after my illness I just think well, its family that means the most, so we just get on with it, but it would be nice to get a bit of respite from it all. Btw, it turns out hubby is a better cook and cleaner than I ever was! Hope all is going well for you x

This was me - I did everything; I was always the one that others came to, but were never there for me. Then I became ill with CFS/ME - and they still weren't there! I think it's really important to look underneath your caring behaviour; when did it start? why did you think it was your responsibility to look after everyone-else? what did you fear would happen if you said No? etc. We develop these patterns for a reason. I would suggest going on a really good Assertiveness course (this is NOT aggression, as many people seem to think - it's about learning to look after your own needs). Then, start practising, one person at a time. It will take time. One thing that a counsellor said to me, which I wasn't happy about at the time but came to realise she was right. "We teach people how to treat us. How have you done that in the past?" Tough question but a very valuable one.

Its not surprising that you are feeling that way if you should have been having a break dragonfly.
I would have felt the same, especially if its a holiday all paid for.

I have done everything, including 4 succesful recent Benefits Appeals and Tribunals for family members. Both my grown up children have complex physical health needs and I have been seriously disabled for many years. I have now just reached the point where they ( and outsiders much fitter than me) just expect me to sort things and don't even try to find their own answers. From tomorrow onwards to avoid unpleasantness I will be declining a lot of their sillier and more self indulgent requests on tbe grounds that I have to attend frequent physiotherapy. It is true , but it also sound better than I have just bloody had enough! Wish me luck as I do to all of you. X

You have my sympathies Dragonfly because you could have been describing me. Since we have returned from our visit to England at the end of November I have hardly been able to walk and it's looking more serious than we had thought. My dear husband had had to step up as far as cooking and jobs in the house are concerned and he is coping. OK we tend to have ready prepared food or a fry up but he is doing it. Now he is learning how to use the multibanco (hole in the wall) and how to pay the bills. Despite his lack of Portuguese he is coping and I am letting him. Your DH may huff and puff at first but he will cope with doing some things for himself. I share your disappointment about Madeira because we had planned to go there this month too . For me it's not helped by seeing posts on FB from a friend who is there at the moment.

And of course that saying.... ‘if you want to get something done ask a busy woman’.

Dragonfly So sorry you cannot get o Madeira today. do hope you will be able to get a holiday soon.

dragonfly46 - try it sometime, and I guarantee you'll hate it! That's the thing about being one of life's organisers - at least you know everything is going to be alright!

You're s saint, Dragonfly46, but I bet all the others have been happy enough to take you for granted. Brace yourself for opposition if you make your feelings known - but stand your ground......(try listening to Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers singing "Won't Back Down")

We all need to be kinder to ourselves and learn just to say no more often ?