Short lived relationships & resulting babies

I may be wrong here,so apologise in advance if so. I thought that the father of the baby had to be present at the registration of its birth to be recognised as the birth father and have more rights to being involved in its life, and sometimes be allowed shared custody. Some of the mother's don't always want their baby"s father included on its birth certificate and some father's are not given the opportunity to be so. It just seems nowadays with all forms of contraception so easily available that some people still don't seem bothered if they get pregnant.

gilld69, you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink. My husband adopted my son as his father didn't want to know and it was my son's choice to be adopted. The sad thing was, when I met my ex, he'd had the same fatherless existence as me and I thought we were on the same page as far as parenting was concerned. Obviously not! However, I did keep up a relationship with his mother and family so we weren't completely in the dark about things. The difference with the situation was that we had children by design having been in a relationship, not with a very short relationship like the post is about.

I tend to agree with PECS.
Personally, I believe a child should have a mother and father. Sadly, there are sometimes exceptions!

“Reams of social science and medical research convincingly show that children who are raised by their married, biological parents enjoy better physical, cognitive and emotional outcomes, on average, than children raised in other circumstances. "

Couples need to establish a good relationship and get to know each other well before even considering jumping into bed after a first date!
Sex is good and healthy but relationships should be built on love and not merely the physical side.

Good post ican

my daughters paternal family cut ties with her aged 2 when her dad got a new girlfriend and she didnt want them to see her she even put 27 p in a birthday card as a pee take i always left the dòor open to them and the so called father until i met my husband who adopted her, social services contacted bio dad to ask for permission and he said yes and make sure she never contacts my family so not just women who prevent it

Grandma2213 It is not possible for women to put the (possible) father's name on the birth certificate unless: the father is present at registration; the father provides written agreement to being named; there is a court order naming him : www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth. So it's pretty unlikely any 'named' fathers have been written in by the mother just for possible later financial gain.

Anyone watch the series GPs behind closed doors. In a recent episode there were a couple of young girls in for some ailment. The GPs asked if they had boyfriends, both responded with a yes. Asking about contraception both declared they didn't bother. In this day and age, when there has never been so much information, education on the subject I could not believe their responses. Condoms are advised nowadays mainly to help prevent sexual disease and contraception to a very small degree. To me both parties have a responsibility, if no contraception on both parties part, then there should be no sex. Only if both act responsibly then both should have same rights and obligations as one another. May seem like the perfect world but people have to accept their responsibilities or suffer the consequences. Fed up with the "oh I didn't know, couldn't help it" attitudes.

There is evidence to show that early intervention with women who have been in care or have had bad parental relationships can turn around the next generation of ill-adjusted parents. I take the view that if we do this with fathers, maybe we would have the next generation of responsible fathers.
It is no secret that I firmly believe that a child should have an involved father wherever possible as long as it isn't going to impact adversely on a child. I think the state should be far more involved when the baby is being incubated so that mothers and fathers are aware of their responsibilities although, of course, in a perfect world they'd be aware before the baby was conceived.
I think it is quite natural for a woman to believe she is the most important person in her child's life because she has that relationship even before it is born. However, as a child who didn't know her father or any of her relations until she was 47, I can tell you that there are so many occasions when you need to know about your paternal side, not least medical history, security screening, etc. It can be crucial with some medical conditions to know your family history. Bowel cancer on both sides of the family or on Dad's side through the generations equals regular screening.
This is, of course, without even taking the emotional side into account. Abandonment often leaves you without good self esteem. If you are more like your father than your mother then you are like a square peg in a round hole.
There are just so many reasons why a child should have both parents wherever possible.

DotMH1901 I think for every man like your ex SIL there is a woman who decides she can do it all on her own and chucks the father out. She is then able to stop or allow contact usually as she chooses. It's the concept that personal happiness matters more than anything else.

*Iam64

I agree that fathers should pay *regardless of whether or not they want to be part of their child's life. When typing, I simply didn't separate the two acts, of paying and the relationship.

I think in todays society, where there is so much pressure to conform (seeing it at the moment with my great niece who currently feels she should have a tattoo and/ or a belly piercing to fit in with her "friends") and some boys put pressure on the girls to have sex (usually unprotected) either because they will split up with them and go elsewhere or the idea that the girl should have sex because she thinks all of her friends are doing it - even if they may not be ! In that situation, if the girl falls pregnant, the boy either doesn't want to know or he calls her a slapper for sleeping with him in the first place!
Then you get the situation with multiple fathers that the girl believes that if she has a baby, the man will stay with her - even though he has other children with other girls.
All in all, there is a great lack of respect, either for anyone else or most of all for themselves. The best form of contraception, imo is NO !

janeainsworth - I think you have hit the nail on the head - my ex son in law decided he would walk away from my daughter and three kiddies after eleven years of marriage because 'he needed to find what he wanted'. He claimed there wasn't anyone else involved but the GC came home three weeks later after spending the weekend with him full of news of how they were getting a new 'Mummy'. He has gone on to have two more children with this partner but has come out of work so he doesn't pay a penny to my daughter for his first three children and owes her nearly £3000 in missed payments already. He was perfectly happy to father my daughter's children but doesn't seem to think he should be putting them first, it is all about him and his happiness - he even told my GC that they should be happy for him as he was happier now.

In the 'celebrity' world, babies after short relationships are quite commonplace eg Katie Price aka Jordan. It's unusual to see the downsides of this mentioned. It's almost impossible for a man to insist on access to a child born in these circumstances, so it's wise for men to be absolutely sure about contraception in short-term relationships.

"if the father is known and want's to be part of the child's life, that he should not only pay towards the child's upbringing but should be supported to have a meaningful relationship with him or her"

It shouldn't matter whether the biological father wants to be a part of the child's life, he should financially and practically support the child. Men are part of the act that produces a child, there are condoms to use, they can also be taught to "say no" . It's a two way thing.

We have a problem in this country with too much substance abuse and a lack of relationship/sexual education which should start at home and then be continued in school on the basis that not all parents are able/want to provide the right kind of education and support for their children.

Children usually do best if they have two parents. It doesn't matter whether their parents live together. The key thing is parental responsibility, which includes ensuring both parents play a part in bringing the child up.

*that

I strongly feel that, if the father is known and wants to be part of the child's life, that he should not only pay towards the child's upbringing but should be supported to have a meaningful relationship with him or her.
This should be easier for older males to bring about but young men, who feel out of their depth with the legalities, might need more guidance.

annsixty
Sex education is failing girls ?

Are you suggesting that females in 2019 have no idea of the mechanics of sex or the possible results even when condoms are used?
Women (and men) are drinking more than ever before, especially at weekends when they socialise until the early hours.
Many females start their drinking at home whilst getting ready for a night out with mates. It continues in bars then clubs until they spill out onto the pavements in a state of disarray, often unable to stand unaided or make sensible decisions.
Personal responsibility comes to mind.
Sex with someone you've just met or anyone with whom you don't have a long term relationship is foolish and shows that you don't have much regard for yourself.
Casual sex, IMO, is demeaning and the cost to the country of supporting many single mothers (with housing and benefits) who often aren't 100% sure who fathered their child, is spiralling.
It sometimes doesn't even stop at having one child.
To be clear to those readers who look to pick holes, I am not writing about women who are bereaved, divorced, those who were in LTRs or left due to abuse.

I think on the whole society still has lower expectations of fathers than mothers. This leads to SOME fathers doing the bare minimum out of laziness and others not properly ‘stepping up’ because they believe it’s not their role, or don’t understand how important they are. It also means that some young women do not appreciate the importance of a father in a child’s life, and try to prevent him having a relationship with the child.

PECS I'm with you on the need for our society to 'do something' about encouraging both parents to understand their children need them. Ideally, parents who like each other and want the same things but in the absence of that, parents who love their children and make a commitment to being the best parents they can be.

The UK does seem to have more fractured families than other European countries. We also have higher levels of drug/alcohol abuse. I don't want to go off on one - but, it's a societal thing. Ginn Lane isn't only happening in Hogarths Britain, it's alive and well in a town near you right now.

I have no doubt the the world has 1000s of fabulous people lovingly raised by only one parent. However if both parents can successfully be involved in bringing up children that should be encouraged & supported..in whichever arrangement works!

Re unplanned pregnancies, both my parents and my in laws had an unplanned 4th baby.

Trying to promote the idea that children might be better off being bought up by a man and a woman together seems to be unacceptable now. There were always shot gun weddings when I was growing up, at least three close friends, I know two stayed together. Another two raised their children on their own, nothings new except maybe that all the couples involved grew up together and knew one another for years at church or school.

Try Mumsnet and learn about the apparent acceptability of one night stands. Seems to be all the rage. Hence the unwanted pregnancies. Not my bag I must say.

PECS I'm in complete agreement that there should be a supposition of co-parenting, when the parents don't live together. I know a couple (mum is in her late 30's so not a teenager) who have never lived together, but are very successfully bringing up their child as joint parents. The dad is completely hands-on and they have a very happy, secure child. I know of two dads who had to pay thousands of pounds in legal fees to get the same result after many years of heartache - the bias towards the mother, legally and in society, is still very much in evidence.
This issue of unplanned babies and the prevalence of unwed mothers is nothing new. Anyone who does genealogy as a hobby can testify to the number of 'shotgun weddings', as they were called in days gone by. Also the number of grandchildren being raised by grandparents.

When my children were little I once chatted with friends about how many of our children had been planned, surprisingly many of us had at least one who wasn't . Maybe we weren't typical but I suspect that it wasn't discussed that much then.
I wouldn't want any girl to have to be in a relationship where she wasn't happy, but nor do I like the idea that she is able to cut a man out of a child's life simply because she can, and it is easier for her.