Advice needed re Daughter's 40th Birthday

As you describe it NJ, cash, or anything that can be turned into cash is out of the question, I think, in those circumstances flowers would be the best solution.

Despite those saying flowers they sent have arrived damaged, I order flowers from Waitrose five or six time a year and have been doing so for about a decade and every order I have made has arrived looking beautiful.

If you can afford it, make it one of their big extravagant scented bouquets, many of their bouquets come in different sizes. It will be a big dramatic gesture, will take her by surprise and might make her realise just how much you care.

I understand from your posts that your daughter and partner are abusing drugs and alcohol. When people are doing that, they become someone else, unreliable, volatile and unpleasant. It is the substances talking, not themselves. All you can do, is keep in contact; the occasional text message or similar. Blame the substances not your daughter for any unkind responses. Hopefully some day this relationship will break up, ones based on substance abuse are notoriously fragile and you may get your daughter back, but in the meanwhile, all you can do, is just keep some contact, however tenuous, with your child. for you as well.

I also like the idea of a photo album with pics of her through the years.
Dil did that for our DS on his big birthday. She came to us to ask for the photos to copy. It was lovely.
I hope you come up with a good solution.

I agree with those who say it would be no kindness to fund their habits, and most things can be sold easily for ready cash, so yes, flowers look like a good idea. Some online florists are better than others (I've used this one with no complaints - www.appleyardflowers.com/ ), but a reputable local (to her) shop might be your best bet, so that you can be sure she gets what you pay for.

Can't you find something that you know she will like? Not too expensive, but a necklace or bracelet, a book if she is a reader, something for her hobby?

I would send something a little more personal than flowers, in your place, as I gather you would love to get back to something remotely like your old relationship with your daughter.

You could send her a voucher for a meal out - check out local chain restaurants - say Prezzo or similar! Can't go far wrong or misunderstand that. Well I would hope anyway.

What about a really nice perfume, it would last longer than the flowers and hopefully would remind her of you, every time she used it.

Do you have lots of photographs of her? My friend got a wee album of photos on a big birthday, and loved it.

Might not be appropriate in this case, but I got an album of photoshopped pictures of me, where I appeared as one of the Spice Girls, the Queen, a nun, Hyacinth Bucket, the Virgin Mary, Mary Berry, Eliza Dolittle, Kelly Holmes, and others.

If you want to improve the relationship then you should of course buy a gift. If she's broke but you don't feel money is appropriate then a voucher for a favourite shop plus maybe a nice bouquet of flowers as a little luxury item. You can only try...

I think how to mark a child's 40th birthday is important to the relationship though apricity.
A child's 40th birthday seems such a milestone somehow, at least that how it feels to me.
It strikes me that poor jude is damned if she does and damned if she doesn't - if she gives money (which is what we did when DS reached 40) she knows what will happen to it, if she gives a present like flowers, it might be seen by her D as not enough and other things might be seen as inappropriate.
It sounds to me as though while Jude's D is with her present partner, nothing much is going to change. I'm sorry if that sounds defeatist, but sometimes things just have to be accepted.
Jude I would mark the occasion with a letter alonside whatever gift is chosen, making clear how much D means to you and saying that your door and heart will always be open. That would (hopefully) mean more to her than any gift.
After all it's the thought that counts.

Surely what sort of gift you may or may not give your daughter for her 40th is the least of your worries? Maybe sorting out your relationship is more important than what sort of gift to give her.

Could you go and see a show together, a trip to the theatre usually goes down well?

Could you give her a call and ask her if she'd like to spend a day with you and you could maybe buy her the train ticket and take her for a meal?

I don’t think a girlie outing is a good idea at all. It sounds as though it could be very stressful trying to walk on all those eggshells and around any potentially sore points. I sympathise about not being able able to give cash or cash equivalent and of course gold jewellery is easily sold, even when engraved, and converted into cash so that doesn’t seem an option at all. I’m always delighted with artfully crafted flowers and at the moment I can’t think of anything better. I’ve had some truly superb flowers by post.

I do think it’s important for you to mark the milestone birthday in some way but do it in a low key way and try not to have any expectations about thanks or making friends again. I’m so sorry that you’re having to cope both with estrangement and the substance abuse issue. I know only too well how heartbreaking both can be.

JackyB there is nothing I would like better than sharing a girly type activity with my daughter, something that we often did in the past, but sadly it seems that she's not allowed out of his sight, or at least that's the impression we get. He seems to have alienated her from virtually all of her family and friends. Makes me SO sad, when I think that for her 30th we paid for, and organised a huge party for her which she absolutely loved.

Looks like it's got to be something engraved, so that she can't sell it, or risk half dead or damaged flowers.

Thanks for your thoughts and support, and if anyone else would like to contribute, please feel free, as I still have 10 days to sort something.

Jalima1108 - You may not have 'seen' me, but I'm always here hovering in the background.

I was thinking of that.
A silver necklace, engraved for her.

How about a gold or silver necklace with her initial on?
I had two bouquets of flowers delivered to me this last year,
Expensive roses and carnations, and they both arrived flattened and best their best, a waste of money!

If she is very short of money maybe a voucher for eg Next would be a good idea and a small box of chocs or bunch of flowers. Don't worry about your feelings. Hopefully things will gradually improve

No cash, nothing she can readily convert to cash (gift vouchers etc)

From what you say, she and the partner have a problem with substance abuse. It's no kindness to fund someone's habit, albeit unintentionally.

Flowers are a good choice.

It sounds as though the rift is still reparable.

The spa idea sounds good - could you work it so that you went together, (despite living so far apart - maybe somewhere in between) and have some quality time together.

If a girls' day out with pampering is too much in her view, given her financial situation, then maybe just lunch out and a shopping spree together. You can buy her something she really likes/wants and you get to talk to each other. Walking around town should be good for conversations - people often say that they find they can talk better if they are both facing the same way and not looking at each other.

Sorry I hadn't realised money was out. It sounds as though you've bailed her out too much in the past.
Maybe a personalised something?
I had something engraved as a gift.
You'll know what she likes.
My family all like vouchers to spend in their favourite shop.

who says I spend every day of my life on here - I haven't 'seen' you for ages NudeJude!

I think a lovely bouquet of flowers, perhaps in a vase or the jug that sodapop suggested, would be a good idea. She'll know you haven't forgotten her and it won't be money or something she may not like.

What you don't want is, for you to buy a gift and, her to sell it. I hope that's not doing her an injustice. Flowers would also be my suggestion, next do some lovely ones online and might be more appropriate for someone her age

How about a £50 note ? It'll be more appreciated than anything else.

Flowers are always lovely. If she is very hard up why not give her some vouchers for a clothing shop you know she likes. She can choose a treat or choose necessities. She is your daughter after all and if you keep the door open she may come back to you either emotionally or, given her partner’s issues, in person. Good luck.

I think flowers are a good idea, I found some on the Waitrose site ( others available) in a lovely Emma Bridgewater jug, my daughter loved them.