Are young mothers really better off than in the past ?

TellNo1Ok - we had no physical help with 5 children, and, to be honest, wouldn't have wanted it from parents as they had very different ideas regarding babies and childrearing. BUT we were most definitely a team, my husband and I, and in that I was very very lucky.

Unless you're the virgin Mary or a widow(er) there is no such
thing as a single parent. I know that this usually means
that the parents are not together and one or the other has
the main responsibility of caring for the children but
nevertheless the child does have two parents and both of
them should be there to give love and support in whatever
way they can.

I had twins in 1960 and was in hospital with complications for 3weeks... husband working all hours he could to earn enough to support us... don’t know how I’d / we’d have survived if my mum hadn’t come round every morning for next 3 months to help and enable me to recover. Babies did not sleep a night through till 18 months ...
Not on maternity leave ... I’d had to resign at about 7 months pregnant but thrilled to get two lots of maternity pay as I’d had two babies
That paid for a pram ..
we struggled and mostly managed .. I got an evening job and eventually I returned to teaching as they started school..
it was not easy but young enough to survive... but I do think without a husband who turned out to be a “new man” .. ie totally helpful... and a mum who was able to help... saved us.
Don’t know how youngsters are able to manage without genuine physical support...

Experience of motherhood with new babies and young children is as varied now as it ever was I feel.

In my day, some mothers stayed at home, some didn’t, some wanted to work and couldn’t, some didn’t want to work but felt they had to as “benefits” were very low. Some had abusive husbands/partners and some had kind and caring ones. Some women had financial control of the family income and some had none at all.

What HAS changed is that now we can see much more clearly through social media, through TV and radio, the way that other people live. People themselves change less than we might think but the access to other people’s lives (for good or ill) is clearer - less opaque.

My daughter and daughter-in-law have similar household incomes and one stays at home and one works. The one that works says she “has to” but chooses to buy everything new. The one that stays at home with the children recycles children’s clothes, has second hand furniture and hardly ever takes the family out for meals. The other eats out at least weekly.
Both are good mothers. Both probably slightly resent the pleasures of the other if truth be told, but we all make choices and we should accept that things are always going to be a trade-off. Nothing is 100% perfect.
Nothing was 100% perfect in my day either...

I had my children in the 1980s, stayed in hospital for a few days after difficult births both times and then went to a nursing home for two weeks! All free ( to me) in my area. I was then a stay at home mum till my daughters were teenagers with complete access to a joint account. It would never have occurred to me that working was more important than bringing up and spending time with my own children. We just did without the things we couldn't afford like foreign holidays and two cars and bought a lot of second hand stuff and were no less happy because of it.

A lot of people now expect to have everything straightaway and some expect other people to go out to work and pay their taxes to pay for their lifestyles too. I really have never understood why there should be government funding for childcare or to cover anyone's costs when they choose to have children they can't afford to raise themselves especially in an over populated world. It makes no sense at all.

We had three boys in four years(1960's) and I was at home with them and very happy I was too. No money to spare, couldn't afford a car and new clothes were treats as Birthday or Christmas gifts, I would not change anything.

I feel that young mothers have been 'sold down the river'. They spend their time trying to be perfect at everything, holding down a job, putting tiny children into long hours of daycare, constantly feeling guilty and worrying about money, This is what appears to be called 'Having it all'. I don't think so.
What have we done to them?

Auntieflo thanks for the trip down memory lane.
The good old days right enough.
There were times when I felt desperately bored and lonely.
I fear DD is equally struggling.
Thankfully we have these online forums.
In those days there was only Marjorie Proops or Evelyn Home at the back of woman's own?

I think I was much luckier than my DiL is today. My DH didnt want our DS brought up by 'strangers' at a Nursery so I took time off to look after DS. Now my DiL would like nothing better than to stay at home looking after her DC herself but due to escalating prices of mortgage, utilities etc she has to work. I do not think young mums are better off having to work through need rather than wanting to. DS works hard & tries to help but life is not easy for them now!

I was very happy with my dh we have two lovely children.
When they were babies we struggled but there was always food on the table and the bills were paid. No credit cards only hp and we paid only for one item couldn’t get anything else till it was paid up.
We are now retired and our son died in 2007. I do wish that I could go back to the 70s just to have that time again. Our country is not the same, and will never be.

Hi
I didn’t have to go back to work as there was no Maternity leave then. I had 10 years out of work but we could manage on one good wage but no holidays and an old banger but we were never short of money. So this time around I am looking after my daughters children and another disabled daughter and we help with her daughter. That is solid from 7.00am on a Monday morning to Wednesday evening round the clock though my granddaughter sleeps in the same room as my disabled daughter who is still relatively mobile but she has MS and is often confined to bed. My husband has do do the more energetic tasks as Zi am disabled as well

I sound like a dinosaur now. Our first son was born in 1963, at home, with the midwife visiting. I was a stay at home mum, and never considered going back to work. We had moved miles away from my parents, to a house that we could afford. I remember sitting on the floor crying, with loneliness, before our son was born, and if my sister in law had not been nearby, I don't know how I would have managed.
We had no car, and the bus was hourly , so I walked miles with our big coach built pram.
Baby no 2 was born in 1966, again at home, but by then I had made a circle of friends, mostly through the Church.
There were no meetings in tea/coffee shops, but sometimes at home. Our neighbours were all older than us, but extremely good to me as a new mum.
We moved away in 1968, by which time we had aquired a car, but used mostly by DH for work. I thought we had come to the ends of the earth. New estate, roads not made up, so pushchair pushing was difficult. yes, I remember Pippa Dee parties and Tupperware etc, but there wasn't the social scene as nowadays.
Luckily all our new neighbours had young families, and so we made very good friends, and had the baby sitting groups, using tokens as payment.
Forward to 1975, another baby , born in hospital this time, as I was considered an older mother.
Also I had got involved with a group and we set up a nursery school, that is still going strong today. I joined NAWCH and later NWR.
Now we are grandparents to 7 and great-grandparents to 3.
I loved my young mum life, but wouldn't want to go back in time. But, looking back I can see how lucky I was to be able to have that time at home with all our children.
I see how my daughter worked and had her two in nursery from tiny babies. Both our daughter-in-laws, have been lucky enough to be stay at home mums, but their lives have been so different from mine. not necessarily better though.

My two were born 75 and 78 and I was a SAHM until the eldest went to Senior School. Dh has his own company and was away a couple of nights a week with business meetings so there was never any question of me working, not that I wanted to.
To be fair, I loved it, most of my friends were SAHM's so we were never bored and used to swop the kids around in the School holidays to give each other free time.
I would say that I definately had it better than most Mothers today, personally I would have hated to put them in nursery to go to work.

Paddyann I also loved the night feeds, it was as you posted just me and my baby.

PECS by the mid 70s things has improved. The UK introduced its first maternity leave legislation through the Employment Protection Act 1975.

I missed out as my children were born in 1971 &1972.

When I had my son in 1979, we got a week in hospital which looking back was great as no meals to cook, no housework DH earned very little as a civil servant and we struggled. He would never have thought of doing housework, cooking nor changing nappies. Money was tight but we were happy, my son thrived.
Sadly I had to get a job also as a civil servant when our son was 19 months old. DHs salary was tiny and he had built up a huge overdraft.
That first day at work, leaving my gorgeous DS with a childminder, I will never forget.
Working outside of the home I was permanently exhausted as even working full time, I did all the cleaning, washing, cooking, childcare.
DH was so bad with money, our then Bank Manager told us I should manage the household finances, and took away DH cheque book.
It wasn’t perfect but I don’t know what else I could do. The responsibility and tiredness weighed heavily on me.

How mothers do it today, I am amazed. But women have perhaps 50 or 47 years of working life in the West, bringing up young children will only take 10 - 15 years out of that.

When my DS was a teenager, I went p/t for a while, as he needed me at home when he finished school each day.

Girls go home after one or two days of giving birth

I left hospital 24 hours after a forceps delivery, but I needed to. I was fed up of hospitals by that point and wanted to take my baby home. You can't take babies off wards these days due to the ankle tags, so you're confined to the ward which is frustrating. Similarly, my mom was horrified to find that the nurses didn't take DD off the nursery at night to let me sleep, but I would have hated that. I wanted DD with me. I think it's good that hospitals now encourage a newborn remaining with the mother.

I think a lot of thing these days have improved in terms of work. My maternity leave (I have a 1 year old) allowed me to have a whole year off and flexible working has made it easier for me to remain working.

I have found opinions very divided on whether me returning to work was a good thing. I think it's given me my sanity back and DD is thriving at nursery. My mom, nan and MIL were all SAHMs and weren't impressed that I was returning to work but they've had to admit that it's worked well for us (and I don't rely on any of them for childcare or pickpicks, so there's been no burden to them).

I think, like most places on the internet, posts on mumsnet show two extremes. People either go there to boast about how perfect their lives are and how they have it all or they are there because they're struggling and looking for help and support. The middle ground (which is the probably the vast majority) don't need to post. I also think social media has made it easier to see these issues now.

On the note of single mothers though, there probably would have been a lot more single mothers in previous generations but even in the 60s and 70s there were a lot of forced adoptions.

There are far more single parents now, mostly mums. though a few men too. I find it extraordinary because I was the child of a single parent but it was not her choice. She was widowed.
It seems people are not encouraged to work at a marriage or a relationship and young girls imagine that bringing up children on their own will be easy.
It must be our fault for not teaching them better!
Saying that, our own brood are all in couples and share the responsibilities and the work on the whole.
I was in hospital for 8 days with baby #1. My DiL was home the same day. That would be OK had she had help at home but she was up and making cups of tea for her visitors!

I didn't know anyone who was a stay at home mum,apart from my own mother.Even the women in our street of her age all worked .I had my daughter on a Thursday in 1978 ,we were in hospital for a week because she had jaundice and I was back at my desk with her in her pram by my side on the Friday .Thats self employment for you.
I dont regret a thing about bringing her up in the business,she's the most sociable person you could meet and always was.I still did all the housework/cooking etc as my OH worked ridiculous hours to build up the business.We were 20 and 21 when we started it and 23 and 24 when our daughter was born.I nnever remember feeling tired,I loved the night feeds when it seemed like it was just her and me in the world.
I used to listen to my daughters friends mooan about night feeds and their babies wearing them out and wondered if they realised how precious that time is .

I think there are things that are better now and other things worse now. What surprises me on reading Mumsnet is how many young mums are with partners who do not do any childcare/housework and are even abusive. Most of us were brought up by parents who frowned on divorce and it was a really big step for us. Nowadays being divorced has no stigma so it does surprise me that women stay with these men.

I think every generation in its turn has similar thoughts. I was a young mum of 5 in the 70s/80s and as others have described life was more simple for young parents then. My mother who used to cone to stay regularly would often say “you’ve so much more that I ever had (ie fridge/freezer/washing machine) but I wouldn’t want your life. Now as as I observe my daughters who have more disposable income/foreign holidays than I ever had but they’re coping with huge work pressures, teens with social media etc I find myself thinking the very same thing!

Surely Daddima one of the things equality should bring is equal parenting and mothers should be prepared to share child care with fathers? As for professional care I remember years ago the first essay I wrote when training as a teacher discussed if nursery or home was the best place for a young child to learn. I think there is a great deal to be said for every child having good nursery education.

I do think that today's mothers are under far more pressure to conform. They seem to think that they have to keep their children entertained at all times, whereas we were happier to see them playing on their own.
I can't comment on what a single parent gets in benefits today, but back in 1977 when my youngest was 2 , I received the grand total of an extra pound a week family allowance and that was that.
I was lucky that I had my mother and my spinster aunt close by which enabled me to go back to work full time.

I’m with lemongrove and the others. We were a small group of mothers in a wee village, and none of us worked. The husbands used the ( only) car, and a night out would be a Pippa Dee ( remember her?) party or similar. No foreign holidays or meals out, and certainly no new decor or furniture every so often. Of course this wasn’t without problems, but nowadays I think working can prove to be expensive and stressful, what with childcare, travel, clothes, maybe takeaway meals, and even the office collections for every occasion!
I know it’s not fashionable to say this nowadays, but I really believe the role of the mother has been devalued, with the many learning opportunities afforded to children whose mum is at home being overlooked in favour of professional childcare.

There was no maternity leave when I had my first child and I had to take holiday for maternity appointments. In that way things are better now. I worked in the private sector so no such think as maternity pay. I had no choice but to leave my job as there was no one to look after my child and my job would not have been held open for me. Maybe these changes are a mixed blessing. We didn't 'have it all' and mothers don't today.