De-cluttering

Just close the door and don't go in there. The time to take action is when he overspills into the rest of the house.

We are BOTH hoarders. I use the mezzanine attic for my "craft stash" and paperwork. DH has been allocated the spare bedroom for his ecological experiments etc. I have purchased innumerable storage units and bookcases for effective storage for each of us. His tends to be full of electrical flexes; mine with paperwork of various kinds, regularly sorted and put back. The floor of the attic has various boxes and baskets of wool, fabric, half finished projects etc etc. We moved to Devon for 3 years and filled a skip on departure but, looking around now we're home again, I'm guessing we could fill at least 3 skips now. We discuss death cleaning and have a plan for the New Year (if we remember...)We will have one particular day a week, EVERY week, when we choose a room together and remove some items we no longer use/want AND dispose of them. BTW, we have a vast number of books between us but I was alarmed to overhear a conversation recently in our local library. Apparently they cannot take any more donations of books as no-one wants them and they cannot pass on any to charity shops either for the same reasons........ Disposing of stuff in general is fraught with ethical challenges as well. When our parents died there was very little in either home to dispose of which made arrangements very straightforward for us. We MUST focus on doing the same for our own children. Wish us luck and determination, please.....

My mother was a hoarder - clothes, handbags, purses plus any kitchen stuff, sewing and knitting patterns etc. - but my sisters and I didn't know the reason until she died. My father then explained that my mother was the 'result' of my grandmother being made pregnant when she was a parlour maid (aged 17) by the son of the owner of the house where she worked. My mother spent the first 7 years of her life in an orphanage so the items she held on to where a comfort to her because as a child she didn't have her own things. When looked at from that perspective it is quite understandable.

Our house isn't at serious clutter levels but it does need some clearing out of junk. On my next round of decluttering, I'm going to follow an idea a friend came up.

She takes a photo of items that have sentimental value to her but that she doesn't actually need and then ditches the item itself. It means she has the memory of it but not the physical presence.

I'm going to start with a big collection we have of guide books to places of interest we've visited over the years. I'll take a photo of the front covers and then the actual books can be put out for recycling. I never look at the books anyway, they're just gathering dust in the attic!

Who cleans the room? As in the case of a teenager, I think you are fully justified in saying that the room has to be tidied up and the floor vacuumed and washed at regular intervals.

In your place I would offer to help tidy up and do the cleaning, so that I know the place is clean.

The inaccessible wardrobe makes me fear that there are clothes in there being feasted on by moth larvae.

The other aspect is depending on what he keeps in his rooms is whether the contents are a fire hazard? I would put my foot down about stacks of old newspapers and other flammable things.

Thanks for this post as my DH is a hoarder but by the sound of it he’s still a novice. I came to the conclusion many years ago that the ‘stuff’ gives him some sort of comfort. I do sneak things out when I can but to be honest, there is so much it is barely noticeable. Newspapers going back 40+ years are my personal bugbear!

Madmeg I sympathise too as it would drive me however it is his personal space I dont think you have much hope of changing him sorry.

this is a tricky one.yes hoarding is a mental illness. i should know my d is a hoarder. over the past few months she has been ordered by ss to declutter it by christmas .ok i can see some improvement has been made .but not enough.what frightens me that if there was a fire the whole home would burn very quickly.with clothes/magazines/toys piled high.....you could say to yours oh that its a fire risk and health and safety. or wait till one day that he's out and tidy it up, dont throw anything out ..as that will upset him. give him some boxes to "store" items in......mark each box with the items inside. like video tapes.get it tidy........at least its all in one room...my d is all over the home...

My DH was the same, although his clutter was confined to the garage! The strange thing was although it looked a mess to me he knew exactly where everything was!

I find I am now suffering the same affliction as I am trying to de-clutter but have difficulty disposing of things, even those I haven't used for years, mostly because of sentimental value or because DH had bought it! If anyone finds a foolproof way of motivating me please let me know.

I think apart from possibly removing the odd dead plant, or a long-ignored jumper you will have to out up with it. Just close the doors, and enjoy the rest of your home, kept the way you prefer.

My elderly relatives have never been hoarders, but have thrown stuff away with such abandon that we had to check bins etc to make sure nothing valuable was discarded. We lost some irreplaceable photographs before we realised, which still saddens me now.

What an interesting post, Madmeg, as all of us men suffer from this condition - syndrome- perhaps, and it may seem a puzzle how you should deal with it. First let's think of some of the reasons. (1) One day soon I'll get around to using it. (2) Some day I'll get around to fixing it and then I'll use it. (3) It's too valuable to throw away (in my opinion) (4) It has sentimental value (5) It may come in useful some day. (5) I just like it.
There are many more reasons I'm sure but these are the main ones.
Your strategies must be flexible, sensible, hygienic, and cunning. First flexibility. You are never going to turn him into a minimalist - at least not until he's dead or comatose, in which event you will I'm sure say that you'd rather have him alive and messy than defunct and tidy. Make the resolution to change only the things which really need to be changed. Second, be sensible. The reason the best clothes are on the floor is because he wears them and secretly loves them. [Of course he should put them in the laundry]. Take him out and buy him some more nice clothes - which he must choose himself - and you will nudge out the old rags. Personally I have much-loved T shirts with paint and glue stains from my workshop, but I can see those staying with me for further use until herself forcefully encourages me to buy new ones.
Then hygiene. You as Directrice of Cleaning are entitled to have a healthy home and if you truly believe it's necessary, go in one day when he's out and clean it all up, vacuum the floor, dust, rinse off the artificial flowers, even tidy the cupboards but - and this is very, very important - however tempted throw nothing away. In fact replace it all in exactly the same place otherwise he will be grumbling for ages "Since you messed up my room I haven't been able to find my [Allen keys, spare staples, number 8 screws, blotting paper, empty Jo Malone boxes etc]." Next, use cunning. "Janet's son really needs an exercise bike - if you could clean off the rust he would love it." "Can we lend the electronic keyboard to our grand-son and maybe you could give him a lesson or two?" "Could we find some tools so the grand-daughter can take the broken printer to pieces - that's a lot of fun and that way you could teach her how to dis-assemble something." But don't do all that at once. Get some good storage boxes and put all the video tapes in neatly, labels up, so he can find them. Do you have a friend who really needs one of the coffee tables? (persuade a friend to take it, and ask him to take it round to her. Don't just confiscate it yourself) Papers to be sorted, but none thrown away. Magazines to be neatly arranged in piles. I do allow you to put the half-dead plants deep within the compost heap if you can replace them with identical but healthy plants in the same pots on the same day.
Accept that a man needs a space and clutter, but if you approach this in a clever and systematic way you can nudge him painlessly towards your idea of sanity.

Hello Madmeg,
I do sympathise, but there is very little you can do without causing a major upset. All I can suggest is to be a tiny bit sneaky and when your husband is out, remove one item, even just one video tape. Never move anything on top of a pile, dig deep and take something you know he never uses.
Put it in the boot of the car and take to the skip.
Say nothing! Just do it every now and again and you will feel a sense of victory. As long as your husband’s mess is confined to his quarters, don’t fret about it.

It will take you years to get your OH to declutter. And then oonly if you work very carefully. It may help you to do this free programme of decluttering lessons.
organizingmaven.com/

The main research in Hoarding is done by the Boston School of Social Work USA.
www.bu.edu/ssw/research/projects/hoarding/

They have published books which are available on amazon etc.

The main author is Gail Stektee the professor and this is a website that you may find interesting
downsizingthehome.wordpress.com/2015/02/20/dr-gail-steketee-shares-her-insights-into-hoarding/

Glad it’s not only me. Piles of stuff everywhere and he keeps promising to rationalise but it doesn’t seem to happen.

My OH is the total opposite and throws things away willy nilly!!! He threw out the (in perfect working order) toastie machine and a few weeks later fancied a cheese and onion toastie. Threw out our coffee pod machine even though there were several boxes of various pods in the cupboard, we now have a new one of those too

I thought my DH was the only one

I don't understand Tired Old Woman saying he sounds lovely, he sounds absolutely awful. He's clearly a nightmare to live with. I think he has mental health issues. I couldn't have a room like this in my house.

Oh, Madmeg - how I sympathise. I have 2 hoarder menfolk. DH gets 100% upset when I try to declutter the house - can't get near the wardrobe or half way across the bedroom and won't get rid of rubbish. I know how to declutter and love a clear house. 3 months ago I hired a skip, cleared my unwanted stuff and tried to help DS to do his room - stuff of his dad's and old papers/magazines some 7 years old. The skip hire people haven't collected yet, and we can't get any more in. I've said we're hiring it again at the end of January to finish the job. We're all book, DVD, CD and computer game addicts, which is a lot of the stuff, but I'm sure we could finish the job. I'd just chuck every single thing and start again from scratch. And (another thread refers!) kitchen gadgets.

My father is the same and we dread doing his flat when the inevitable happens
My DH is a lot older than me ( 63 he 78) he has his own bedroom too and is a terrible hoarder, I have to fight him for bedding to wash it
He is a clean man, but thinks he doesn't have to change his bedding for weeks as he says it doesn't smell lol
Good job he has me.

I sympathise and await some good advice. With my DH it's not quite so bad. In fact, I think he has actually started on his workshop where he had ancient tools inherited from his father, my father, and accumulated generally over the years. I have started to hold my breath, but hope too that he will then start on his study which is knee deep in books after 40 years of teaching French and Latin.

I fear that, like his father, he seems to refuse to accept that he is mortal, and couldn't possibly contemplate a "Swedish death clean"

One solution may be to start a conversation (hypothetical) to the effect that in the foreseeable future you would like to move to sheltered accommodation or somewhere smaller and easier to manage. Just plant the seed of an idea.....

My OH is a railway enthusiast! For those other GNetters who are suffering from the same situation, you have my heartfelt sympathy. What a load of old rubbish - but then beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, n'est pas?

I have no advice I’m afraid but your post made me smile as it reminded me of my lovely Dad who had similar tendencies. He lived alone for the last few years of his life and his flat was a nightmare. His biggest bedroom was full to the brim with ‘useful’ stuff. You couldn’t get to the kitchen cabinets because there were so many things piled in front of them. When he died we had to clear the flat and on his table we found 7 tablecloths, one on top of the other! And when I got into the cupboard I found some baking powder with a use by date of 1972-he moved into the flat in 1993!

It could be worse. At least he hasn't got a trampoline and an assortment of footballs lying around.

There is a lot of this " behaviour " now and I don't know whether it stems from the war with the waste not want not or if it's a way of hanging on to old memories but in many cases it tends to get out of hand and can be hazardous.

If your H doesn't see it as a problem then it's time to suggest a bit of a tidy up in parts if only to keep a safe exit/entrance to begin with.

It has to be approached carefully every step of the way. I do sympathise with you and those who find it difficult to part with anything.

I remember when nursing a very elderly lady in hospital who wouldn't let go of some old newspapers she had. When she finally faded away, those old newspapers contained a lot of paper money inside the bundle and fortunately there was a solicitors name amongst papers which had been found. Her house contained a wall of newspapers, bless her and more money in empty food cans. So very very sad.

His space sounds like mine . I can't see anything wrong with it !
But if it's really bad maybe you could sneak away something every month so he wouldn't really notice eg a dead plant , although he might find it in the bin and say that there's a bit of life there and it'll be fine and bring it back in ! The printer , of course might be fixable , best to hang on to it . The clothes hanging on the wardrobe are his favourites - why put them away , there's no space for them anyway etc etc .
I understand him , just wait until he says I must get this place sorted then quickly step in whilst the iron is hot !
He sounds lovely !