Argy Bargy madness, come right in! ??

Oh dear.

Thor has told his pals that there is some rubber doll masked action in the Argy cellar tonight. He peeped in and saw Doodle donning her suit, wellies and mask. He wasn't blessed in the brain cell department, was he?

Unfortunately, I think the smell of the mess in the cellar, sprouts, ferret poo, spillage and goodness knows what else, is making Doodle moan, and you know the Argy men, they don't need any encouragement, desperate lot that they are!

I have locked the cellar door for her safety, and am craftily selling tickets at a tenner a time for our "Cellar Rubber Action Night". The poor deluded sex-starved fools are snapping them up!

Little do they know they get a pair of rubber overboots and a brush and an hour down there sweeping up. I doubt if poor and brave Doodle will be able to manage it all on her own.

We've made over £200 in the last half hour, so we can treat ourselves to something.

Ok I will do it. I have borrowed (well it was lying around by the drains and I didn’t think they’d miss it) a complete sanitation suit with helmet and mask and a power hose. Just shut me in the cellar for an hour and I will bravely and with huge self sacrifice go down, into the murky depths, and evacuate the output of marydoll’s over indulgence.

Please line up a few pints of poteen for me when I emerge from below as I think I may need it. It’s been nice knowing you all. If I don’t make it back .......think of me ??? and tell the punters of the brave soul who tried to make the world a better place ...well at least tried to make the cellar smell sweeter. I’m going in...farewell dear friends... ???‍????

Puleese have mercy on Marydoll. She is a good hearted soul. Wherever she goes, her good will and cheer know no bounds. That Santa took advantage of her. As did the others. No wonder she was so full of gas. You can buy something from the pharmacy to shift it. All most distressing. In fact, I call it - shocking!

Make me Lemon. It fits me better than it fits you.

Well, I am heartbroken to learn that Marydoll was not pregnant after all. I have spent every waking moment knitting bootees for the babies. I now have 400 pairs in various colours piled up high on my futon. I had also been down the social to see about adoption. Thought I'd take two home. I could have trained them to do the housework as they grew. I dressed in my best red leather dress and shiny thigh boots. They weren't very helpful as they hadn't heard about the woman about to pop out 14 in a grotty pub cellar surrounded by ferrets, a Viking and home made alcoholic brews. They were concerned when I mentioned the circumstances and said they'd send round not only a health and safety inspector but a social worker too. I shall inform lemon at the earliest opportunity.

I do hope we can clean up our act in time. The social worker will probably be aghast when she sees the motley crew regulars that frequent the Argy. I have asked Trev and Maureese to let Thor and as many people as possible know that they should tidy themselves up as well as the dive pub and cellar. I suppose we could all scarper and pretend the place was derelict and unused. It would save us one hell of a cleaning job. I told Maureese to go out and buy some Flash so I could give the bar a good wipe down and wash the floor.

Last I heard he was banged up at the local nick for opening his filthy Mac and exposing himself to the ladies waiting in the queue in the Poundshop.

Marydoll has no shame! After all the fuss she caused, she was in here earlier, in her tartan mini skirt, canoodling with
Trev.?

You have my sympathy Meno.....also my sequinned boob tube, so hand it back pronto.
I have a date later on with Thor ( if you talc him he can’t escape so easily I find.)
I am wondering about why we only have six ferrets, what happened to the rest of them? Were the poor little guys caught in the explosion?

Ooooh those boys are very slippery ?. Catch them if you can !!

So there I was quietly cleaning out the cellar when there was some sort of gas explosion, my ears are ringing and I can't hear a thing.

Phew!
We had to clear out of here for five days and wait for the air to clear.All clear now fellow Argies, so come in for a free pint of Black Goblin Socks with a pernod chaser.
Thor and Trev are behind the bar ( freshly oiled by Doodle) Big Jim is back on cellar duty, the Admiral is sprawled under a table, and the ferrets look very cute in their knitted Santa outfits asleep in front of the log fire.

I've brought a few air fresheners!
Trevor is refusing to go down the cellar until it's cleaned.
Where is Big Jim? We need him to get it sorted.
I need a drink!
I'll have a pint of Drambuie with a cherry on top, please Trev!
This place is a tip! ?

What did I tell you?!!
Let’s leave the cellar for a week or two before we go down there with a heavy duty air freshener.
Santa and Maureese have just crawled up the steps gasping for oxygen, somebody help them to the door.
On the upside, no babysitting rotas for us!
Marydoll hasn’t there been enough attention seeking around the place without you joining in?Give me back my cushions you floozy.

Wot no babies ? but we’ve got everything ready (well we did have until you erupted all over it marydoll). Just as well I suppose .

No way will I be going down to that cellar any time this year Marydoll. It was a certifiable health hazard long before you exploded down there. Why on earth did you gobble down so many of Big Jim's sprouts for heaven's sake?

As soop is such a good soul, I'm sure she'll clean it up for you cos I'm sure I won't. boak

No I've left it for you to do! ?

Eeeuurrgghhh! Too much detail there Marydoll!
I hope you've cleaned up. Oh yuk! not envy

Well I've something to tell you all.
That very large stomach of mine, was originally caused by
WIND?, the result of overindulging on haggis curry, on my date with THOR. ⚡
I loved all the attention I was getting.?, so I stuck a couple of cushions up my jumper.
I'm not usually an ATTENTION SEEKER.?, but I loved the fact that everyone was fussing over me.

That explosion you heard in the cellar, came from me.???. Sorry about the mess, it was the lethal cocktail of Brussel sprouts, cabbage and the curry, that did it.?
Maureeze and ?,( He came for the birth) are under the detritus somewhere.? So, I'm afraid that you ladies we will need to don your hazard suits and wear gas masks, to free them.?
I'm off to Soop's kitchen to seek assistance. Soop will be very disappointed, she was so looking forward to helping out.

How on earth am I going to tell the lovely Kitcheners, it was all a misunderstanding ? ?
PS, the Santa encounter in Edinburgh was indeed genuine!

It was an amazingly fast pregnancy wasn’t it, about three weeks?
More chance of it being wind IMHO

Shouts down into the cellar.....Marydoll ! How many have you popped out ? ??????

Doodle you have never sung in tune, as you well know ?
Soop has been in her kitchen giving the kitcheners a rousing rendition of ‘I belong to Glasgie’ dressed only in her scanty underwear ( it’s Damart though) so she won’t catch cold.Her mascara is running and her long hair wild.
Some just can’t hold their booze, tut tut.

chewy you know what happens in the Argy stays in tune Argy ? ( usually because we are all too drunk on poteen to remember anyway ?)

Oops! I didn't know that soop was in here I've just nipped into the kitchen and "casually mentioned" about her out of character exploits in here. I've also returned her "lost property"

soop really. What would the kitcheners say ?. You’ll be on the norty step for some time I think

Marydoll I'm lost for words. That so-called herbal tea put me in a tiz-woz. The taxi driver refused to take me back to the kitchen. He said I was a right disgrace liability. I gave Big Jim an I.O.U and he shoved/strapped me on the pillion rider's seat on his clapped out Lambretta. Oh, the embarrassment on approaching the kitchen. Will my lot ever recover from the shock.

Oh for goodness sake Big Jim get a move on. I just heard marydoll saying she’s going to have her babies in the cellar and we haven’t done any of the tidying lemon thinks we’re doing. I blame soop. She wore you out so much with the okey pokey (?) and the conga that you were useless for anything else.
Now get sweeping that corner over there and make up a nice bed. Next we need to organise some cribs. I recon we might need 30 by the time marydoll finally gets round to giving birth!