Argy Bargy madness, come right in! ??

Oh gransal - Little Paxo and I are so grateful for your kind comments. You know how sensitive these artistic type of ferrets are, one bad review and it can be career changing. I told him all great dancers have to suffer abuse and violence, even Nureyev once had a tomato thrown at him when he played the Wigan Odeon. Your words have cheered him up no end, and I’ll give him a little pot of cockles in vinegar as a treat. Not with a pin of course, in case he pokes his eye out and it affects his performance.
It’s been an exhausting day, not much on the culinary front as the Argy was strangely quiet today due to everyone hunting Jude Law, so I’ve had to survive on a stale Greggs pasty I found thrown in a waste paper bin, and drinking water from the hot tap.
It took a lot of effort pushing the mobility scooter the last half mile as the battery had gone flat, and I just had enough Jeyes left to set it on fire by the ruins of annsixty’s casino. Little Paxo is extraordinarily fond of me already, and took serious umbrage at annsixty imperiously ordering me to be gone. Hope with hindsight she feels remorse or those wealthy Chinese will never be spinning those wheels as long as Poundland keep selling those little packs of four cigarette lighters for a quid.
On a personal note I have heard nothing from my dear man Magoo. A neighbour told me my DH has moved in next door with the chap who does the taxidermy as 24 hours of loneliness was just too much for him.
I know well the pain of exile, having to hide out with only Little Paxo for company. I keep myself sane by asking myself the questions from old episodes of The Chase and then seeing if I can remember the answers. So far I’m on £28,000.
Well I can see through this filthy basement window that the flames are subsiding outside, I might have set the Argy’s bin on fire as well by mistake. I hope Lemon will forgive me.....

I cannot stand crowds who are not appreciative. I have seen Little Paxo in Riverdance and I was all come over at the skill and agility of the small one. As for annesixty I have always been suspect of her. True colours showing now.

Newsflash -Daring Escape in Oxford Street

Shoppers scattered in terror this afternoon as police chased a wanted suspect through streets crowded with summer visitors. The woman, identified by a store detective in Selfridges as Merseybelle2 had apparently been begging outside the flagship store with a dancing ferret called Little Paxo. The crowd had turned nasty as they didn't think its dancing was up to scratch despite Merseybelle2 assuring them it had been in Riverdance twice. This had led to a violent exchange of fruity nouns, adjectives and adverbs which as a family newspaper we are not able to print.
At this point a passing ex-prison officer recognised the elderly moth eaten old busker and raised the alarm. The woman then displayed a level of sprightliness that astonished the crowd as she grabbed the Crossrail safety hat she had been using as a collection tin, and the dancing ferret and vaulted over five Japanese tourists to make her escape. Six policemen who had been relaxing in a nearby cafe after a tough morning trying to crack the Sudoko in today's i ,immediately gave chase.

To the consternation of the police the suspect made her escape by hijacking a mobility scooter after callously dragging its owner off the seat, and hurtled off at 2mph. Police had to abandon the chase after a Health and Safety Assessment as the risk to the public was too great to use a Taser, and one of them was a vegan and worried about hitting Little Paxo.
It is believed the beggar was the same violent offender involved in an incident in Soho yesterday outside the Argy Bargy Club, a well known den of iniquity.
The public are urged not to approach this woman but to dial the Police Incident room on 666-666-666 . If desired callers can also make a donation to The Poor Limp Percy Dead Ferret Memorial Fund for Grieving Owners by using the same number and pressing Number 2.
Enquiries continue.

Other Local News - Police investigating the mysterious fire at the abandoned abattoir in Soho have received an anonymous letter concerning its cause. This historic building was being refurbished by a local businesswoman and entrepreneur. Recently planning position had been granted for change of use to a Casino. Today in the still smouldering wreckage a message spraypainted on a burnt binlid had appeared on site bearing the same message as a letter sent to the Fire Chief heading the investigation. Both bore the same words :

ANNSIXTY DID IT.

GG13 - Lucky you !!! Send me his coordinates and Magoo and I will hijack one of the Mersey Ferries

(Jude Law really is filming 20minutes away, my friends, Daughter and myself spent several lazy hours at the sailing club watching paparazzi boats trying to get a photo!! The GC were delighted to run wild and get muddy and smelly ??)

GG13 - could your missing celebrity be the source of that foul stench seeping through the Argy ? All that sweat running off his fine supple body just like you see in one of those fancy aftershave adverts. Don’t let Magoo find out or he’ll be battering the door down to get at him. My man has never forgotten Jude’s moving performance playing the robot in A.I. The memory has stayed with him for years.

I’ve been embroidering your new outfit but it’s hard getting the needle through the fur, and I don’t want Little Paxo to see it in case he/she/ it gets upset. Also I think one ferret pelt might not be enough considering the size of your bazookas. Maybe another gransnetter could give me some advice, as long as it’s not you Carillion01 as I had enough advice from you yesterday to last me a lifetime

maddyone and gransal kindly popped in to brief me on the polis search ( note my touch of the old country lingo there - fond memories of my days in Wigan) but they don’t seem any nearer to catching the shrieking hussy who pasted me yesterday with those stairlift ads. You remember, oh yes it’s our very own Marge Proops, the same one who posted her unwanted literary criticism yesterday. Not that we Magoos ever bear a grudge etc etc.

On a lighter note, I hear that lemon has put posters up all up and down Oxford street advertising the talent nite, and also a wanted poster for the baggage that attacked me. Lemon is a master of improvisation ( or so her male clients always say ) so not having a photograph of the offender she used an old photograph cut from the pages of Horse and Hound. It was of a robber’s dog, a breed well known on our Merseyside streets but unfortunately not yet recognised by the Kennel Club. Lemon said the likeness was so striking anyone would be able to recognise and apprehend the villainess instantly.
She fly posted outside Liberty and Harrods in the blazing hot morning sunshine dressed only in her string vest, hot pants and the sequinned Crocs she borrowed yesterday. Lemon hopes to get a lot of trade from it.
Try and hurry up with Jude as the ladies are forcing their way into my men’s lavvy hideout as they are so desperate, and I don’t want anyone grassing me up to the rozzers xx

Jude Law has gone missing from a small private Island about 20minutes from my house where he was filming a film for Sky/HBO!!!

If anyone hears “muffled moans and groans” and wonders why the ladies lavatory is out of order.........just wonder!!!!!

I may not be at rehearsals for Argy’s got talent, but no fear I am getting a lot of exercise!!!!!

Am still in the men's bog dear lemon, could you send someone down with a fried mars bar from the chippy and a pint of Stella ?
I'm disappointed about my fund not getting the donation but understand your reasoning. We Magoos are known for our stoicism, in fact a family rumour has it that it was a Magoo influenced Euripides and Plato. But that's another story....
I heard a tale from Big Jim about you and your waterproofs but it involved two men and a glass coffee table. I must have misunderstood.
I'm going out later for a breath of fresh air. I discovered a hole in the wall behind the end urinal i can escape through without being seen. I think it must have something to do with Crossrail as there's a row of safety helmets on the floor behind it.
There's a terrible smell in here, think it could be the fatberg going off. I'll nip home when i'm out and see if Magoo has another can of Jeyes in our back yard shed.
PS Thanks for the new ferret. It escaped yesterday right after the parade but i coaxed it back with your pork scratchings. I'm called it Jeremy after Paxo, my hero.

Update on Soho Incident - Local police are continuing their investigations into a violent cat fight that took place yesterday outside The Argy Bargy Club. Due to a misunderstanding the RSPCA were first on the scene but were stood down almost immediately.
The investigation today has been centred on Black's Camping Store after reports from concerned shoppers regarding an elderly (VERY ELDERLY) couple being discovered asleep in a four man tent on the third floor. The woman was described as having no teeth and the man, apparently an ex-seafarer, had half his tattered uniform missing. The pair made their escape however after the store detective was approached with an enquiry about a walking pole, and in the resulting melee the mystery pair vanished.
Amongst items recovered from the crime scene were a copy of the FT (stained with a six inch square piece removed) three tubes of Steradent (still security sealed and believed to have been stolen in an earlier raid on Boots) and a tattered copy of Vogue (latest Meghan Markle guest editor edition.) All these have been sent for forensic analysis. Customers who witnessed these events have been offered counselling by Blacks and a £30 discount on all used tents. Florence Pitt-The-Younger who was pushed to the floor when the pair made off recklessly careering through the waterproof pants section, said that she felt only pity for the offenders and held no grudge. She added that as a member of the Salvation Army she had been moved by the spectacle and saw it as a sad reflection of the lack of care for the elderly in society today. Other shoppers were not so kind, Senor Antonio Pinky-Smythe, on holiday from Skegness, said he thought the woman involved should be put down by lethal injection as she was a menace in modern society. He said he had been shocked by the savagery of her expression, and thought it the product of generations of in breeding. He is taking legal advice about a potential injury claim on the basis of trauma and future PTSD.
Police say they have been impressed by the public's willingness to help in this case but reiterate their warning not to approach this evil female psychopath but to call the incident room on 666-666-666.

In other news a mysterious fire began last night in a former abattoir in Soho. Flames were reported as reaching the height of ten inches at their highest. By the time Fire Services arrived on the scene, the blaze has been extinguished by a local man, Big Jim, who had urinated on it. This heroic action saved the historic building which is currently being refurbished as a Casino. The Mayor of London has been approached re giving this courageous public spirited old lush an award.

Thank you Mersey I do have a sweet singing voice it’s true, I put it down to endless creme de menthes with whisky chasers.?
Well, talent nite is shaping up nicely but we need more acts,
Come on Doodle and others, put your great brains in gear, what can you offer.
Well, I would ( in an ideal world) offer the cash to little Percy, but the harsh reality is that he doesn’t need it any more!
The Argy on the other hand, does need it, for repairs to the roof ( am fed up with wearing my mac in here every time it
rains) and we have creditors battering down the door, as you all well know ( I think the Inland Revenue chap is still locked in the cellar?it had slipped my mind, hope he is ok, that was six months ago!)

I’m so happy, the parade in little Percy’s honour did him proud, well apart from the two tarts ladies scrapping, well I’m closing my eyes to that, with Mersy incarcerated in the cellar, and the other one having escaped, though someone mentioned they’d seen her with Magee, or Thor, or was it the Captain, well a big guy, down the alley and he was giving her mouth to mouth. I hope her dentures didn’t fall out and choke him.
Anyway, I shall be taking part in the talent show this year, I shall be giving a full rendition of my pole dancing routine wearing silver nipple covers, and a diamanté fig leaf. And white stilettos. Looking forward to it.

I still can't find my leopard skin boots. I will be looking at everyones legs quite closely, especially George big jim's *thor and *trev's. BTW who is oiling *thor's chest these days. If there is a vacancy I will gladly do my bit. No charge. I like to do my bit for the community.

Ps
Hope I understood you correctly and you ARE donating the funds from Saturday night talent nite to Little Percy ?

I know the police are looking for me so I’ve been in the men’s lavatory with Big Jim all afternoon. He’s been massaging my hand where I burnt it after incinerating that old bag’s wig but don’t tell Magoo. My big handsome man is insanely jealous and would leap on Big Jim at the slightest opportunity. He’s always been a scrapper - I can’t count how many times I’ve found him down an alley tussling with some strapping young man ! He just can’t seem to get enough of it.
I think it goes back to his years as a steward with Cunard. Magoo like your own dear Captain has sailed the Six Seas many times and of course we are a family with service in our blood. It’s just one of those things in your DNA like chlamydia. Dear dear Magoo in those heady days of yore rode on the finest ships that ever sailed the ocean. I’m going to name drop here ( I know, I know, I’m usually so modest but the occasion demands it ) The Marie Celeste, The Lusitania, the QE 1. I can say with pride that my Magoo serviced Liberace across the Atlantic many times when the great fellow was a paying passenger. Yes many many times. MANY MANY TIMES.

But he never got an autograph - that’s why there was the misunderstanding in the alley when poor dear Magoo mistook Donald for his dear old pal ! A tragedy!

Oh what a sad week this has been. Magoos slip in the alleyway, the death of Little Percy ( God test his tasty little soul ) the funeral ( as solemn and momentous as that of Queen Victoria ) and the ruination of our parade in Little Percy’s memory by that nameless bald headed harlot. NAMELESS I SAY. NAMELESS.
But I can honestly say that we Magoos are kind and gentle people, never known to hold a grudge. Even in the midst of tragedy our light still shines. I can hear a song...... oh it’s lemon singing as she’s sweeping the fag ends up, such a sweet voice.

I think I’ll have to wait it out here a little longer. Big Jim is good company and I know Magoo will still be like a madman. I’ve seen it before, he’ll have his Vera Lynne albums out, spinning them on the decks at 45rpm then it’s another cherry B and the downward spiral begins again
Oh what a comfort lemon has been to me today, a tart with a heart of gold ! Pure class from her brassy roots down to her fungal infected toenails. Like a sister to me.
Tomorrow is another day, red sky at night, the abattoirs on fire. All roads lead to Rome. I don’t think I can face another electronic tag if the police catch me. They accidentally put it round my ankle and the leg of my rollator last time. Oh the agony........

I thought that was your old motto? Sure, that’s what Thor and Trev, Big Jim, the Admiral and the Captain told me anyway.
Love the red shoes, I used to have a pair just like that.....they vanished last New Years Eve, funny that!

I was thinking of “oops upside your head, I said oops upside your head” in a long line from the argy past the abattoir to the “casino” I shall get my red “car to bar shoes”???? on and hopefully Mersey Madame will have finished my fur “number”!! Ready and willing is my New motto??

I shall be reprising my dance of the seven veils.....by popular request.( well, it’s popular with me.)?

If the police come round, there’s a cubby hole in the cellar you can hide in Mersey I will sling in a blanket ( a bit motheaten but serviceable) and a bucket of newly made poteen.Technically, we should wait six months before drinking it, but who dares wins as they say, and you should get your eyesight back by Christmas.

GG13......any thoughts on Sat night talent nite? You gave them a rendition of ‘I did it my way’ last time, stood on a table ( dead drunk) wearing nothing but your vest ( fortunately a long one) and a pair of white stillettos, it brought the house down ( literally, as there was a stampede for the door.)

Blimey “pledge for Percy “ is trending on twitter!!!

Newsflash - Soho Club Fracas -

Police were called earlier today to the well known night spot , The Argy Bargy Club, after two elderly women were found brawling in the street outside. The club is based in Soho and has in the past been the scene of violent affray. Last Christmas magistrates tried and failed to close the club after an undercover officer witnessed drug dealing in the reception area. Further investigation by Scotland Yard discovered the substance in question to be powdered elephant dung and suppositories containing Preparation H.
Today’s violent scenes related to two customers, named locally as Merseybelle2 and an even older lady, Carillion01. It is believed the argument started when Carillion01 accused the old Scouse of embroidering a rude word on her cross stitch of Des O’Connor. Angry words turned rapidly into a violent confrontation with witnesses claiming Merseybelle2 ripped Carillion01’s wig off and set fire to it with a can of Jeyes Fluid. The barman at this establishment ( who declined to give his name but was named by a bystander as Thor ) blamed Carillion01 for starting the row. He claimed he had seen Merseybelle2 quietly saying the rosary for a recently deceased pet when she was grappled to the floor and battered with a copy of Saga.
Police are appealing for witnesses. The area was still in chaos this evening as an illegal parade had started at the British Legion club nearby. The RSPCA has to be called as a large number of ferrets escaped and were last seen heading up the Argy’s back passage.
It appears Carillion01 may be the same person who attacked Princess Margaret in Fortnums in 1876 when a row developed over a large tin of Earl Grey. This is as yet unconfirmed and it is possible witnesses may have confused Carillion01 with Jack the Ripper.
Merseybelle2 is a known offender and has been offensive all her life. The Magoos are a well known crime family in the Liverpool area and Merseybelle2 may well be in breach of her latest ASBO. Police are warning the public not to approach either of the women if spotted in the area, but to contact them immediately on 666-666-666.

Charity appeals for your help -
A new charity has been set up today by a grieving family in memory of their dead ferret Little Percy.........

Sign up right now, what will you do?

Saturday night will be Talent Nite at the Argy, so polish up those spoons, bet your belly dancing gear washed and gargle twice a day in readiness!
Yes, vertically challenged people will be thrown ( out the back ) I threw marydoll twelve metres last year......but that was for running off to Italy with a week’s takings from the till.

What’s been going on in my absence.....can’t leave the Argy for two mins without something kicking off, fighting over Thor again I bet ( he’s mine btw!)
Also Gorgeous George is missing again ( has Chewbacca been round here today?)
Suggestions for your new ferret ( kindly donated by moi) in the name dept are : Itchy, Scratchy, or ( if it turns out I gave you a jill) Lucretia ..... which is also Thor’s pet name for me.

Merseybelle have you finished making my "little ensemble" out of Percy's pelt?, only asking as my beer mats are getting a little soggy!!!!

All kicking off at the Argy today annsixty ! Your mate Carillion01 can fill you in as she pretended to send you a private message publicly posted about me and my posts on this thread.
I shall miss the Argy as it’s been a lot of fun and you yourself seemed like a good sport. Maybe I’ll apply for your Casino when it’s open
There’s enough trouble and sorrow in the world and God in his mercy knows I’ve seen more than my fair share of it. I’ve always tried to deal with it with humour, like most Scousers I know. If people don’t like something, they don’t have to watch it or read it.
Your sour face mate ruined poor Little Percy’s memorial parade this afternoon which Magoo and I had to switch to the Legion at very short notice, and it’ll be hard to forgive her for that.
Donations to the fund though will still be welcomed and feel free to pass the hat round in your casino when it’s open. The family motto translated from the Latin reads - With An Open Hand Outstretched ?