Heartbreaking end to Police Search -
In a shocking development to a recent crime wave in the areas of both Soho and Oxford Street, ambulances have been spotted outside The Argy Bargy Club and at Kensington Barracks.
An unreliable source reported that at least two covered figures on stretchers had been removed from the Argy Bargy Club after people in full biohazard suits were seen entering the building. Another equally unreliable source said that there had been a misunderstanding and a group of pensioners from Swansea had mistakenly entered the building believing it to be Fancy Dress Night.
When asked, a police spokesman declined to give an interview with a curt ‘No comment.’
Elsewhere in the city an elderly woman threw herself under a horse being ridden by a member of the Household Cavalry and was pronounced dead at the scene. A number of people witnessed the appalling event but had refused to make any effort to resuscitate the unfortunate victim. When pressed for more information it was clear ageism had played a part in the public’s unwillingness to aid and assist as at least two men stated that if she had been fit and under 30 they would have had a go at reviving her, and others claiming they had seen wanted posters matching her description outside Harrods earlier that day and didn’t think it was worth the bother. Other excuses ranged from ‘she should have sucked a polo mint before throwing herself under the horse’ to ‘couldn’t be arsed’.
Dr Noh, the off duty medic who in fact uttered the last remark, said he’d just finished a 43 hour shift in A&E and was effectively brain dead himself. The victim was shabbily dressed and was found to have a copy of The Lady in one hand and a photograph of Des ‘O Connor in the other.
We are happy to report that the magnificent stallion, Mr Ed, that trampled the old fart to death was completely unharmed but will require re-shoeing immediately.
Enquiries continue concerning the other two victims believed to have been found dead in the men’s toilets at The Argy Bargy Club. Unconfirmed reports have stated the bodies were of the cleaner at the Club, a wanted fugitive herself, and a small pet rat she had recently acquired. Murder-suicide has been offered as a motive as it is believed the woman, thought to be Merseybelle2, had recently received news of her husband’s wish for a divorce and desire to remarry almost immediately.
The owner of the Argy Bargy, Lucretia Lemon-Grove could not be contacted for a statement but both a magician and a clown ( possibly booked for a late night show ) were seen to leave the building wearing black arm bands.
Tributes have been arriving constantly since the sad news broke and the road outside has had to be closed due to the amount of flowers, teddy bears, old chip papers and used condoms piled high on the pavements. A large packet of kebabs with a hand written card saying ‘ So sorry from Ali’ and a large card with a picture of a Range Rover with a deer on the its bonnet and ‘ Love Philip’ printed on it by a Royal lackey was also spotted.
To be continued -
