Multi-generational living

Our eldest daughter has a friend on Tyneside whose parents bought the house next to them - it seems to be an ideal arrangement.
So I'm looking out for a For Sale sign in the houses next to us.
House prices where she is (Berkshire) are about 3 or 4 times higher than those up here in the NE.

Whoops, that should read 600 miles away.

My DD has often suggested this sort of thing, since they have a 2 storey house and I could have my own quarters , privacy etc. I've always demurred, since I like my independence. Now I'm glad I did, since DD's husband has just accepted a wonderful job 100 miles away . I couldn't help wondering " what would have happened to me ?"

Still not getting this to work. message to me.

Some of the unhappy multigenerational living stories Ive heard have come from italy. The emphasis is on hierarchy not cooperation. Not good if you're not near the top.

In Italy, where I live, this seems to be the norm. I am surrounded by three families who live this way. Opposite, the house is divided into grandparents downstaira and daughter plus family up. The grandfather does a lot of baby-sitting duties. The grandmother still works.
Across the way, the grandparents own the place but have built in two apartments for their sons plus families. They all seem to rub along well.
Next door, an elderly widower lives on the bottom floor (where there is a big kitchen). The two sons live in their own flats on the above floors. (One has his male partner with him at weekends and he has a small kitchen too). The other lives alone in the top flat.
The elderly father does the cooking and laundry and organises the cleaners for all of them. The sons see to the garden and the weekend shopping. They work and all three contribute to the mortgage payments. The sons take time off sometimes to accompany the father for medical visits etc. They all seem happy too.
I rather envy all of them as my husband and I have nobody to turn to should we need it.

I have a not good experience of my DM living in a granny flat within our house. She was a very strong, still youngish, independent lady and I resented her. It brought out the worst in me and luckily she moved on and it was all amicable again.
Some of my friends have done it successfully but it was things like. She could see who was visiting and expected to be included in everything. She criticised my friends. She criticised my parenting. It was just like being a teenager again.
I had been considering sharing again but this time with my ancient in-laws. After airing the idea on here I am being far more circumspect.
Thanks GN community.

It's such a personal thing isn't it, with so many variables. A great deal depends on your state of health and whether or not you need or may need help. Some people are happy to have others around and be part of a bigger family group, for others this would be totally intrusive.
This idea was mooted by one of my daughters a few years ago, I declined the offer. Since then she has split with her partner and moved a couple of times. As others have said make sure you have the legal and financial details in order before you commit.
I have a friend for whom this has worked very well, just think carefully.

I'm lucky as I helped my Dd and Dsil to buy a large 4 bedroom house, practically at the bottom of my garden.
I've been lucky enough to be involved with caring for all the DGc, the oldest, twin girls, both now at Uni and Dgs 10, who I loved looking after full time when my Dd went back to work and still look after from school, take him to Rugby, Music lessons and generally get up to mischief with. Dd is always saying, "What are you two up to"? My little partner in crime!
I don't know how it would have worked out had I been in a Granny Flat but being very close neighbours is great.

Lucky you, seems ideal with someone there in case of emergency, yet your own privacy too, so important to most of us, yet a lot of people seem to assume that as you get older you want company all the time.
I have no family, so when Himself shuffles off - which I hope won't be before me - it will be an old wrinklies home for me. Happy days!

pros and cons with all things,what if divorce happened?
ive considered it, but with high divorce rate these days?
hopefully we want peace of mind as we age.i would have my own place,sorry if its a bit pessimistic-its based on my and others experiences

Our neighbours did this many years ago - their son built an extension to their house and our neighbours sold up and moved to live with them paying for the extension from the house sale. It worked out well for them all and they were able to spend time with their grandson who was only small when they moved. If you get on well with your family it should be fine.

I live in a self contained Granny Flat and am independent but my daughter calls in most nights after work , the odd (delicious) meal is shared as she is a much better cook than I am . I take in parcels , be there for meter men etc , no children , but my grandchildren call to visit and nip next door to visit their Aunt and Uncle

It has worked for us for four years now but we live in separate dwellings. DD and the two DGSs (now adult.)

DD lives in our bungalow and we converted a building into a 'granny annexe' at the other end of our large garden. We don't live in each other's pockets and the only support, which I was happy to give, was driving the boys to and from the station to get to school/6th form and then to the village for their holiday jobs. Once they passed their tests they were off!!

DH says it's all about give and take....We give, they take.

I wouldn't have it any other way though. I just wish the rest of the family lived nearer.

Oh and before the main home was shared they co owned a holiday home so were used to sorting out "business" between them.

I think if you dont already have that level of financial and physical closeness, leaping into a shared home (al beit a divided up one) is a huge mistake.

Take some baby steps first

I only know one family that it worked really well for.

The key was that they already lived in each others pockets before sharing a property (and they had separated up the house so own kitchens and bathrooms but still). I.e. they saw each other daily, went on holidays together, lived very entwined lives, so when they shared the property it wasnt a big leap.

I’d love to do this and have plenty of choice of daughters to live with. However, none of them has ever suggested it so I’m sure they are less keen than I am.
In ten years time I could be ga-ga or housebound or terminally unpleasant (a family trait) I’m not going to inflict myself on anyone else unless invited.

I know someone who persuaded her mother to sell up and move into a new granny flat extension on her home paid for by the proceeds of the mothers house sale . Years later the mother died and the daughter sold up. She denied her brother any share of the mothers interest in the property and they never spoke again.

Oops - carpe diem!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments. A couple of friends have said they think I'm too young to be doing this (I'm late 60s) but my feeling is that if I leave it too long, the whole moving business will be too overwhelming whereas now I'm able to cope. Financial decisions very important - have consulted a solicitor about trusts, mostly to protect my other daughter's potential inheritance. I'm not a natural risk taker but feel it's do-able. Carper diem!

I share my home with my Son and Daughter in law and I'm happy to do so. We all get on well and although we share the kitchen, dining room and bathrooms etc we don't have any issues. We manage to be independent and share our space only you know how well you all get on together and how tolerant you all are.

Be careful. I live in just such a set up, the original house being mine but we moved into a new annexe to make room for DS and family. They then emigrated leaving us rattling around in a house far too big for us. DD and family then moved in and it hasn't been totally satisfactory as we feel at times that we are being organised . Looking back, I wish we had kept our independence.

I have idly wondered this too. But as has been said, what about the financial angle? Like crazy H, I have 2 sons. One of them has a large property. Even if we were to consider this, how fair would it be to both sons, financially? And how would we stand if I needed care and had used the capital from my house to increase the value of 1 son and enabled the younger one to buy a property? I think I would be deemed to have given away my capital. So it remains in my head.

What a great idea - I wish one of my boys would suggest it because they have large gardens and could easily build a granny flat (I would finance it ofcourse from the sale of my house). But that's a dream and it will stay that way. My d.il.s are not that fond of me ?My daughter doesn't have a large garden, bless or I'm sure she wouldn't mind.
You are lucky Bella that this has been suggested, but as others have said, be cautious !

It sounds wonderful - I wish we could do that .
Sorry to be materialistic, but make sure you agree on financial arrangements in advance. Money often causes problems in families.