the big c

Well said, Maw. My husband (and me) have been living with cancer for ten years plus. He has prostate cancer which has spread to his bones but he is mostly well.
At first we were devastated and tried to pack a lot of living in but after a while started to carry on our lives as we did pre-diagnosis.
Living with cancer is normal for us now. We still bicker, fall out, make up and enjoy being together. He is fatigued most of the time and his early nights are getting earlier. I miss company in the evenings but a small price to pay to still have him with me

That's great Optimist I agree.

I replied on another thread with the same title.
My DH is going through this so I am too.
We are lucky to have a great set up including the Maggy's Centre to keep us feeling that it's about living and not dying.
It can be a good excuse to back out of some things we don't want to do. In fact it concentrates the mind in a good way.
We don't put things off either. If we want to do something we grab the moment it's a sunny so he's off with a friend for the day.

My daughter in law hasn't even lived for 50 years, they have a 10 year son, she is dying, how fair is that?

Dear Summerstorm I don't think that anyone on here is competing but just sharing, as you did yourself, and what a help every story is. Isn't it amazing what help and support is out there and how greatly we can help each other even by saying I have read your thread and I so feel for you.
Gransnetters are wonderful, thank you all for just being there! X

A brilliant post by Panache. Well done you.

This is such a wonderful thread, full of humanity and wisdom. My SIL aged only 50 has just been told that her breast cancer has returned and is all over her body and is incurable. My brother (her husband) was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer 3 years ago aged 55 and given a prognosis of 2-10 years. He's currently stable after treatment but has to live with the threat of it spreading. My lovely old dad died of cancer 3 years ago.

There are very few families who aren't touched by cancer. But as has been pointed out, there are so many other serious and common conditions that are a fact of life. Cancer though holds a particular fear for so many people and I'm one of them and wish I could put the fear into context. Knowing that there are so many people who are living with the disease and making the most of their lives is inspirational. And knowing how many of us are touched by cancer does take away the fear somewhat.

Brenda, I hope you can see that you're not alone and that your BIL and sister just need you to be there for them.

Dear Brenda I think Caocao s post has put it into prescpective
I think you are feeling this so much harder because from your other threads you are obviously going through a difficult, sensitive, and depressive time
Please try to concentrate on the positives Your brother in law has not been given a month he has been given a prognosis of time...time to spend with his loved ones and who knows he may well outlive his time and they may be new treatments to give him longer even
None of us know what time we ve got, is it best to be warned or just go in a butterflies breath I don’t know?
Please give your brother in law and sister some positive support not a doom and gloom phone call Please try not to see the worst

Sorry to read of your distress Brendaj but as a previous poster has said, your BIL has had 50 years of marriage and so is presumably in his seventies. To be honest when I read the title of your post I immediately thought you were referring to a husband, younger son or daughter or a grandchild. No, I don't think 'Life is unfair' - sad, bad things can happen to us all along the way, but the important thing is how you deal with them. As Aunt Eller says in 'Oklahoma' ... "Be hardy". You can be of immeasurable help to your sister and BIL by offering practical, uplifting support and wish you all the best in the coming months and years.

I’d only read a few of the responses before I commented myself. I’ve now gone back and read all of them and find it incredible that so many people are talking about their or their friends, family, partners illnesses. It’s not a competition people, Brenda was looking for some advice and maybe helpful suggestions not the some of the responses that are on here

Seems that every other person has cancer nowadays. I was cured of bowel cancer fifteen years ago and have recently been told that I am in remission from anal cancer after treatment by radiotheraphy. My husband had stomach cancer at the age of 67 and was going for his last chemo when he died of heart attack.

What lovely posts on here particularly that of dear Panache who is always so encouraging.
I have just finished talking on the phone to a dear old friend of 95 years of age who had a cancer diagnosis at aged 26 and was given a prognosis of 6 months to live. As she says, "God had other ideas which differed greatly!" On approaching his own death Billy Graham once said, "You cannot count your days, but you can make your days count"
Brenda as has been suggested on one of your other threads, do get along to the chemist and ask about those travel sickness helps which are available nowadays and do some research on the best way of travelling those 250 miles to see them. In a funny sort of way this might help you to feel better about all those other things which are bothering you at present at the same time as being a real support to your dear sister and BIL. You could be such a blessing to them by helping them to enjoy life at present and making all of your days count.
Hope it is as beautiful a sunny day where you are today!

Brendajtell them how you feel, that you're sorry and don't know what else to say. That allows them to talk to you about it if they need too, either together or individually.

When my mum was diagnosed with cancer, which she recovered from, I know for her that the worse thing any one could do was to try and ignore it.

I'm just a walking disaster but if I ever gave in to it that would be the end for me. Instead,when anything else strange crops up I laugh and ask myself " what else ?" I have multiple medical problems where some days I could jump through hoops and others could literally lie down and die----but I'd never allow myself to get in such a state.
I was diagnosed with both heart failure and kidney failure amongst other things 12 years ago. Fortunately I'm at stage 3 with the kidneys which thousands have and live to be 100 so no worries. As long as I look after myself with a good diet I'll keep going. Skin cancer too has been a bit of a nuisance. BCC's they're called but soon rectified unlike the cancers you can't see !
It's a very lucky person who can reach old age without a problem of sorts. I count myself lucky x

Having recently suffered from cancer, currently in remission although thought I was cured. The Maggie Centre was a great help to me, and if you can get them to go along for a visit and a cup of coffee now, while he is still around. It would be a great help to them both and also a comfort later on. They are very knowledgeable and are there for families and friends of cancer patients

sad times, life at times seems unfair to us all, I am sure we can all relate to that. hopefully this will bring people important to you closer, and don't forget to reach out.
my thoughts are with you

My younger brother was diagnosed with throat cancer 4 years ago and has been fitted with a tracheotomy so can still talk. Had a few operations, we nearly lost him twice and earlier this year was told the cancer had returned and there was nothing else they could do, we were naturally devastated. 2 months later a U turn happened and he was told that the cancer had not returned after all and he was given 100% all clear after all the scans/tests. 2 days later he had a heart attack. He has since bounced back from that and is truly a walking miracle ! Thro out this time he has just wanted everyone to act as per norm and help with practical stuff as/when.

yes it’s bad news but can’t help thinking about why you say life is unfair.
I can't help feeling that if you had children with an inherited illness which denied you grandchildren, had lost your husband fairly recently and now were told that somebody close to you had terminal cancer, you might feel that life was unfair. Don't we all feel like that sometimes? And probably with less good reason!
It is difficult to advise you about what you can do without knowing what treatment is on offer or how much pain your BIL is in. If they are reasonable symptom free, I would urge them to live their lives to the fullest so that they have the most wonderful memories to look back on in tough times. I would offer my help in anyway they needed but without being over fussy. I think you can only take your lead from them.

I had been married for 50 years when my husband was told he had five years to live (he actually managed four). I just followed his lead...........if he wanted to talk about it - we did. If he wanted to ignore the future and live in the moment - we did. He was in control, not of the situation, but of how we handled it. It worked for us.

Where there's life, there's hope. Doctors often get things wrong, and it would be a shame to blight the next two years by waiting for the bombshell to drop. My friend, who had been in remission for years, was told that her cancer had come back, at the age of 84. She was too old for an operation, and chemotherapy would, apparently, have made her really ill with little chance of a cure. Her third option was to get on with her life, which they forecast would be, at the most, three years more. She opted for the third choice, and got on with her life, enjoying every moment.

She celebrated her 90th birthday last August. She is finally slipping away, in some discomfort, but serenely and calmly. She has no regrets, and is facing her imminent death as if she is going on an interesting journey. A wonderful woman, and a very good friend. I will mourn her, when the time comes, and hope that I will face my end as bravely as she has.

With friends I've been reading books about death and dying - it is not something we easily talk about, but we are all going to die. Our small group have all found it very helpful to read, think about and prepare our minds for death - which may, for us , be many years ahead, or may be tomorrow. Some psychological approaches and many spiritual traditions tell us that remembering death is an important way to help us value what matters in life - love, peace, living in the present, and compassion - for ourselves and others. It is always sad when someone is told their life is coming to an end, but it can often be a time when they are able to drop the concerns about the things which do not really matter, and focus on what does matter. Also they can focus on unfinished business in their lives - many people at this stage want to say "Please forgive me. I forgive you." And some focus on a 'legacy project' - not just making sure their will is up to date, and that they have told family what they want for their funeral, but also, for instance, some people decide they can still be helpful to family by showing how they can approach death with truth and acceptance. The person who has been told their likely life expectancy, may want to talk about death - someone close to me was very grateful when I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and then felt able to talk about it to others, and it helped her come to a place of acceptance.

Perhaps Brenda is of an age where cancer was referred to as the big C. I know my mother called it by that name. She also talked about a hysterectomy in hushed tones as "having it all taken away". It's more important that Brenda is given some support here, rather than being told off for her title.

I watched Stand Up To Cancer last week. It was utterly heartbreaking. One family lost a little boy to cancer and now his mum, a young woman, is terminal. My own nephew died at 16 from cancer

I’m going through this, in fact we were told two years eight years ago. I can’t pretend it’s been easy for my husband or me. Our lives have utterly changed due to cancer but we have seen our girls married and a grandchild born, things we did not expect. No one really knows how long they have, thankfully we have always tried to be cheerful but realistic and it’s worked for us. I must admit I felt awful for the OP when I read some of the first posts, whilst they definitely have a point this was neither the time nor the place for it. I felt her pain too.

Agree with every post on here. So many children die of terrible illnesses every day.that's just heartbreakingly unfair.

Hi Brenda....of course you feel devastated, it's big news and will take time to process. It will sink in...and you will find ways of coping, as will your sister and BIL. Right now, just be kind to yourself and as others have said, doctors aren't always right about what will happen. As to life being unfair....perhaps....All we can do is be as loving as we can..(I don't happen to think its the absolute end, and of course that helps.) As for what to say, its more about being willing to be good listener for when your sister and BIL want to talk about this. Really listening isn't easy but really, its the best thing, so they don't feel isolated with this. And you will just be yourself. Even saying to them that you don't know what to say is great. Hugs are great. And lots of other good suggestions on the thread! There is more I could say but you already have lots to read and absorb in the thread and also you need time to get over the initial shock. I hope something we've said helps..wishing you all the best, Brenda.