children

Lovely to see our children but they are not there to be our companions - we need to have our own friends, hobbies and lives - I still have my husband so don't know what it would be like if on my own - I hope that I wont depend on children and grandchildren to make me happy and content

Brendaj

I wonder how they would feel if one of their partners died and you said you were too busy to visit or make a phone call during the few years post funeral.
It sounds careless to me. How many miles away is Brighton from your home. Have you thought about a senior railcard (£30 but can use Tesco points) OR a National Express senior card both of which give 1/3 off fares?
I do hope you find the courage to get out more and perhaps visit them after arranging a date.
Sitting indoors and mulling things over can be dispiriting.

One of my sons lives just 5 minutes away from me and he hasn't been to see me since 29th April. The other two live 25 miles away and I see them regularly.

I think there are only 2 distances away from our children, nearby and not nearby. We either see them 'often' or someone has to organise a special journey. My dad used to ring his parents every night in 50s and 60s to check they were ok. My sister used to check on Mum everyday by visiting her down the road herself, or one of her children would drop in when passing. However both these routines started before they were necessary due to bereavement or illness. Once the communication chain is broken, someone has to go out of their way to repair it. And it's never too late to try.

Mellowyellow I could have written your post but nowadays AC dont seem to even think about their parents let alone their aunts and uncles.
I am the one who has moved away although I do have a son living 75 miles away from us. We see him maybe twice a year because we make the effort to. But even when I was here on my own he never thought to ring or message me to see if I was ok.
We are coming to England for some their birthdays next month (6) but we will be staying in a hotel. Only 1 DD is likely to invite us to have a meal at their house all the others expect us to take them out for meals and pay for it all.
But my situation is totally different to the OP's. I do think you should communicate more with your children as unless you tell them how you are feeling they won't know. Try to be more determined and make the effort to travel. We can only change ourselves not anyone else.

There are companies that offer house sitting services. They usually involve animals so if you feel like looking after a dog or too you could get free accommodation. I think they pay a bit too but not a fortune.
I’m not sure about this travel sickness, I’m sick on a mill pond but it has never stopped me going on a boat. Take the tablets. They work.

My Mum lives very close but when we visit her conversation is all about her and her various complaints coupled with a lengthy diatribe of my faults. In between visits I get calls which go on about how nobody wants to see her and She doesn’t understand why I can’t find more time for her. I grit my teeth so I don’t tell her what a thankless task it is. Her saving grace, her sense of humour is seemingly leaving her and every suggestion for a more fulfilling life is met with an excuse. If I lived miles away, I would find it hard to visit.
Without meaning to be unkind, do you think that maybe you’ve got so lost in your problems that you are not hearing the difficulties they have? It is such an easy trap to fall into, particularly if you are lonely. Maybe if you could find a way to work on your anxiety to have more of an interesting life at your end to chat about, asked more about their lives and things were a little more upbeat, you might find they want to make more of an effort to visit.

Brendaj. Were the children able to get to your husband’s funeral? Do they ever visit each other?

I understand how you feel - it is very common to be depressed after shingles let alone your other health problems. However, it sounds as though you will have to make an effort if you want to see them. You can buy tablets or wrist band for motion sickness, I understand they work quite well. Depending on where you live, and your finances, could you get a flight to Gatwick to cut the journey time to visit them? If not there is a new train sevice direct to Brighton from Peterborough. Now that it is out of season, can you afford to stay in a hotel near one of the children, and perhaps the other will visit, if not, can you then travel and stay near the other one - say for 2 nights near each or one if money is a problem. You might find a cheap B&B or something on BNB. I have a similar problem with visiting a son and family in Sussex, who have no spare room, and I have to use a hotel nearby. As I travel to visit three different relations I have a senior railcard which makes it cheaper.
However the travelling does take it out of me and it is getting harder and taking more out of me each time. Although it may not be easy, if you can manage it, do try and visit them. I doubt if their lives are easy either.

Hello brendaj. I totally understand your feelings. I have 3 daughters, 1 in north London, 1 in SE London and the other in Cumbria and we are in Somerset. I was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago and nearly died after the first chemo session, but none of them came to see me. Infact, after my hospital treatment was completed, 2 of them complained that I wasn't helping them enough! My DH thinks it is the facebook generation that have become very self-centered. This doesn't help you at all other than perhaps to understand why they are like this. And yes, I totally agree that moving to be nearer them probably isn't the answer. I started volunteering - it's different from working as, if not well, I don't feel guilty about cancelling. But it helps with your feelings of self-worth and may help you make friends too. My friends really help me when I need to moan, or need help with hospital appointments etc.
It is really tough and I do so empathise. Oh, just one idea to help, possibly - I do a lot of craft stuff, knitting, crochet and sewing for the family and friends and now for our food bank - it keeps me occupied and gives me a good feeling when I finish something! Lots of love!

Would you be able to move nearer to your children? I don't mean right next door but closer, so travel to see you would be more viable for them to do? Sometimes you can find a house swop or council house/flat swop etc so you don't have to go through the stress of selling a property? Can you keep in contact via Facebook and the like? Not the same as a visit I know but at least you can tell each other about your day/week. I would say look for work as a volunteer if you are healthy enough to do such a role yourself, there are lots of opportunities about and some can even be done from home. It would help you feel more valued and who knows what friendships you might make as a result.

Ive got three sons no daughters thought hey would keep in touch but don really. One son does and the other lives half a mile away just works all be time so don't see him or his family unless we go. Third son lives few miles away building his business up and looks after his family well. Get occasional call and visits birthdays etc my husband and I are still working so just get on with it feel it more at this time of year with Christmas coming but it's us that makes the effort not them just the way it is. You take care get out there and join something I know it will be hard but first steps. X

I realise my situation is not the same as yours Brendaj. My son lives in Australia. Where would we be without Skype - great invention. We tend to visit each other every 2-3 years but age is catching up with us and our travel over there but, .... there’s always Skype which we do regularly. Please look into it.

I have a guest house and because where it is (Plymouth) has Navy and Army bases lots of families from other areas end up settling here.
We have quite a lot of Mums & Dads, Nans & Grandads staying with us that are down to visit their children and grandchildren from often quite a distance away (one last week from Scotland. They stay at a guest house because their isn’t room at their families houses. I know there is obviously a cost involved but it is nice for them to visit and also have a bit of a holiday themselves.
My youngest daughter is in Australia though a bit harder to visit.

They should call you at least once a week and visit at least once a month.

It’s up to you to discuss and agree this with your children.

These days too many of us subcontract our care to the state.

Your family can't be your social life especially as they have a difficulty to overcome which it sounds as if they have. Your illness makes it difficult for you to travel. That is just the way it is. Do you keep in contact by telephone? I suffer from depression and anxiety although I am ok at the moment. It doesn't draw people to you for understandable reasons and you have to think about how friendly and chatty you are when you speak to your children.
Maybe later today you can give them a call and just have a chat but always make it the kind of call that you would like to receive. They may be aware of your loneliness but not have the capacity to deal with it with things that are happening in their own lives. There is no point mourning for the family life that you wanted to have and you have to accept what is not going to be possible.
It is very difficult when you are ill to get above things and I agree with Cornergran that you need to break things down and not try to cope with everything at once. It sounds as if you need to rest. There is nothing wrong with watching TV or spending time on line and filling your time with gentle pursuits until you recover your health a bit. This can take some time. Age UK has a telephone befriending service and they seem to be reasonably local. It might be worth one call. Nothing lost if you don't like it.

How about sending them a cheery invitation on a nice card, inviting them for lunch on a specific date - not Christmas, a time when they're not likely to have much on. If they accept, go to a supermarket and get some posh food in that needs little or no preparation. And whether they come or not, don't guilt trip them! I hope it works out OP ?

Brendaj, our son lives ten miles away and although we pick up the GC every week we rarely see him and his wife socially but he does turn up if there is an emergency. Maybe they don’t realise how ill and / or lonely you are and perhaps you just need to tell them? Given the issues they have to deal with in their own lives perhaps you have to give them some leeway and come to an arrangement about meeting up? I hope you can sort something out

Yes the explanation throws a different light on things! Your children are registerd blind(which i know doesnt stop people from living their lives)but still- if you dont have same then you get travel sick then yes it does sound a bit selfish not to just take travel sickness pills& get on a train or coach& go to see them- its bound to be easier- (unless maybe they have partners whom are not such afflicted who drive maybe?)I had blood clots on my lungs which led to them finding a deep vein thrombosis which is still forming clots so am on pills for it lifelong(im only 55)i also have bad osteoarthritis but i dont let any of it stop me visiting my other adult kids-who live 76 miles away on trains &buses till one of my younger sons passed driving test last year.

Times have changed. I worked full time, single mum, had 4 children, my mum lived 14 miles away.I always saw my mum weekly, did her shopping. Had annual leave and spent time with her. I was bought up with lots of aunts and uncles. Weekly visits where everyone met up at my Nan's. Brought up to care about family and elderly relatives, and helped care for my aunt, who had no children until she died. Nowadays I think it's all about 'me', my own children included. Yes, they live busy loves, but so did I. Did we go wrong somewhere, maybe we put too much emphasis on our children's needs? I was 'seen and not heard', nowadays young children dominate the time you spend at their houses (my own grandchildren included). There must be a middle balance? You do feel 'redundant'. My boys are pretty good, but I don't ask for much....and maybe this is where we go wrong?????

TRAIN tickets :/

Hello Brendaj, I feel for you I really do but our one and only child lives in Australia. He moved over there ten years ago and for the first five years, we didn't see him at all. Since then we've seen him four times, the first was in Fiji for his wedding the second when his first daughter was born and the third when his second daughter was born. He and his wife and family also came to England once. We've not spoken to him in eight months although his wife is in regular contact via Facebook. We feel involved as we see lots of photos of the girls but we do miss them all dreadfully. The problem is they have no money for another trip to the UK and we are struggling to afford another trip there. The travelling also becomes more difficult as we get older. Our son is working all the hours there are just to support his family and when he gets home at night he just wants to sleep. So although I feel for you I also wish our son was 'only' 250 miles away, we could perhaps afford to see more of him then. Please don't think I'm being unkind I'm really not, I'm just feeling sorry for myself! Still enough of that, there is Sainsbury's shopping to do and then there are several competitions I want to enter. You never know I might just win a trip to Australia or the money to pay the flights. Have you ever thought about doing a few online competitions? it doesn't cost anything, it passes the time and I look forward to the post arriving because I never know just what might turn up. Sending you my very best wishes

Is there any chance at all of you perhaps relocating to be nearer them?maybe its the distance thats a worry- petrol/diesal costs a lot these days to fill up a tank & go visit 250 miles away.thats if they even have transport as rain tickets are even more costly.

its tricky for sure, theres an idea that if you raised them well giving them confidence to go out in the world then they are probably living busy lives and have little time for old parents! if they see youall the time are they looking for your approval? interesting idea, I have one son who lives 250 miles away I speak every week the other son only 5 miles away im lucky if I see him 3 to 4 times a year and he never rings Ive scratched my head challenged him, his reply is he is so busy with work social life he finds it difficult to find time. that said ,the young spend so much time on their phones a quick hello every week or so would be nice

Hallo Brendaj. First of all, well done for writing to GN. That's a good first step.
It's not always easy to do that and know how much to say when you first write......as in a conversation there can be a slow build up of a information'. I also only see my AC a few times a year as they live over 600 miles away. They are busy and dealing with their own issues so I rarely tell them any of my problems. I think that's normal.
I had a real 'turn around' of feelings when I realised it felt better to offer them my help rather than be sad that they didn't offer to help me. It changed things in my own head.
It must have been hard for you when your children were young and registered blind and I expect you'd really like them to realise that now you need some support..
Good luck. You've made a good first step here.

Brenda, why did you not say this at the start? It places a completely different complexion on everything. Do you have any vision or other mobility problems?

Travelling must be difficult for your children. It is not surprising that they do not visit often. Although you say your children live in Kent and Brighton, I do not think you have told us where you live - except that it is 250 miles away. By my reckoning that is in Lancashire or North Yorkshire. Probably difficult for them to visit for a weekend using public transport. Can you not visit them?

I am afraid I really am at a loss as to any solution to your problems. If the way you have fed us with information is symptomatic of how you and your children communicate at a family level then possibly the first thing to do is start getting contact between family members going on a regular basis, whether by regular phone calls or online, then start talking each other openly about your lives and build up to discussing the problems all three of you have. Perhaps then the question of seeing each other regularly can be broached.