How do you change a man’s behaviour (light hearted- I think??)

But what if you don't discover they 'need' changing until after marriage, paddyann?

Mamacaz My mother used to say dont marry him if you feel you have to change him,marry him for who he is now.Dont marry him because you think you COULD live with him,marry him because you couldn't live WITHOUT him.

Well said synonymous and PECS
I think we need a new teapot emoticon! ?

Gabriella Generalisation is the tool used by media moguls to brainwash the masses. All people discover things they like at different stages of their lives and will then enjoy them thereafter.
People in succesful businesses will always owe their success to finding ways of using the by products to increase their profits. Tea bags came about to use up the much smaller bits of leaves which were usually swept away as rubbish and binned. Someone invented a container for what was considered rubbish which meant that they could still be used to make tea without the inevitable 'floaters' . Advertising those little bags made the fortunes of many from those sweeping. Even the different shapes of bags for better brewing made money for those people claiming they released more flavour etc.
As for the delusion that nobody uses leaf tea any more there are many of us who have never stopped using it. We are the people who both recognize and appreciate the flavour and aroma of a good leaf and let it brew to it's full potential in a good pot. I have several different pots.
The better tea shops all serve tea in the correct way to make an infusion with the best result for discerning clientele who appreciate the finer things in life - and they know that those people will return ensuring their businesses will flourish.
Tea bags are very useful when making a mug of tea in the car on a long journey when you can't get a decent cup.

Men are pre-programmed to consider all domestic duties are the responsibility of women. It's up to mothers to change this. Train your sons to help with the housework, make them feel it's the natural thing to do. When I was in hospital having a baby, my husband looked after the house. He said he hadn't realised just how much I had to do, and promised to help in future. That proved to be all talk!

Hilly60

That is so funny

I got around the 'not putting the toilet seat down' prob by telling DH that it was Fung sheu to do this as it stopped the house's money from disappearing down the sewer! As he is an accountant this struck a chord and it never in 30 years been a problem. That is all I managed to cure him of though! When we had small children I had a cleaner once a week to do dusting and vacuuming which left me with the rest which was just about doable but the garden!!!!! I loved gardening (still do) but the lawn was just too much so I employed a gardener to do both front and back lawns. I never actually got around to telling him we had a gardener for probably 10 plus years and he never noticed that the lawn didn't need cutting EVER! Until one day he had a day off work with depression (through overwork) and was laying on the sofa when the gardener came. When the gardener came he always brought his own huge lawn mower and didn't knock, just came around the side of the house and got on with the job. I was out shopping at the time and on my return my DH told me how he was laying on the sofa and heard a strange noise (lawn mower trundling around the side of house). I asked
'Did you get up and check what it was?'
No! 'Then a strange man started mowing our lawn.'
'Did you get up and ask him why?'
'No!'
I broke it to him that we had had a gardener for years because I couldn't do EVERYTHING in the house. The children still laugh at that story which showed him up no end but sadly there are many more stories like that one and all your posts just go to show I am not the only one to suffer. I often think that's why we outlive them, they just don't have enough to do poor loves.

I have only recently returned to teapot and loose tea in response to leatning that teabags have plastic in them and are not as biodegradable as I thought. Local new young cafe enterprises all use tea leaves and tea pots. Only the high st chains using tea bags.

It's called strategic incompetence. Fail at a job often enough and someone else will do it. I do know several young women who do no cooking at all, even though one doesn't work and the other only part- time. Their husbands stagger back from demanding jobs then start to cook, one for 4 kids as well as the parents. So women can be lazy too! I'm pretty indolent, but I've never managed to get my husband to do any cleaning.

Time for this.

Grandma70s

I tried that approach, but it didn't work with DS2. His filthy wet rugby kit rarely made an appearance in the laundry basket, so presumably he wore it wet and smelly every week (I never asked)!

Homework had to be chased up by teachers, and preparation for exams was equally lacking. It was only days before his Design and Technology A-level that he discovered that he had never even seen a book that the others had been working from for the last year and on which the written exam would be based. His teacher, who had also been his form tutor all through secondary school, despaired of him, and could see no way he could pass. However, he not only passed (he came out of the exam saying how easy the exam had been, to the teacher's dismissive response of "yeah, right!), but got an 'A'!

After that, it was away to uni. Visits to see him showed that his cleanliness hadn't improved. However, it became clear over time that his work-ethic had changed completely. Good marks early on made him strive for a First, which he went on to get.

As I said upthread, the cleanliness/domestic issues didn't improve one jot until he met his now-wife, a few years later, when the desire (i presume) to impress kicked in.

For hoof read yoof !

Only the elderly and delusional use teapots. Sooo passè

Who are you calling elderly? Or delusional?
1 The quality of leaf tea is infinitely superior to bags, as is the choice of blends, whether black, green or white teas
2 Teabags contribute to plastic waste
3 Not at all passé . (How easily the elderly can think they are up there with the hoof of today but misjudge it.)
Teabags have their place, are in the same category as instant coffee.
Have a look around you when you are next in a proper tearoom or “hipster” Shoreditch cafe - like the ubiquitous flat whites of the distinctly passé likes of Starbucks, mugs of tea with a bag are definitely not in evidence.

I need to add to my last post that I am made highly anxious by dirt, mess and chaos. I could not have married a lazy, messy man.

I am fortunate in having an OH who is as obsessively tidy as I am. Since he was made redundant and so, de facto, became retired, we have fought over household tasks and have come to some sort of accommodation as to who does what. Our house is like a stately home. In the morning we are the servants and garden staff and in the afternoon we are Lord and Lady Muck in our palace.

When my sons were teenagers and started leaving dirty clothes about and not putting them in the wash, I simply left them and didn’t wash them. When they had no clean clothes to wear they soon learnt their lesson. Consequences, consequences. Worked for other things too. If they forgot their PE kit for school they got into trouble. If they didn’t do homework, more trouble. They soon learnt to be more responsible.

This approach probably works for husbands, too, but if anything my husband was more organised than I was.

Forgive the long post but I can see you have to change the way you are looking at your lives. First of all I think it is essential to talk together and listen to each other. It really is necessary to explain how you each want to live and how you each see how this can be managed. If you cannot do this with mutual respect there will be no happiness. Sometimes people need help from a third party to ensure that the talk is non-confrontational and productive.
If you live long enough you need to continually rethink how you live. We personally are not spring chickens and not in the best of health so there has to be lots of care and consideration in our home. The following is what works for us. You need to find what works for you

I have a gem of a husband but then I have acquired the 'good enough' philosophy and also have everything organised to the 'enth degree.
DH cooks, gardens and does diy. He irons to 'spell me' but I do the washing. He places his washing sorted into the various bags in the linen box in the bathroom. It is far more likely that he will wash the dishes which don't go in the dishwasher and will also clean round the sink area. If I am able then I do it or we share the job. He will not do it in the same way that I would but that is unimportant. I can load the dishwasher better than he does so I reorganise when necessary before running it off and he laughs and is glad I have managed to get everything or nearly everything in. DH usually unloads although we sometimes do that together. I mend/sew.
There are days when I can't get my head off the pillow and DH will do literally everything that is necessary. We had to work out the best way of living within our capabilities and what help we needed to buy in to live well enough - and to still love each other! So we have a gardener/odd job man and a cleaner/general good fairy who are much valued and loved. We also have a regular window cleaner and maintenance people. When the family come they often do batch cooking for the freezer and some odd jobs.
If there is something which needs to be done it goes on a 'to do list' as DH is not a mind reader and doesn't 'see' things as I do and vice versa. I suggest who might be best able to do it or someone else to do it and Himself either agrees or cracks on with it and just crosses it off the list. Sometimes I will not agree to him doing something himself as I know it will be too much for him. He appreciates this now although he didn't at first.
We shop online, we eat out if we cannot manage meals ourselves and blow the expense whilst trying to keep within budgetary bounds. I enjoy doing things but can't manage to do much or do some solo so we work together and have found that we both enjoy it. I have a sense of achievement and he enjoys enabling me and we just enjoy doing a chore together.
I can be a little cunning sometimes when I know that he could do something and just needs encouragement, so I find out how much it would cost to buy in the help needed to do it and what we would need to cut back on to afford it. I then ask his advice as to which of the options I have for consideration would be most acceptable to us both and our overall budget. Sometimes the cost implication is all the encouragement he needs but if he feels he just can't then that is fine too and we decide on the available options or even if it is truly necessary.
We find that we need to take the long view and be very patient and also determined to get it right for us both to live well. We are both getting older and less able and we both still need mutual care, love and respect. Works for us anyway!

52 years in December is how long I have been trying to train DH to do some housework properly. He just skims over anything I ever ask him to help with. When DGS was born I used to visit for a week every month for about a year (had to travel 400 miles each way hence the staying) DH did manage to fend for himself and house was tidy for my return. Credit must be given though as he is terrific at DIY and fixing things takes care of the fairly large garden too but has no idea about planting which is left to me. Daily chores are a lost cause I'm afraid.

Two things I have learned. Men never mentally get past the age of twelve and they always do what they want to do first and what has to be done second!!!

Get a cleaner. If he won't pay,. deduct it from your housekeeping money and feed him on potatoes, beans, lentils etc. Lots of risottos.

Or get an aupair, he might like to chat to her, you would know she was time limited so OK.

Good luck

It never ceases to amaze me why people want their beds made as soon as the last person is out of bed.I can't think of anything worse than a bed being remade as soon as it has been vacated. We sleep in them for god knows how many hours, think of all the heat from our bodies for all those hours.Call me lazy if you want but I never make my bed until I get in it or it is sheet changing day.Phwoar what a pong.

Teach your children from the very beginning and they will seamlessly carry on your teachings into their adult lives, boys, especially.
My 'boys' were working and living away from home at 16 and then and now, do all household tasks to a 'white glove' standard indeed, they won't let their wives even do their ironing as they do it so much better.
TBH, I was gobsmacked when I saw their routines re clothes and shoes plus cooking and clearing up etc and was praising my DsiL...until they pointed out that it was my sons who were due the plaudits.

1974cookie

Only the elderly and delusional use teapots. Sooo passè

I think the answer is to get out and live on your own and leave him to his mess. I have stopped doing a lot of cleaning, don't do his washing, & if I've been at work all day (oh retired) I don't cook the evening meal. If he dosn't cook anything I suggest take out I've spent too many years doing everything I'm not spending any more and if he dosn't like it he knows where the door is