Needing help

My husband died suddenly when I was 60 and I have missed him dreadfully, but a short time ago another man unexpectedly entered my life. Reading these posts makes me realise how lucky I am, at 72, to have found a new happiness in my life.

I’m so sorry Polskasue. I can sympathise as my husband died suddenly when we were 51 two years ago at the end of this month. It was a few months short of our 30th wedding anniversary. I do miss him terribly but am lucky to have my daughter, her partner and my two grandsons (who have been born since then) living with me. My son, his wife and my granddaughter live on the same street. They keep me going, even more so since I’ve recently been diagnosed with breast cancer.
It doesn’t get easier you just find ways of coping.

so much good advice here. I am not in this situation myself but I nearly cried reading your post, it made me so sad for you. I can only think of one thing which I don't think has been mentioned and that is that you could get a dog or a cat? They do add a presence in your home. I used to have a wonderful cat and he would always come and jump on my knee for a cuddle when I got home from work. Other than that all I can do is tell you to hang in there and send you some

Sending a virtual hug xxx Some suggested MeetUp. I think this will get you out. So many things offered...something for everyone. You just have to put your interests in and distance willing to travel and they will send you information about different groups.

I'm not a widow but my mother was widowed suddenly when I was in mid teens. She was devastated, relied so much on my father because of her anxieties and depression. She lived for another 10 years but felt she had nothing to live for, our domestic circumstances had changed for the worse, she was very lonely and unhappy. So, although this is second-hand empathy in a way, I do sympathise with you, and I hope in time you feel less raw and draw comfort from the many happy memories you must have.

My condolences to all others who have lost a much loved husband/partner. My husband died almost 8 years ago at the age of 62. We had retired to France as that was his wish, never imagining that either of us would be left alone to cope with the beurocracy of dealing with death abroad. We had intended to come home before that ever happened.
Grief affects us all in different ways for however long it lasts. In my case I can honestly say that, although I will always miss him, there is still a life to live albeit a different one to the one we had planned. With time the awful memories of his illness, treatment and death have faded and the happy times are what I tented to think about.
I recommend counselling and staying busy. I was helped tremendously by an online group for widows/widowers called WayUp (way-up.co.uk). A group who truly understand what you are experiencing. You can join in the online discussions and the get togethers all over the UK, or just read the inspiring posts of others, maybe even offer support for those newly widowed.
Sending you all my best wishes.

I lost my DH very suddenly 10 years ago next month but it is still hard to return to an empty apartment ( had to sell the family home shortly after he died ).I still miss having someone to make a coffee (don’t like tea);and having someone to make a coffee or a meal for. I do go out for coffee and/ or lunch with girlfriends and I belong to twoU3As -a godsend! When we lose someone we have no choice but to try and build a new life and carry on,but it is not easy. Hopefully Polkasue you will eventually be able to move on and make some new friends to go out with. It won’t be the same ,but it does help to put some sort of meaning back into your own life.

I’m so sorry sue. I hope you can find ways to cope and will always come on here if you feel down or just want to have a virtual hug. So many on here in the same position so there will be a lot of understanding and support.
Wellwatched I think maybe you are not reading all the posts about childhood, loneliness etc. So many of us have had/are having really tough times in one way or another. Maybe when you get to know us a bit better you’ll realise that very few of us have a bed of roses ...

What sadness, Polkasue. Loss is like having a grenade thrown into the middle of your life. There is always much 'excitement' (of the worst possible kind) and when that all dies down, and what passes for normal life has to be picked up again, that time is as hard as the bereavement. I hope that small threads of a new life begin for you soon, and that you will feel better as time passes. Wise words from a dear friend who lost her father when she was young; that we owe it to our lost beloved ones to do the best we can to be happy; they would never want to see us weep for too long .

Sorry about my typos
“ bereavement” of course and “envy”
sometimes it is hard to see clearly through the tears.

I have been a widow for 21 years after the sudden death of my husband, I was 51. Now it seems like another lifetime, as my life has changed so much, retirement then grandchildren. Things will improve but it will take time, you are still raw and hurting at the moment. I thought I could never be happy again, but asked to feel content with my life which I think I have now achieved.

Dear wellwalked while I have much sympathy for your situation I cannot read a sentence like I am envious of the beteavement without feeling both deeply hurt, saddened, even angry.
Nowhere has anybody claimed lovely childhoods, close relationships with siblings or even that everything in the garden of their marriage was rosy.
To see your life partner suffer, to lose him after months or years of possibly 24/7 caring, to face one’s old age knowing that you will never feel that comforting presence again.
I can’t go there, it is just too painful.
I do hear the sadness in your post, failed relationships, personal unhappiness and yes, loneliness and I wish you happier days ahead. It sounds as if some sort of counselling might help you, even talking things over with Samaritans who are not merely there for the suicidal, but will provide a sympathetic listening ear.
But don’t “env” anybody their loss, please.

Many of us on here know how you feel. It's rotten being widowed and somehow you have to get used to being alone for much of the time. There's no-one to do nothing with and that feels incredibly sad. Just one year has gone by for you so I'd call it still early days so be gentle with yourself. I try to remember the good times of which I'm sure there were many.

Hello All,
My first time posting but have browsed the comments for a while.
At the risk of sounding like a perpetual victim, my life has transpired that I am alone (one married son who has his own issues & don't want to burden him); sibling dynamics are poor due to appalling parents (thankfully deceased); have struggled to make friends all my life; lonely at times since retirement but perversely only want company on my terms (nice, warm, same hygiene standards etc) and the volunteering route (dog fostering, befriending, school volunteer) didn't pan out for a variety of reasons, further knocking a fragile confidence.
I am envious even of the bereavement when I read 'died after 40plus years married' (I managed 5 before he ran off with a friend whilst I was pregnant); jealous of the lovely childhoods most of you seem to have enjoyed with loving parents and close siblings - my closest brother died & my nephew won't reply to my contact, except grudgingly. I have yet to meet my new great-niece and my cards/gifts get no response .
Thank you for listening.

When you go out, leave a radio tuned to your favourite station on and a lamp on a timer that comes on when it gets dark - it takes the edge off coming in to an empty house. It's also a bit of a burglar deterrent.
Use whatever little practical bits help as you adjust - Teasmade, U3A, Cruse, an occasional wallow through the old photos when you are ready.
Be gentle and kind with yourself and let others be too. Your husband would not have wanted to be forgotten but he would not want you to be miserable either.

My heart goes out to you, my friend.

I am so sorry, GN is wonderful at listening and trying to help

Like old Meg I have no words ????

Polkasue I am so sorry; what a hard time you have had and are having! People sometimes say that bereavement gets easier over time...but I don't agree, you just learn to live with a new reality of what your life now is. Be kind to yourself, a year is nothing. But please also, don't make yourself the support for your precious family without allowing them to support you. Talking about a loved one who has died is all part of the process of acceptance that they have now gone, for you and for them. And sharing together about someone you all loved and who you are all missing is a good thing to do for all of you. You all need each other. You may not feel like joining new things yet, you will know when the time is right I am sure. As for the cup of tea, I really don't want this to sound facetious but my Mum found that having a Teasmade in her bedroom was as close as she could get to that loving action (for over 50 years) by my dad and in some strange way gave her comfort, as she sat in bed drinking it and thinking about him...it might be a small comfort to you too.

Wish I had the words to make you feel a bit less lost. I haven’t so here’s a bunch of ? instead. ?

“It has been said, ‘ time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity, covers them with scar tissue and lessens the pain. But it is never gone.”
Rose Kennedy.

So sorry. You have my prayers .

I think you mean this newatthis

www.cruse.org.uk/

polskasue I have no advice, I can’t begin to imagine the pain of your loss. Please keep coming on here, from my own experience, the support is wonderful.

May I add my good wishes to all the ladies on this thread who are battling with bereavement and lonliness. The pain is surely at its greatest during the first year, but there will come a time when you are feeling stronger, and you will feel better able to construct a life that brings more brightness to your days.
Hugs to you all.