Unthoughtful friend

Hello DottyDee, something similar to this happened to me. I was out with my daughter who is seriously overweight and I am a size ten. I was trying on clothes and complaining that the waisted dresses made my stomach look large. She actually burst into tears because she carries huge amounts on her stomach. I was utterly unaware of what I was saying and meant absolutely no reflection on her at all. I genuinely was only focused on getting a good fit for me, and also do actually worry about belly fat as I am quite slender elsewhere. Many cuddles and apologies later I think we both understood each other. I would imagine your friend doesnt in any way think badly of you, in the same way I dont think badly of my daughter. On the contrary, I greatly admire any efforts she makes to loose weight because I know how hard it is for her.

Welcome to GN!!
Well done for sticking to your weight loss regime, I know how hard it can be. I'm overweight too but recently have lost some (Not all) and was feeling quite good about myself until a GP, who hadn't seen me but was giving me test results over the phone, suggested I went to weight watchers!!!
I was very hurt.
I had someone I thought was a friend (had being the operative word) who said on more than one occasion that I'd be pretty if I lost some weight! She claimed not to mean it 'like that' but I'm not sure how else you could take it????
Maybe your friend doesn't realise her comments about herself may be having an affect on you? As others have suggested can you suggest you go walking together or some other exercise? I wish you well ?

Such? Weird auto correct. Should of course be us.

Dotty, you have had amazing results so far. Care to share your success tips with such?
In your situation I would just tell the friend that her figure looks great to you but it makes you feel depressed when she talks herself down as you have such a way to go. If she does it again simply remind her that you have explained before how her comments make you feel then look her straight in the eye and use the mumsnet Classic question "did you mean to be so rude?"

Welcome brave Dotty ~ it takes great courage to post about things close to our heart.

when we meet up she constantly talks about how much she want to lose weight and hates her 'flabby' bits

I'd personally find this a bit boring if a friend was so focussed on insensitively complaining about her body ~ especially so if I'd put in a lot of effort in changing mine.

Is this the only thing that bothers you about this friendship? Has she noticed and complimented you on your hard work at all? I'd be concerned she was having a sly dig at me to make herself feel good ~ that's not friendly at all.

Imagine,OP, that one of your closest friends dropped your acquaintance because of something you did not know you had said. How would you feel?

Why not say to your friend, ‘If you feel you are overweight, what must you think of me?’ She will be horrified and rush to explain herself. If after making your feelings of hurt clear she still continues to be tactless you can drop her.

Well done. DottyDee for loosing the stone, like you I have a lot of weight that I need to lose, it is not easy so well done on your achievements so far.
I too have a friend who is much smaller than me, she is one of the kindest people I know & she sometimes talks about her flabby bits - if only I was her size! I don't mention it as I know that she is not directing her comments at me in a critical manner.
I do however love Foxyloxy's take on the issue!
Keep up with your healthy eating DottyDee, do it for yourself and to improve your health and well being, ignore what anyone else thinks.

Eloethan I wouldn't think your remark as pointed. Most of us have certain styles of garments that are utterly unflattering on us, regardless of our size and we avoid them.

I recently used the exact words you used on a GN thread to describe how I look in anything with a belted waist and mentioned my size, which is on the small side. I have photos to prove how shapeless I look in belted clothes.

DD is currently making me a dress and described me as being a very peculiar shape below the waist, she is having to make all sorts of adjustments to account for me not seeming to have a waist, just ribs and hips that almost meet. I am that shape at any size or weight and anything that ties round my (non-existent) waist is about as unflattering as it comes.!

Sometimes that helps paddyann - I think coming off the diet then re-starting gives the metabolism a jolt.

(that's just my theory!)

I understand where you are,I've been on a diet to help with my herniated disc.Lost 2 stone without any problem but have been struggling to get the last half stone off.I see the doctor agian in October so its bothering me I wont have lost enough .

The problem with your friend could be that ,like me , she cant see how she looks when she sees herself in the mirror.I KNOW ,I've lost that weight ,I know I've dropped 2 sizes but I cant see it in the mirror.Honest ,all I see is the fat across my stomach and I'm obsessing about it .She may have issues with her body too,just because she looks slim to you doesn't mean she believes she is .Well done on your weight loss ,I'm having a couple of weeks off ,though eating sensibly,and hoping I'll kick start it again when I go back to the diet .

Foxyloxy I laughed!!

Weight loss is a hard thing to achieve so well done on that important stone you have lost! You know you can now!

Your pal was a bit thoughtless but probably not being unkind. I am overweight but have a friend who is more overweight than I am and I know she is also trying so hard to lose weight but sometimes you do say something, very innocently, and then realise it may have hit a nerve. I echo others thoughts about sharing your feelings with her.. maybe challenge her to a weight loss of x lbs over an agreed period of time to help one another achieve what you both want!

Know what you mean. Often bean poles, find their flab bits. Like you, I often felt it was a shout for their slim figure to be admired. I thought about it, and decided to go along. The bat wings (not) under the arms, would be wailed about, I would look suitably horrified, and suggest they used dumbbells each day, or the (non existent) spare tyre, I would suggest a girdle. It soon stopped.
You will get to your goal, if you do it for yourself, and no one else. It takes little steps, make it a way of life and enjoy.

isn't it strange the way we connect our value and self worth with a number on the scales.

Dotty Sorry you are feeling upset about this.

How someone feels about their body isn't always connected to how they actually look. It could be that your friend genuinely thinks she is flabby and unattractive (you can still be flabby even if you're of normal weight).

It is a insensitive of her but it's possible she isn't aware that what she says makes you feel bad about yourself.

I grumbled to a friend of mine that I'd been clothes shopping and "looked like a sack of potatoes" in the changing room mirror. She is larger than me and has been cutting down on food and gradually losing weight but now I'm thinking that it was insensitive of me to make such a remark.. However, though I now see from what you have said that that such remarks can be hurtful, I never intended to be unkind. Hopefully, neither did your friend.

As Granny knot says, perhaps if your friend makes this comment again when you are not in the company of other people you could tell her that it makes you feel upset about your own weight.

Anyway, give yourself a pat on the back for losing a stone and try to focus on the progress you have made. Don't try to rush it too much. It is said that when you lose weight gradually it is more likely to stay lost.

Dotty hi and welcome to GN. Depending on how well you know your friend, could you perhaps say (the next time she goes on about it) - "You worrying about your weight, makes someone like me feel awful!" with a sweet smile and she may get the hint.

Sometimes when we are self conscious about something DottyDee we imagine that others might be being deliberately insensitive. I am very self conscious about my hair ( or rather the lack of it ) and my sister goes on and on about her hairstyle, hair colour, texture etc. Sometimes I feel like saying “ oh shut up and be thankful you have plenty of it” but I know she doesn’t say it deliberately to hurt me ( it’s probably just me) but it really does hurt especially when she does it in company

Maybe it’s like this with your friend ?

I have put on quite a bit of weight recently but some friends think of me as skinny, I was underweight at one time. I don't think your friend is trying to upset you she just isn't feeling comfortable with how she is at present, I know the feeling.

Perhaps she doesn't see herself as you see her - slender.
Some people do have body dysmorphia.

I wonder if you could suggest that you both go for walks together to get some exercise?

Well I think you're doing brilliantly Dotty perhaps your friend thinks she is being encouraging in a sort of "All girls together" and "We all have problems with weight" way? I should make a w comments about how hard it is having so much to lose - she might take notice.

By most people's standards I would seem slim if weight was anything to go by but I know I am overweight because I see the fat that lurks under my clothes and I can feel the pressure on my bladder when my weight increases. Don't assume your friend is uncaring she too may genuinely be trying to loose weight for some health or body issue reason.

Good luck with your weight loss and well done for loosing a stone. I doubt she sees your weight as anything to think about. I often criticise my own weight but do not think twice about what others weigh or how they look.

DottyDee I think your friend is so busy thinking about herself, she probably doesn't give a thought to your size or ever think anything about it. Body hate is something many women are brought up to obsess about. It is completely irrational, but their fears and obsession have no outer eye.

So congratulations on losing a stone and for being so rational sensible and determined about your current plateau, perhaps take a week or two off it, but eat sensibly and then come back to it. I have found this works for me.

Do not bother with what you think your friend thinks, if she has said nothing to you, then she has probably never thought about it. I have known my best friend for 60 years. She has always been quite a bit larger than me, even as a 12 year old, and beyond observing it, I have never thought about it, and certainly never thought the less of her for it. I doubt your friend is any different.

If she’s a friend then I don’t think she’s deliberately trying to upset you. Why not join in with her and say you are struggling too and exchange hints and perhaps motivate each other.

For some people losing those last few pound, especially around your middle, can be hard too. Don’t take everything personally it’s probably not meant like that. You could always say ‘just imagine how I feel then, with all this flab I need to shift’, that might get you both singing off the same hymn sheet.