Jokes: Some Rude; Never Crude

(Don't like snide comments either, rufus!)
mcem, Oh Dear! What have I done wrong this time?

You've all heard the saying " I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure" (A Tommy Cooper favourite I believe)
I think they're clever. Another one I just missed, but I think I got the gist of it; "I used to think I was schizophrenic, but we're both OK with it now"

I did wonder whether the job he was applying was as a handyman . . .
Yes, it was! I am hopeless at telling jokes Elegran

I'll just laugh at everyone else's.

Well I 'm proudly 100% Scottish and don't get the donkey joke!
(Don't like snide comments either, rufus!)

Geordie phoned his mother in law and told her that her daughter had been rushed into the hospital and was about to give birth. His Mother In Law asked if she was dilated “ah I don’t know about her, cos she’s off her head on gas & air right now” Geordie replied, “but I am over the bloody moon” ?

An invisible man, married an invisible girl
Their children weren't much to look at either

I had to wait for gilly's explanation for all the Scottish jokes, despite the fact that DH worked in Glasgow for 16 years ?

I did wonder whether the job he was applying was as a handyman . . .

and I think I got my joke wrong!

Bugger, sorry about the typos in my last post!

A man (he was Irish, but I don't want to discriminate ) went to the building site and asked for a job.
'Great' said the foreman - can you do bricklaying?
'No' said the Irishman
'What about plastering?' asked the foreman
'No, not that either' said the man
'Well, are you any good at carpentry?'
'No, sorry'
'What about doing odd jobs?'
'Oh, can't do that either'
'What makes you think you're handy?' asked the foreman
'Oh, sure I am, I just live round the corner' said the Irishman

An E English man, a Scotsman and an Irish man were in a pub, toastie about their sons.

The English man said " My George will no doubt become Prime Minister, we called him George because he was born in St George's day. "

The Scotsman said, "well, our Andrew is all set to win the Highland Games, we called him Andrew because he was born in St Andrews day"

The Irishman could stand it no longer, and jumped up and said "Just wait until I tell you about my boy Pancake!"

Mr. A. needed a new suit so went to the tailor and got measured. When he went for a fitting it didn't hang very well.
"Never mind" said the tailor. " Just lift your right shoulder - alittle tuck here. Lift your left knee - shorten the hem there - it's fine!"
Mr. A. went to pick up his suit and wore it the next day, hobbling along.
Over the road two old friends looked at him -
"Poor old A - he's not looking good. But he's got b....y good tailor!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman set up in business as furniture removal men. On their first job when the householder saw the Englishman and the Scotsman struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked them, 'Where is the Irishman?'

'Oh, he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.'

Ohhh! Now I get it! Thanks!

The coo has a week aff, Polly.

I don't get Elegrans joke about the cows. I needed the glasgow baker joke translated (thanks!) because I was trying to say chelsea bun in a glasgow accent! I did get the wee cart one though. Rather proud!

Elegran ...loved that one!

A man with a dog went into a pub and said to the landord “see this dog? Well he doesn’t look like it but he is the cleverest dog you will see.” “How is he clever” asked the pub landlord? “Well” said the man, “this dog is a blacksmith” “you can’t be serious” said the publican, “a dog can’t be a blacksmith!” “I can prove it!” Said the owner;” come with us now”
The dog, the owner and the pub landlord left the pub and walked up the lane out of the village until they came to a cottage, the dog’s owner led the man to a shed at the end of the garden and they all went in side the shed and then the dog made a bolt for the door!

An English man, and Irish man, and a Scots man walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A piece of rope went into a bar.
The barman said "Get out, we don't serve your type in here".
The piece of rope went round the corner, tied himself in half and messed up one of his ends.
When he walked back in the bar, the barman said "Aren't you that piece of rope I just told to get out?"
"No, I'm afraid not!"

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call; they like to stay out all night and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Geordie’s parrot would not stop swearing and one day in a fit of temper he put it in the freezer and told it that it was not getting out until it stopped using foul language. When the swearing eventually stopped, Geordie opened the freezer and the parrot said, “Alreet man, a’l stop swearing, but a have one question, … what the hell did the turkey do?” ?

Larissa67 Got that one ?

Thanks for explaining the bakers joke??‍♀️?