Jokes: Some Rude; Never Crude

The coo has a week aff, Polly.

Ohhh! Now I get it! Thanks!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman set up in business as furniture removal men. On their first job when the householder saw the Englishman and the Scotsman struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked them, 'Where is the Irishman?'

'Oh, he's in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling.'

Mr. A. needed a new suit so went to the tailor and got measured. When he went for a fitting it didn't hang very well.
"Never mind" said the tailor. " Just lift your right shoulder - alittle tuck here. Lift your left knee - shorten the hem there - it's fine!"
Mr. A. went to pick up his suit and wore it the next day, hobbling along.
Over the road two old friends looked at him -
"Poor old A - he's not looking good. But he's got b....y good tailor!"

An E English man, a Scotsman and an Irish man were in a pub, toastie about their sons.

The English man said " My George will no doubt become Prime Minister, we called him George because he was born in St George's day. "

The Scotsman said, "well, our Andrew is all set to win the Highland Games, we called him Andrew because he was born in St Andrews day"

The Irishman could stand it no longer, and jumped up and said "Just wait until I tell you about my boy Pancake!"

A man (he was Irish, but I don't want to discriminate ) went to the building site and asked for a job.
'Great' said the foreman - can you do bricklaying?
'No' said the Irishman
'What about plastering?' asked the foreman
'No, not that either' said the man
'Well, are you any good at carpentry?'
'No, sorry'
'What about doing odd jobs?'
'Oh, can't do that either'
'What makes you think you're handy?' asked the foreman
'Oh, sure I am, I just live round the corner' said the Irishman

Bugger, sorry about the typos in my last post!

and I think I got my joke wrong!

I did wonder whether the job he was applying was as a handyman . . .

I had to wait for gilly's explanation for all the Scottish jokes, despite the fact that DH worked in Glasgow for 16 years ?

An invisible man, married an invisible girl
Their children weren't much to look at either

Geordie phoned his mother in law and told her that her daughter had been rushed into the hospital and was about to give birth. His Mother In Law asked if she was dilated “ah I don’t know about her, cos she’s off her head on gas & air right now” Geordie replied, “but I am over the bloody moon” ?

Well I 'm proudly 100% Scottish and don't get the donkey joke!
(Don't like snide comments either, rufus!)

I did wonder whether the job he was applying was as a handyman . . .
Yes, it was! I am hopeless at telling jokes Elegran

I'll just laugh at everyone else's.

You've all heard the saying " I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure" (A Tommy Cooper favourite I believe)
I think they're clever. Another one I just missed, but I think I got the gist of it; "I used to think I was schizophrenic, but we're both OK with it now"

(Don't like snide comments either, rufus!)
mcem, Oh Dear! What have I done wrong this time?

mcem I cant even find the donkey joke!

Just don't know why it's ok to say you aren't Scottish (thankfully!)
Why did that seem appropriate?

bella
"What do you buy a man with a weak heart? Ans "a wee donkey".
The "translation" only works if it's read as "a weak 'eart"".
But it doesn't work because most Scottish accents wouldn't drop the h!
However the "wee calf" works beautifully.

Oh for goodness sake.

Just don't know why it's ok to say you aren't Scottish (thankfully!)
mcem; Because they're always going into pubs with a "Welshman" and an "Irishman" and cracking stupid jokes!, whereas I'm an Englishman!

Scientists say the Universe is made up of

Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.
They forgot to mention Morons!

Rufus.

If at first you don't succeed, bomb de-fusal is not for you.!

5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.

Thanks mcem ?

I’m not Scottish but I got the donkey joke straight away. Being from Yorkshire helps!. (Do I get a prize?).