Struggling

I know it hurts when your child is hurt believe me I've suffered the same with two of my daughters. Again believe me when I say you or her won't feel this hurt for ever. All you can do is be there for her, your support is irreplaceable. It should not be the end of your hopes and dreams of more grandchildren, if she's young, as you say she is, she will more than likely begin a relationship with someone who will love and respect her more than the one who has deserted her. I'm sure you'll eventually see what a lucky escape she had.

Paddyann. It must be of comfort to know that DD has found happiness.
To each his own but accepting a hug and a' how much he misses you' from x SIL after what he put your DD and GC through then you are more forgiving than I could ever be. Our x SIL we found out was a verbal bully to DD, even more upsetting,to our beautiful GD. He was courteous and respectful when in the company of myself and DH but as far as we were concerned on learning of his behaviour behind closed doors we would neither forgive or forget.

Dear knickas63, I am sorry to hear of the difficult situation but please hold on to the idea that "all things must pass" and that you will get through this (as will DD and GD). It's been said that we can never truly know happiness until we've known pain. Give it time (time to grieve, as has wisely been said here by OPs).
Things will get better. In the meantime try to find some joy and happiness in every day - sometimes this will come from simply being with your family. Clearly you are a supportive Gran - and we know that Grans can be bring about happiness in lots of small but wonderful ways.

My daughter has an 'idiot' aswell. He comes and goes as suits him, normally when he's blown his money on drugs etc.
My dd takes him back.....
It's infuriating to me, I don't understand why! But adults have to conduct their lives as they will and all we can do is catch them when they fall.
Some people are inherently selfish, no thought for kids being left in their wake.. It's up to the remaining parent and other family (if they're lucky enough to have that support) to hold them up and give them every bit of love possible.
You sound like an amazing and caring lady, your family will get through this tough time with you by their side Knickas63 ❤

If I can mend or do something about a situation, any situation, then I do it. If I can't, I don't worry.

Picking over my comments like vultures over a carcass......if you disagree with me that's fine, we all have the right to our views and each are valid to the writer.
I'm never going to be a tea and sympathy person.

If ifs and ans were pots and pans ...as my mum says ( ad nauseam! )

two are suffering to no advantage Easier said than done Gabrielle if your child’s unhappy you can’t be anything but unhappy too but it sounds as if the daughter is doing well so I think Knickas has to be supportive for the future and nor dwell on what might have been

Chewbacca
Point taken. It's just me. I'm not the sort to get weighed down with other people's problems, no matter how close to home those problems may be. Me worrying as well, will not save, solve or repair anything. That's why I'm cool in a crisis, can fully empathise but not get emotionally upset myself as that would be of no help and of course, I wish the OP and her daughter the best possible outcome for the whole family.
I was not suggesting that the OP should be happy in her daughter's sadness, rather that saying one cannot be happy until the other person is, means that two are suffering to no advantage.

A couple of comments are a Bit harsh ...OP looking for words of comfort ..most mothers feel their daughters pain.. I have a similar thing going on with mine.. and most mothers only can be truly happy when their children are ..fact...Most mothers I said...

The OP made it clear that she just needs a sympathetic ear - not a lecture or harsh comments.

Easy words to say Gabriella but far harder to live them when you see your family hurt and in pain. I'd rather suffer the pain myself than see my DC hurt, no matter what age or stage of life they're at.

The Grandchild thing is just a sadness, but not actually that deeply important! It was just part of the overall sadness at the loss of expectations.

GabriellaG- of course the unhappiness of those close to us hurts. And I don’t think knickas is over- empathising. And I don’t think her mourning what might have been is excessive either. I imagine she wrote this on gransnet hoping for some sympathetic and kind words. She doesnt need a lecture.

Gosh, some difficult stuff going on here for people.

I feel for my adult children but I also try to protect myself.

If you are a kind, empathic person you can become totally overwhelmed.

The young couples who are splitting up....it is terrible sad. I expect although it may not seem like it, given time they will recover.

I can truely feel for you in everything you are going. Through except the grandchild thing To place so much of your future happiness on the fact you may or may not have another grandchild and that your present grandchild won’t have a full sibling or one close in age is really getting far too deeply entwined in your daughters business
We can never know or need to know if tour children will chose to have children or no children at all or how they space their family it’s just not our business

I can understand you mourning the loss of the relationship like many others I have one daughter with a son in law who died and one now separated after 16 years My son seems fine Life is very rarely as you want it to be either for ourselves or our children all we can do is be there IF wanted
It sounds as if your daughter is doing well and has plenty of support so be glad you can be there to help and don’t waste your tears on the future which none of us have any control over

I think it’s true that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.

Gabriella G - How can a parent be happy when their child is suffering?
She is doing really well so far, and I am proud of her, and she is getting a lot of love and support from us (her family) and friends. I miss him too, but I know that in the long run she is better of without him. He is seriously immature and if he attempts to come back this time - as he has done before it would be more of the same. SO I hope she can be strong. As for the grandchild thing -it is the loss of possibilities - mourning for what can now never be. We adore our granddaughter - she is an absolute delight, and we have often wondered what her sibling would be like. They were trying for a sibling for a while, but my DD was offered a new job and it was prudent to put it on hold for a while - just as well, but I am sad she wont have a full sibling, and may have to wait years for one. I would have loved her to have a brother or sister reasonably close in age to bond with. I know all will be well in the end - but the process of getting there will not be easy. Thank you for the support.

My daughter and her husband are going through this as I type. They have tried 'bird-nest' parenting for two and a half years .....they have just fallen out of love ... they both say.' Bird - nesting' worked until my daughter found a new partner and now it's not working. They are professional and competent people and will no doubt work it out. Neither wants divorce as neither has any intention of ever re-marrying ( thank goodness).... and both will have equal access to the children. All this they have decided between them. They just NEED to live apart now. What has been forgotten is our ( me and her dad) hurt . Not so much my husband who is quite an U empathic personality... but I am suffering terribly... I love my SIL if not as much as my own son then very nearly. And also I made his dying mother 10 years ago that I would always treat him as one of my own. I cry buckets at the thought of not seeing him...and how much I'm going to miss his easy going affability. I love him dearly.Hes the third child I always wanted but never had! My daughter understands I think and has no objection to me havin a relationship with him in the future. But once they split finially how on earth will this be achieved! I'm shattered by it all.

That should say split, not "All it" above.

Its loss and living grief! We felt it when our daughter All it from my partner of 8 years. She was devastated. So where we. I/we loved him dearly.

I couldn't tell her I was devastated too as she probably wouldn't have got it and it would have caused her further concerns.

Allow yourself to grieve. Its normal

I can relate to this. My daughter's husband left their home last week. They have a little girl and a baby boy. My daughter had to ask him to leave because he was so nasty to her. We are so upset. This man has been part of our family for eight years. We had no idea he was treating our daughter badly and playing mind games. As well as worrying about our daughter we are worrying about his state of mind. He is posting stuff about suicide on facebook.

If you depend on some other person for your own happiness, what does that say about you?
I can certainly empathise with friends or family if they are having a hard time but not to the extent that I live my life and colour my moods according to their degree of happiness or sadness.
It's early days in the recent broken engagement of the OP's daughter but, to talk of the fact that they were looking forward to a second grandchild and that it might be a long time before her daughter meets another partner and thus has more children, is faintly bewildering.
An odd thing to think when a break up occurs, at least, I think so.
Stuff happens and emotions will settle. Mum needs to be supportive but not live in her daughter's shoes.

Sounds like she is better off without him. But it must be terribly upsetting for you all. Only thing I can say is that time helps. And she is still young and will I'm sure have a great life some time in the future with a new partner and more children. Till then just continue to support and help her all you can. In the long run her ex will be the loser. But make sure she is getting fair support for the child via the CSA.

My heart goes out to the OP and all the other lovely Grans who have or are dealing with great pain for their adult children and grandchildren. Haven't experienced this particular pain but have experienced an adult child dealing with a dreadful diagnosis for their child and so sympathise with the feeling of helpless love and grief to see our child suffering. Ten fold. Don't have any easy answers just the age old stuff, be there, practical support, put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and just sheer bloody courage. ?