Childish husband/grandparent

I dont agree that we can assume the silences are sulking or being needy.

Imagine if this conversation were written by a man and the woman was quiet, it would gain a different response.

Perhaps he doesn't feel so good?

Sue You 2 have a lot of retirement in front of you, so now is a good time to make a timetable of your week, his/hers/ours.
Alternatively offer to go to football with him so the 2 of you can share (football has always been a big bond in our family) and maybe it will promote a change of perspective in him! (He won't take you up on it!!!)

My H refers to our darling grandchildren as 'them kids!'..i.e "are them kids coming again"....

I do think it is important to establish what it is that he wants you to do with the time you spend with your GC. Does he want to carry on with whatever he is doing and just know you are around? - or does he want the two of you to do things together?

Is it that he simply feels unable to relax with the GC around? Could you therefore look after them at their home?

Or is it that he just wants you to himself ready to wait on him?!

He does sound very needy and most people grow out of sulking in older age, which is essentially what long silences are. Thank goodness my DH loves seeing the grandchildren but I have noticed he runs out of patience much sooner than he used to when we had the first two grandchildren over 20 years ago. You should have a heart to heart with him and reach a compromise.

Chat to him by all means .... but it’s equally important for you both to be able to do things that bring you pleasure even if that means being apart at times. If he wants to sit home and sulk while you have fun with GC’s , let him get on with it !! Don’t start feeling guilty and def do not change who you are for anyone.

What would your OH be doing if you weren’t involved with grandchildren? If he would still be welded to his computer, only leaving for football, then I don’t think he can reasonably object to you doing something else.

On the other hand, if he is wanting to go out with you, having to be back in time to be outside a school for 3pm doesn’t give you that much of a day.

Do you think there might some jealousy as it sounds like he is needy if he wants your company why doesn't he get involved in the childcare and outings stella1949 seems to have good advice basically if you allow this sulking it will carry on

Ok your involved with gc but can’t you make time to go out together another day, have a meal somewhere or a coffee and lunch a walk I think it sounds as if your letting the gc take over your life and if he’s off somewhere then you need to make time for one another. .

That's it in a nut shell FarNorth.

"Any idea how to resolve these long silences."

Ask him to have a calm discussion with you. Be prepared to take his views seriously and to consider changing your attitude to childcare commitments.

If he won't discuss, though, then stop thinking about his sulking and get on with what you want to do.

Is he OK? Does he feel well?

Eglantine

I choose to be a hands on grandparent.
That's what you choose SueG - is your DH childish because it is not what he chooses to do in his retirement?

As Madgran says, you need to find a compromise - where you can fulfil your dreams of childcare, he can watch his football and you can both find time to go out or away on holiday together.

The point isn't really about your childcare commitments/ his football hobby. The point is reaching a compromise that suits both of you about what you want to do in retirement! Only you two can do that and what suits you might not suit everyone else, just as others solutions might not suit you.

My childcare in term time consists of collecting my grandson from school on three days at 3pm. The rest of the day is to do what we wish as is Monday and Tuesday. Saturday and Sunday. Only on a Friday will I have my 2 year old grandchild. But every other week my H. Will travel on a Friday to his football destination and come back on Monday. But I say this is his hobby and am happy he does this.

Yes EglantineI agree with you. It is not unreasonable of him to expect you to do things together now you are retired., after all you did marry him. The gc children are their parents responsibility and I think it’s fair to help out on an ad hoc basis but doing what you are doing, a big no.

I think I’d dump anyone who had organised four days of childcare a week and more in the school holidays and thought I should be joining in.
You wouldn’t see me for dust!

I’d dump him.

I think you’re a bit unfair to call him childish just because he doesn’t want to do what you want to do. You could equally say you’re being childish to have things your way and expect him to go along with it.

I don’t know what else to say really except neither of you sound like people that work together as a partnership or make compromises.

No solution really is there?

My Ex thought days off and retirement would be spent together, his idea of together and mine were wildly different. He'd spend his days off watching crap tv while I did all the DIY, gardening, housework etc. He'd do the shopping with me because I can't walk unaided and that was it. I had no intention of spending all day every day doing that and told him so. I'd already taken early retirement and he thought the best solution was to divorce and tbh I couldn't come up with a single reason to disagree. I'm so much happier on my own, of course I still do everything but no longer resent someone sitting on their backside leaving me to get on with it and on line shopping replaced his contribution to our lives. I thought I'd miss his income which was rather good but it sees he must have been spending that on himself because here I am in the same house, paying the same bills and don't have any money worries and can spend what I want on what I want without someone saying "HOW MUCH" lol this is much more my idea of retirement. I think I should be able to find something I miss but I truly can't and that speaks volumes.

Well, I suppose for every hands on grandparent, there are others who choose not to be.
Its the 'expectations' issue again.

Mine gets involved with my 2 dgc when they visit (they live nearby). He man's the bbq, takes charge of the marble mountain and helps build the Lego and Scalextric, and clears up afterwards. We only tend to have them here once a week though. I don't know that he could cope with more.

I'm in a similar situation - 2nd marriage and all the GC are "mine" from my first marriage. He has 3 AC but they have no children.

I spend part of every day with my sons's children, taking them to and from school . I also spend Fridays with my daughter's children after school and in the evening. During the school holidays we often have grandchildren here all the time. I love every minute of it.

This has been my life for the last 3 years, since my son became a single father. Before that DH and I had 10 years together , blissfully retired, travelling, doing all the nice things we'd dreamed of . At first when the "child care " started he was absolutely aghast....I'd say that we came close to splitting up at that point. With three sons living 1,000km away and no GC he just wasn't prepared for any of this, and he didn't want to share our time together with these little people.

I handled his sulking very bluntly - I told him that these children are his grandchildren as much as they are mine, and that if he wanted to be with me he'd better pull his finger out and start acting like a grandfather instead of a sulky child. I made it very clear that if it came to a choice between my blood family and him, I'd leave in a minute. I told him to get off his computer and start actually doing things with them, "or else". He did, and now 3 years down the track he is a much loved granddad who spends almost as much time with them as I do.

If you let your DH sit on his computer / go off to the football and ignore the GC, he'll keep on doing it. Men don't change unless they have a reason to - stop giving him the choice of whether he joins in or not. Otherwise years will go by and he'll stay the same. Don't let him get away with it or you'll drift apart . Good luck to you.

Did you speak to him before you committed you both to the childcare?

Maybe he thought that retirement meant going out or away together, not looking after children all over again.

I don’t think he sounds childish, maybe he wanted to whisk you off on long holidays?

Hi Terri. His hobby is football or playing solutaireon the computer. I ask him to join us on days out only to be told you go. My daughter was not fortunate enough to have grandparents in her life as they died very young. I share my time and try to keep everyone happy. Our grandchildren love to hug my leg and say thank you for a lovely day out.