Christmas! AIBU?

My lovely ĐD has fone Christmas at her house for the last 4 years, the largest number was eight adults and seven children. We all live reasonably close so we all drive there and cab home! She does a fantastic job, however this year she and her family are going to stay with her best friend in Australia. I will therefore do Christmas for DHs daughter and family, hopefully his DS and DGS and my DS. As we only have a small house we can only accommodate his DS and DGS. His daughter and famil can stay in a nearby hotel. I hope I can remember how to do it all!

For the rest, I truly dont get it. The spending, the landfill, the fake sentimentality.

Then the hangover and everybody is back to normal on the 27th.

Not raining on a parade?

Find another date to have a special 'family time', then you and OH can have a lovely quiet Christmas or perhaps go on a cruise to somewhere warm.

If they are going every year to the same side, then yes I feel that is unfair. If they are spending Christmas Day as a nuclear family and then see extended family on other days I feel that would be fair, but that does not seem to be the case. Any change needs to come from your AC, but if he is too fearful of making waves you might be out of luck. You asking or making a demand for Christmas to be split fairly will most likely do more harm than good and might result in losing holidays all together. I’m sorry you find yourself in this position.

I’m not sure what you do currently for Christmas, but parents have turned Christmas Day into a mix of friends and family that don’t have places to go, breakfast and a game called ‘white elephant’ makes for a grand time. Maybe try doing something like this to make the day enjoyable for you and your husband rather than a day of sadness.

How very rude you are.

I have not rained on anyones parade. We have tried and succeeded to have a nice times, although a bit shambolic by some peoples standards, it works for us.

Why is saying " I'm not keen on Christmas" raining on a parade?

If I said " I'm not keen on the 25th of March" would I receive the same answer.

If you are a Christian or wish to cosy up with your family and enjoy, good luck to you.

I dislike the massive amount of overspending, the expectations which cannot be matched and the faux sentimentality of it.

Many people become ill or stressed at Christmas.

If you have terrible memories then that is likely to ruin theseason for you for life and obviously you say so, but there is a difference in saying you do not like something and why, and raining on other people's parades just because you do not enjoy them.

It really isnt feasible to ignore it and I dont think I suggested it?

We manage it as best we can but its not my favourite time of the year. I dont see why it should be to be honest. I prefer an ordinary day with it routines and regularity or a trip to the seaside or the hills. I dont enjoy the dark.

Plus it holds many terrible memories for me.

As an aside, I have a friend who volunteers with various charities at Christmas. They are full and have waiting lists of people who want to help out.

It's just another day. Life moves on and Christmasses change - we have to accept that.

One of my DDs organises a big Christmas every year, which we all enjoy; but I have to say that I would be quite happy to spend it on my own and see her have a rest for once!!!

oldbatty, you are suggesting that the only alternative to an an over-indulgent wasteful Christmas is ignoring it all together. Hence the Scrooge comparison,

In fact many people enjoy Christmas without being wasteful, or being sucked in by the commercialisation and what is wrong with an occasional period of indulgence?

oldbatty I dislike the over commercialisation of everything & not just Christmas. The worship of Mammon does drive the world but we can choose to reject that if we want to. Big business has controlled us all ..I know people think they are unaffected but those businesses are powerful!

Each year in our family we have reduced what /how we "do" Christmas: gifts only for children, food in moderation but special, relaxed about the day itself, special activities etc etc. Don't compare with others!

I wondered how long it would be before Scrooge came out. Just because I am massively uncomfortable with waste and indulgence when others have nothing, does not make me Scrooge. We have an OK time at Christmas, that's it.

oldbatty Christmas is only as you describe if you think or want it to be so. Christmas for me is a family festival when we, as a family have a lovely time together around the structure of Christmas festivities. It is a festival that is what people make it. Some do fill it with fake sentimentality, excessive expenditure and excessive waste, but that is neither compulsory, nor inevitable.

Christmas is whatever you choose to make it. If you want to be celebrate the event by being Scrooge, why not? It is all part of the Christmas tradition.

if you are a Christian and believe you are celebrating the birth of Jesus, it must be wonderful.

For the rest, I truly dont get it. The spending, the landfill, the fake sentimentality.

Then the hangover and everybody is back to normal on the 27th.

OP, we cannot go backwards.

As I get older my expectations for Christmas reduce! One DD has no in laws so is always with us, the other alternated Xmas Day /Boxing day. But I can understand if it has been a long time since everyone was around the same table it is lovely to do that if possible (and still have everyone happy!) I hope you have a happy Christmas Tuppence

Blinko, we have a daughter and a son. Both come with their respective partners. All in-laws are dead, so a small gathering, now, but in the past my sister (no longer with us) and I took it in turns to host 14 persons. We have friends round for drinks and nibbles, but they don't sleep over, so accommodation is not a problem. In my previous post I did say that we managed to sleep 14 in a three bed semi and managed. I admit it is a lot easier now, but if all were still alive they would be welcome and we would still manage, although the house is much bigger, so accommodation wouldn't be a concern. Our children are not forced to come to us for Christmas, they just love it when the whole family gets together. They both work, so it is much easier for my wife and I to host Christmas and we love doing it. Christmas, for us, is family time and our family wouldn't have it any other way. However, I respect everybody else's choice to do what they like to do, at that special time of year.

My pregnant dd1 spent her last Christmas before having her first baby here with us. Her then partner (now dh) went to his own family who lived too far away to see very often.

I was very much (and rather sadly) aware at the time that it was probably the last such family Christmas here with both dds, and so it has proved - there are now two very little Gdcs.

Life moves on, and new families want to make their own traditions, just as we did.

However we still enjoy the day - usually still with one or both dds, wherever it may be.

I am determined never to to be like someone I know, who, having 'done' family Christmases for decades, threw a major strop and sulk when a dd with late teenage dcs finally said they'd like to spend Christmas in their own home for once.
So very U, IMO.

Tuppence21, why don't you just ask them straight out?

Tell you what, we spend Christmas running away from people! Last year we were very mean and pretended to be away for Christmas Day, we were going away - but for New Year's Eve - so we had to lie low for about a week!

We did this because I didn't want my mother staying over, as she has done for the last 20 years. I felt it wasn't appreciated and I was worried about her falling ill (as she does, frequently) and I can't cope with that anymore. We also have a disabled adult child who lives with us. There are other siblings who were able to take over, and it worked out well for all.

Time for us now, before we get too old to make a change!

Highly unreasonable! I expect they have in-laws who would like it too.
Once I had children we stayed at home and people had to come to us. The older they get the more children want to stay in their own home.
You have been lucky and had you family Chrismases- accept they won't be the same.
Have a lovely Boxing Day with them.
Certainly don't even think about it in August!

I have not had my grandkids on Christmas day, but before or afterwards. It's just a day. My daughter is a nurse and she does shift work so she is sometimes working

My grandchildrens cousins live abroad and they see far less of their grandmother than I see of my two.
I think it is good for all the cousins to be able to get together for Christmas. (DDs MIL lives around the corner .)
We are 50 miles away but get to see our GCs about every two weeks.
We have Christmas with our grandsons at our house when we can. It is just a day I am not that concerned as long as I see them.

If/when our son marries well make it clear he has no obligation whatsoever to us at Christmas, either visiting or having. DH and I separated to different parts of Ireland each year including our 1st after marrying. Our DM's were elderly widows on their own. Much unhappiness with mine 're arrangements that last time so after we stayed here. I did feel guilt as she then went to a half-sister (brought up up from aged 5, like her own)but she didnt really enjoy it. Noisy,boozy, etc it was just the day and needing to do something. Such expectation. She felt she should go, they felt they should have her. Unlike a spontaneous occasion. (Volunteer to stay sober required for lift home too...)
We live quiet lives and don't like the whole Christmas blow out

Seeing your family on Boxing Day sounds like a dream to me. Enjoy it! I am coming to dread having to drive 200-300 miles for a 2 night stay sometime between November and February, possibly twice if DSs can't agree a date.

Both my daughters and 4 grandchildren live in the. U,S and. Oz Tuppence 21
I haven't had them all together for over 6 years and I haven't spent Christmas with them all together for years.
I go visit them individually, but getting them together is very difficult and I hope in the future It will happen

I used to dread Christmas and get terribly upset, but I have now learnt to make the most of it, even though it isn't the same spending it with sister and family, but before you know it Xmas is over.
Just think how lucky you are to have your families around you for Christmas, even if it is only one day, like BYoxing Day.
So many of us are seperated from our DC and DGC by many miles.
Enjoy what time you have
With them

grannyben. How much better it would be if they stayed at home for Christmas and entertained you and the in-laws in alternate years.

My eldest daughter last woke up on Christmas morning, in my home, in 2014. I very much doubt she ever will again. Her Christmases are now spent with her partner's family 200 miles away. In an ideal world, they would spend one year with his family and the next with hers but he is very inflexible and it's not going to happen.
There is no point in me getting upset over it. She makes the effort to see me regularly and I'm sure, in her heart, she would sometimes love to be with me but it would cause problems and I don't want that for her.

As long as I see my children and grandchildren sometime close to xmas, that's Christmas day for me.