Christmas! AIBU?

My son always has to spend Christmas with his wife’s family. Either at their house, her mum’s house or her sister’s house. These are all 60 miles from us but if we want to see them we have to travel and feel like spare parts. My daughter is better, she tries to alternate as her in-laws live hundreds of miles away. I was only talking the other about Christmas with my sister, we both dread it.

IMO it depends a lot on how old your grandchildren are, if they are still babies or toddlers, they will be best in their own homes. If older, then if you want the whole family at your place on Christmas Day, invite them NOW, telling them much what you have told us.

But, do be clear on one thing: cooking Christmas Dinner for a two grown-up children plus their spouses and how many children? is a lot of work, expensive too, and if any of them have to stay the night, do you have beds enough, bedding, towels, etc? And preferably bedrooms too, because although we have a sitting-room and what we fondly call the library, son and DIL sleeping in the library and GS in my office, meant the sitting -room was out of commission until late forenoon!

Oh dear, Christmas already! We’ll go with the flow as like so many other families it seems, the ‘other’ granny will throw the proverbial bossy hissy fit if she and the other granddad don’t get their way. BUT ... we still enjoy it, it is just one day and we can enjoy other days with the young young couple and the dgc at other times when the bossy granny is on holiday and out of the country! ?

My personal opinion is that children should spend Christmas Day in their own home (which may be alternating if divorced parents), and once a couple live together it starts then. I really resent the emotional blackmail the older generation put on young couples (with or without children) having witnessed this at close quarters when I was younger, and now my children are at that stage.

Since he has been with his gf my son had never spent Christmas Eve Christmas Day or Boxing Day with us - they live 20 mls away his gf has a big family and they visit them on all 3 days - every year we invite them but always politely refused DD lives in Australia never spent Christmas with her or the grandchildren we can’t afford to go out there at Christmas- so I would be glad just to have one lot!!

My sister and I used to fantasize about making our fortunes with a board game based on Christmas....chance cards of getting lumbered with the awkward relations....turkey not thawed....child getting chicken pox on Christmas eve...trains cancelled....power cut....desirable and undesirable presents...etc etc. Mostly based on our experiences over the years

We are fortunate in that our children take turns with in laws for Christmas. I accept that one day they will want to stay at home with their children and that's very understandable. However , I too would feel upset if they had spent every Christmas with inlaws and never with us , so I don't think you Abu

As long as your invitation is there let people make their own minds up who they wish to spend xmas with. My now divorced eldest always put her H's family before her own. Not a lot we could do but accept it although it did hurt.

For many years we had Christmas Day at my parents-in-law's home; a wonderful time of fun and frolics with our young children. Then as the children grew we hosted the day here and my parents-in-law usually joined us. Now the children are mostly married we've sometimes had quieter Christmases at home or spent the day with one or other of our children. I'm not too bothered where we spend the actual day as long as sometime over the holiday period we are able to be together.
This year there will be three little grandchildren joining us for their first family Christmas and what I really am excited about is having my grandchildren together - but also there will be a sadness that one little granddaughter will be thousands of miles away in New Zealand.

How my Christmases have changed, when I 1st met DH I hosted my Parents, DD & DH's 2 DC. Along came DD's now DH, she started going to her Pil as he was an only child.

Eventually my DD & DH's S left home so for a few years just us two & my Parents. I always hosted a big Party on Boxing Day until 1st DGS was almost 2 when Step-D took over Boxing Day. Eventually my Mum decided the drive from Yorkshire to Surrey was too much & DH & I had a few years of Christmas Day at home alone.

When we moved to Somerset (very end of November) I managed to get a table at a local Hotel, we had a fantastic time. So the following year I booked again & DM was coming down by Coach, sadly DH was taken into Hospital in the middle of November but DM & I went out for Christmas Day Lunch.

All changed again the following year as I was now Widowed, DD refused to let me spend Christmas on my own, the magic of a very excited 3 year old DGS whispering outside my bedroom door at 5.30 "Nanny are you awake?". I now live in Devon about 10 miles fro DD & her family, I arrive about 10, another friend (on her own) arrives about 11.00. We open presents (ours before friend arrives), have a lovely Lunch & leave about 3.00. Quiet evening with all my favourite treats & tv programmes.

I visit my DM in November for our early Christmas, DM spends Christmas Day on her own & indulges herself in all her favourite foods & treats.

I have loved all the varieties of Christmas throughout my life, decorations go up at the beginning of December

I made a point of telling everyone concerned that once I was in my own home I was spending Christmas day there. I was not going anywhere and not only that I was not having guests either. I stuck to that throughout and it worked well. My kids grew up with this and know I have no expectations of them on Christmas day at all. They are free to come to me as I don't count them as guests and most years they've put in an appearance at some time during the day, usually for dinner but it's really up to them. I hate the competition between in laws and would never be a party to it.

I'm another 'go with the flow'. There's so much pressure on people - often self inflicted - over this. I'm happy in the full swing of things but I'm decidedly content on my own too. For the latter, I appreciate having just a call from my C if that's possible for them amidst their undoubted chaos. In general I find it a rather heartwarming season though.

After so many different Christmasses over the years I've just accepted that whatever kind it is we just go with it. My family came over from NZ last year for 6 weeks but we didn't see my other son who lives 2 hours away until 3 days later. Gone are the family times we used to share and this year we may well be on our own again as we have been in previous years. I will just be happy if my eldest is in a better place as he is going through a dreadful time at the moment!

I would just ask your family if they would like to join you this year to have a rest from the cooking but don't be too upset if they want to keep to their own routines.

Empathy as usual mabon

For goodness sake it's only one day.

Having nursed many people who knew they were not going to reach the next Christmas I learned it can be whenever you /they choose - apart from the religious side. How about setting a weekend which is your 'Christmas' with them and it becomes an accepted fixture in the calendar?

It's only a day. If it's not possible to alternate Xmas Day or some other arrangement then pick another day that works for the various family members and make it your special family day.

Tuppence - there must be plenty of people who would be very happy to see their adult children on Boxing Day every year. Just do the things you want to do with them then and try not to see Christmas Day as 'the big day'. And you certainly shouldn't be 'beginning to dread it' 5 months in advance.
I do think you are being unreasonable.

DH's travel anxiety means a three hour journey to stay with DD2 and her family piles on the stress for me. Last year the journey down was fine but we drove back in a blizzard and I had to try to tune out his shouting at other drivers on a packed M25. It's pointless threatening to make him get out and walk - it only shuts him up for about five minutes

This year we're staying at home. DD1 and her sons will be at home (next door) so we will have Christmas dinner with them but she has a new boyfriend and when he visits they keep very much to themselves. I suspect we will be waved goodbye early evening to totter off down the garden and spend the rest of the day in front of the telly enjoying a drink or two and all the choccies!

Actually, that doesn't sound too bad although we'll miss the fun and games with DD2 and her lot.

YANBU Tuppence. I too wish we could resurrect the past but it ain't gonna happen.

When our elder daughter moved away she always returned for Christmas. When she married and had children, we said that we would be very happy for her to spend Christmas at their home or with her in-laws who live near them. Well, in 14 years they have had one Christmas with the in-laws, who aren't really into Christmas in the same way as we are, one at their own home, entertaining the in-laws and all the rest with us. (We are pretty traditional about the festivities and they like that, even being press-ganged into taking part in a nativity play!) Don't misunderstand me, I love having them all as much as they seem to like coming to us , and my daughters and I are a great team in the kitchen, but sometimes I would quite like not to have to bother with it all! Come December,of course I will have changed my mind and be sorting out the decorations!

Go with the flow not floor!!

Ever since our lot found partners we’ve had an arrangement that they all come to us one year, and all go to their respective in-laws the next. So last year there were 12 of us and we had a fabulous family day, this year it’ll just us two and very different, but still enjoyable - we’ll probably go out for dinner, have an indulgent tea, go for a walk, read and watch whatever we fancy on TV. We’ll see the family over the Christmas period, so won’t feel left out.

I disagree with those saying you can’t recreate those great Christmasses of the past. I think you can. Our three - two daughters and a son, by the way - know that if they wanted to spend the day at home, or host themselves, we’d be absolutely fine with it, but for now they love the get-togethers. So do we, but we’d never insist on hosting every year. It sounds to me as though your in-laws are a thoughtless lot, Tuppence.

I always find the anticipation and build up to Christmas far more exciting than the actual day, which often turns out to be less than I hoped! We had lovely big Christmasses when the DS was little and have had various types of Christmas Day as he grew up.Now he a father of 2 and we had him and his other half and both children all over Christmas last year which was lovely ( v tiring!) but I don't expect it to happen again this year. We may go to stay with my elderly mother who has Alzheimers although understandably DH isn't too thrilled over the prospect.
We have had Christmasses just the two of us which been just as enjoyable. Enjoy the prep, go with the floor and have a lovely Boxing Day- sounds the perfect balance to me!

My favourite day in Christmas week last year was when our adult children with their partners and our three grandchildren all turned up unexpectedly, having arranged it secretly by themselves.
I was not expecting them all to be there so it was a wonderful surprise and we ended up ordering the equivalent of a Chinese banquet.
Altogether a great day, even better than Christmas Day and totally not organised by me! So I learnt a great lesson and it is that sometimes the best things happen with no planning at all, we just need to recognise them when they happen!