Should I take a gift? If so, what would be appropriate

my Mum had dementia and often did not know who I was, she just used to sit in a chair all day in the care home. I got things to try to tempt her into doing something. I went to a good quality toy shop and got some large coloured buttons with coloured laces, they were for children aged about 3 yrs and the idea was to thread the buttons on the laces. She did that a few times while we sat with her but didn't touch them when alone. Then I saw this long legged tall, rag doll, bright yellow (wool) hair in bunches, stripey legs, Mum loved it, she was often seen with it sitting on her lap, we named it Sally, now Mum is no longer with us my daughter has it sitting in her spare bedroom.

I used to visit care homes as part of my work. A cuddly is usually welcome and can give a feeling of security, encourage talking as treated like a companion. A twiddle muff (loads of patterns on internet) is also good if person has anxiety as able to pick away at the decorations. If you do go for this attach items inside too not just on outside. Or, even just a knitted/crocheted square with bits and bobs sewn on. Have to be careful with sweets unless you know SIL finds swallowing easy. Best to go for soft, easy to melt type. The care home should be able to suggest something- may well need basic clothing e.g. nightgown, underwear. Do hope your visit goes well for you both.

I'd go with cake (but then I 'd always go with cake!)
Also Twiddle Mits are very good For Dementia patients

At Christmas I gave my DM (who has dementia and is in a care home) a cushion, with a bird design on. She loves birds and was delighted with it.

my mum loved toys. I gave her a tube with coloured bits in that you upended and they made a lovely rattle then fell into patterns (3 year old grandson loved it too), also a stress ball that made a noise - she laughed at them every time and I had such joy watching her revert to a child. If there are any associations to her happier times - travel by train or airplane, bus etc something she may remember so you could perhaps chat? I miss her every day (and my dad) .

Annakist.It is but a short time since your last visit to see your SIL when, sadly, she did not recognise you so time will mean nothing to her. I recall my own experience when late DH had dementia and it broke my heart to experience the vacant stare I experienced when I visited him in the care home. Prior to my visits I would phone the home and ask what did they suggest I bring for DH as they were with him twenty four seven and had a far better idea what he might like or would be appropriate. I think you should do this but believe just being their for your SIL will be more beneficial whether she recognises you or not . Hold her hand talk to her whether she understands you or not. Human contact is worth far more than flowers or chocolates.

If the lady has a CD or DVD player, why not take a music disc of an era that she used to love - maybe the 50's, 60's or 70s, or even from the year she was born? They say that music can really help people with dementia and listening to music which she can relate to might bring some comfort to her as well as you, Annakist, and it is something which will last, to be listened to over and over again.

I used to read to Mom when we went into the nursing home. I would take in a favourite book of poetry she liked and a Bible to read special passages from.

When they are further on with dementia it is often difficult to have a conversation with them hence the books as it passes time.

I used to hold mom's hand when reading to her and I know she got great comfort from it. They don't lose there feelings. Its their memory and bodily functions that go.

Yes a teddy bear and Disney soft toy are all good ideas too

My Mum recently enjoyed the handful of cherries which I took in to her. They are plentiful at the moment and quite delicious and not the type of fruit the care home would provide.

Definitely ask the care home. She might need some items of clothing ( as mentioned they would need her name putting in) or have a favourite perfume that reminds her of her past? Photos are an excellent idea but it all depends on the stage of the dementia.

I agree with corner that was my first thought. I don't think you can lump all dementia patients into one group, each is still an individual and if there are no other family members to ask the care home has to be the best bet.

This reminds me ofa conversation I once overheard between two ladies at the till in a greegrocer's. One was buying a bunch of flowers to take to someone with dementia in a nursing home. Her friend said, " Why not take a pot plant? It would last longer," but the reply was, "Oh no, no, not a pot plant. I tried that, and she buried her teeth in the compost!"

So there's another suggestion, flowers - or a pot plant?

I wouldn't take anything at all but, whilst there, see if there was any item which seemed desirable and pop out for it or send it later. Under the circumstances I think it's the visit that matters and not 'stuff' but I do understand your kind motivation. Hope your visit goes well.

Elderly dementia patients can often feel reassured by carrying round a dolly.

We knew that MIL used to enjoy a glass of Guinness so we took in a few bottles. Next visit we were very tactfully requested not to bring her any more - apparently she had become somewhat bolshy after drinking it - as she was only about 4'9" tall I would love to have seen her.

thank you everybody, so many helpful suggestions. I've got a week or so before I go, so plenty of time to organise a selection of the things that have been mentioned.

I am most grateful to you all for taking the time to reply.

My father in law visited his wife daily and always took 4 Belgian chocolate truffles, cut in half for her to eat whilst he sat with her. We carried on the tradition after his death.

I'd take a container of pretty iced cup cakes - one for her, one for you, one each for the other ladies . It's a little treat , and it's nice to share.

My mum doesn't like to go empty handed when she visits her sister, but soon stopped taking sweets or chocolates when she discovered that her sister's room was full of them. Part of the problem is that her dementia is now at the stage where she forgets about the sweets, or doesn't know what to do with them,
Last time, Mum simply took her a nice ripe peach, which she encouraged her to eat there and then.

Why not give the home a call and ask about toiletries and also her favourite foods? That way you’ll be sure. Hope the visit goes well.

My mil had dementia and we bought her toiletries but they don't use soap in the homes , it has to be shower gel or talc. Mil also loved a cute decent sized stuffed animal , she was given a bear at one time by a company visiting the home and she got so much love and comfort from it , she cuddled it ,tried to feed it , chatted away to it for ages . Cakes to share is another good choice or a soft blanket or throw but it would need a name tag on it for laundry .

Do you have a family photo album? If she wouldn’t find it too upsetting.

To eat , the bags of old fashioned sweets that you can get in the supermarkets, humbugs etc.

Smellies are always nice

I have visited people with the same condition. How about a box of fruit jellies? Perhaps winegums? They don't melt as easily as chocolate and you are going on a long journey on public transport.

Also, when the person is eating them, chocolates can get very messy. I suppose it depends on how the dementia affects them.

She might like something to hold - have you seen "twiddle muffs" - you could make one, but you can also buy them if you google.

I'm sure all patients and staff would love cake though!

Oh, I've never worked anywhere that provided them.
Ah well, maybe scrap that idea then.