Does this damage children

moobox ! Love the Bill Gates thing too! Definitely one to show to GS. I think possibly the worst example of parental behaviour I have seen recently was at a county junior schools cross country event. When they were doing a preliminary line up before the start, one of the mothers was seen to take a position at the front, in among the children, to effectively reserve a place at the front of the pack for her daughter, who was making her way to the start with some of her team mates. She was seen to move at least two children out of the way, and an official had to ask her to remove herself or risk her child being disqualified. The woman actually argued with him. I can’t imagine how the child must have felt. Being at the front among nearly two hundred runners doesn’t often give you an advantage anyway unless you are an exceptional runner.

We are wrong to discipline, so those precious little darlings grow up with no concept about limits and boundaries and will clearly fail at dealing with other people who have those established lines. We have to protect them from those utter cruelties in life i.e. not winning the egg and spoon race, why because mummies and daddies say they must always win or be first at everything. We have to put them on pedestals even when they are clearly not talented or really don't deserve to be up there. So which is the crueller, prepare them for life, guide and support them and equip them with life skills or let them believe we all live in lala land, fine I suppose if mummy and daddy are going to live forever. I'm with the ref on this one.

I recently went to a 10k race. All adults. Lots of applause and encouragement for the winners and a continued trickle of applause for the rest UNTIL at the end a huge burst of applause for a struggling, plump lady who tottered in, puffing and puce but thrilled. It is not always first past the post that counts and everyone applauding so enthusiastically, including other participants, recognised that.

Pronounced Yoe-gutt of course
(actually I thought that was the Australian way)

I have been watching them too, Jalima. Must get on and see if Iceland sell gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt - oops, I meant Waitrose.

Apricity - I am glad that you grandson is doing very well now.

I've just been looking at some photos posted of Syrian refugee children, no smiles, just sad little faces until they received a simple 'goody bag' each then their faces lit up at something so many would take for granted.

Thanks moobox - so funny!!

Oh, there are more, I could sit and watch all morning but must get on

It's the refs decision. Children have to learn to take knocks in life. Helped with boys football team years ago. Parents used to run on the pitch and argue with the ref back then. It's a GAME!!

Apricity I'm very moved by your reply. So filled with good sense. I am so glad to hear your Grandson is doing well
HurdyGurdy I love what you have taken the trouble to write. Is it ok if I copy it out and put it on my wall? I can also give it to whosoever may like it...
Also Hurdy, I gave a reply to you above in error, I expect you realised! Sorry! My pills haven't taken effect yet! Thanks for your lovely replies
Actually thanks everyone for such wonderfully uplifting replies, it has cheered me up on a slightly low day.

There is only one recognised authority on this subject:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOu9YbMw2qk

Apricity, thank you for sharing about your grandson, it supports my point, but more importantly, he is now doing well, how wonderful.

Very good news about your Grandson Apricity.
I agree with what you say about parents saying it is unfair. They are teaching the children that everything in life is about them.
Parents should set a example.

Luzdoh, what a lovely story, bless those children.

The ref is right, children have to learn to accept disappointment in life, and that life doesn’t always go their way. How on earth will they cope when they don’t get a much wanted job or promotion and the ‘inferior’ candidate gets it?
Life isn’t always fair, life isn’t fair to so many people, children born into poverty, children born into a war zone, think Syria, children who get horrible illnesses or are born with a disability, children whose parents divorce, children who are abused, and the list goes on. A wrong call in a race is small fry compared to these, children need to develop resilience, and life is not always fair.

Wetnosewheatie (What an amazing name! How did you come up with it?) I despair with you! Sadly I think it is more to do with parents being competitive.
I "suffered"from competitive parents when I taught in Sevenoaks many years ago. That part of Kent always kept the Grammar school system. Parents would start the competition for those top 3-5 places from each class of 30 (approx), from the time their child entered Nursery school! There would be comparing of what reading book their child's friend was reading, what maths they were doing and so on. One daughter of mine was bullied by the father of her friend while invited to their house when he asked which Maths set she was in. People now are fiercely holding out for this divisive system which will deem 90% of children as failures at the age of 11 and give the cream the best education and the rest a second best less-funded education. I have a vast knowledge of this and no chips on my shoulder as my children and I all had grammar school places.
But competition between the parents, especially those who have a bit of money is absolutely cut-throat, believe me!

One of the most profound comments I have ever come across refers to the importance of the life not lived by a child's parents. This applies equally to the 'stage mother', the aggressive sports parent, the parent of the 'gifted child' etc.

The parents who aggressively believe in their child's amazing talents and their entitlement to win everything are part of that syndrome. The child's activities are all about what the parent never achieved, didn't have the opportunities to do or just didn't do for a thousand other reasons. It is not about the child, it is all about the parent's thwarted, denied a or deluded ambitions for themselves.

I absolutely support the comments Hurdy Gurdy has posted and think that this message needs to supported in families and schools everywhere. Kids need to learn and parents and grandparents need to teach kids that they don't always win, life is not always fair, deal with it, get over it and move on.

Any parent who tells me that something is not fair gets the answer, go and spend time in a children's cancer ward as I had to do with a beloved grandson and then tell me it's not fair that their child didn't win x, y or z!

To reference the Darwinian quote survival is not about the fittest but the most adaptable.

PS. And now for the good news, my beloved grandson is doing very well.. ❤️

Agree with ref. All children should learn they can't win every time.

Good for Jimmy, he showed them. He had a good spirit.

I would not like my child at a school where on the whim of the head competition is considered toxic.
I dought that thought was given to the academic side of things. Why are children not given a chance to shine if they are good at sport.
Competitive sport encourage a alot of good things to.

HurdyGurdy I apologise about the race story being a repeat, I couldn't remember whether I posted it here or on MumsNEt! But it was I who posted it before, apologies if your read it then! It still brings tears to my eyes. It was in the early 1970s, I have no idea what would happen today.

children must learn to accept the referees decision and so must the parents. There will be worse things to deal with in later life and training has to start somewhere. Of course the children will not be damaged. A momentary disappointment will soon be forgotten if the parents handle the matter maturely

Jane43 I think you deserve a prize for the voice of wisdom!

HurdyGurdy I have read that before, thank you for the reminder - I think it should be posted up in all schools.

I think most people agree that competition is healthy - and that a resounding 'well done' should be offered to all. Every child at the DGD's school gets a 'Well Done' sticker after entering a race, and the competitions vary from running, jumping, hurdling, to dressing up races and bean bag throwing etc.
The DGCs Sports Day (also primary) in Australia is a far more competitive affair though, no egg and spoon races or bean bag throwing there.

I am still involved in the wonderful sport of gymnastics. As judging on this does have an subjective element (although all judges, at all levels, have to attend several days of training courses and sit rigorous exams), there are often complaints by parents, - with little or usually no knowledge of what they are talking about.
Only the gymnast coach may put in any sort of appeal on a score.
Whenever a parent complains to me about their perception of incorrect scoring, I always have a stock reply and tell them that more judges are always required (clubs have to supply these in order to enter competitions), so they should arrange with their club to attend a judging course (minimum three full days), purchase/download the current Code of Points, spend many, many hours studying, watching videos, asking questions, etc. etc. take both practical and theory examinations - and that (assuming they pass) will bring them to be a Club Judge (the lowest end of judging). Without all of that, they should keep quiet.
We also have rules that clubs have responsibility for the behaviour at competitions - not just for competitors and coaches, but also for their supporters. Bad behavior can get the club suspended.
A good parent of a child sportsperson, takes and collects them in good time, pays the fees, and is always supportive of their child when talking to them about how they are doing. But......NEVER tries to coach them, never puts another child down, never talks about it being 'unfair'.

I despair. The only thing that should be recorded in your memory is the joy of the children taking part. May be it’s just me but parents seem to be investing far too much in protecting their offspring from dangers that they are creating by their actions. Entitlement being one of them. This doesn’t work in the real world and is setting them up to fail

Do some people realise this is primary school children we are talking about? Some of them are 4 years old and they don't need to learn that early that there are winners and losers. Sports day is in fact "fixed" by teachers in many ways. Everyone gets to take part in one event or another, and the events are often chosen to include the less athletic in things like a sack/obstacle race. And then (Horrors) staff do sometimes award first to one child and second to another when they are very close, without being 100% certain which was which, particularly if one child already has a first in something. It isn't all about non-competition, or about all competition. It is about being the grown up and allowing children to enjoy the day, keep their hopes and aspirations and feel a sense of acheivement at the end without making it into the Olympics. And sometimes it's a bloody difficult balancing act between the competetive pparents and the cooperative parents, but as usual teachers walk the tightrope.