Gransnetters Advice Needed Please

This is a boy with problem behaviour. If he is 12 and is masturbating in public and has been reminded regularly by his parents and grandparents not to do it and still does it. He has a problem.

There is nothing in the OP to suggest any mental problems so I do not think we should suggest it, but it is worth knowing that this problem can be asociated with autism.

All those people who can see the dangers this behaviour can lead to at his current age should be listened to - and this is the key point. First a family member, preferably male, needs to sit with him and spell out the dangers of sexual exploitation and that the misinterpretation of his behaviour could lead him into, including criminal charges if it persists. He is old enough to have this spelt out to him quite clearly and without euphemism or evasion. As other have suggested, discussing alternative comfort behaviour, worry beads or a stress ball, should form part of the discussion.

If this family approach fails, then professional help is essential. His whole future could hinge on controlling this habit

I must admit I was sceptical when I read the OP

I agree, oldbatty.

i think " made up garbage" is extremly helpful to whoever wrote this nonsense and is now getting off on people responding.

Would you like to comment on the advice given Newyorker ?

We seem to have made a leap from uniforms and shoes to something more disturbing.

Perhaps it was the thought of getting cheap school uniform and shoes. Itnis the end of the academic year for sixth formers

I agree mumofmadboys people are very quick to attach labels.

I only said that I thought the child was autistic as a child I knew very well had this same trait.
I do not think that a 12 year old giving himself several erections while walking in a town is normal behaviour by any stretch of the imagination and I think he should have grown out of it by his age.
I hope it is another wind up.

Mmm, Iam64, I did wonder too....

You say parents and siblings - does he have a father or older brother? I think a frank conversation with his father is first and foremost favourable - he needs to understand that this behaviour is private and not something to do out in public. To be honest I would think he does need to be made aware of paedos and predators as he could well be targeted by either if he's seen to be openly playing with himself outside. Does he say why he needs to feel safe - is it a bit like a small child with a comfort blanket? It could well be that it's become a 'habit' he's unaware he's doing some of the time - a bit like a nervous tick - so a distraction technique could help. If he's well adjusted and 'normal' in all other aspects I'm sure it's something he'll grow out of but worrying all the same and needs addressing before he gets into trouble.

I agree with old batty on this.

Grannyactivist I can't imagine that this behaviour would be common in 12 year olds. Even children of 6 or 7 would know that masturbating in public is not acceptable.

Unless GS has special needs ( which I'm sure you'd have mentioned ), I'd say that his father needs to have a very frank and open discussion with him. At 12 he is asking for very serious repercussions if he is walking down the street masturbating. If his parents haven't done anything about it until now, they do need to address it before it causes serious problems.

His comment that it makes him feel "safe" is strange - maybe he needs some counselling if he has this compulsion . He certainly needs some help. Good luck.

This is something that is so common it was always included in adoption training for prospective parents. The standard position is to explain that this is a private activity and should be done in the confines of his bedroom. A conversation also needs to be had (between him and his parents) about alternative strategies for helping him to 'feel safe'. At his age he can also be talked to about dangerous situations that this behaviour could lead to if continued in public places; not to scare him, but to ensure he has a good understanding of it.

We have 3 grandsons of various ages and all , at one time or another have been fascinated by their ‘winkies’.

The standard words we have used is that it is a private part of them, and we’re fine with them touching it - but not in public as that’s not where we do private stuff.

As each got a little older they simply stopped doing it , so I think there needs to be a conversation and some consistency in how it’s dealt with. It’s not appropriate to be doing it in public.

I think it is so wrong to attempt to make diagnoses based on little information. Newyorker wants help and support. Being told your GS is 'very autistic' and needs 'serious diagnosis' may not help the OP and certainly 'made up garbage' is exceedingly unhelpful.

The worrying thing is at 12 if a female child complained he could end up being labelled as a sex pest and that would be hard to shake off it only takes one girl to complain to a teacher who
It certainly isn’t normal behaviour for a 12 year old, I too wondered about Autism, I think the stress ball in his pocket is a good idea or a fidget
Does he understand other rules ? If he’s not got special needs then his mum or dad needs to tell him that that has to be done when he’s alone and in his bedroom and not in public

made up garbage

I wondered, too, if he has special needs because a child of 12 would surely realise that this is not appropriate, even if it is a nervous habit.

I think this child is very autistic, as that is a trait I recognise in a child I knew very well.
It needs serious diagnosis.

I agree with mumofmadboys his parents need to have this talk with him before he finds himself in trouble.
Good idea also Bridgeit to find a distraction technique.

Perhaps a practical solution by giving him some thing to carry such as worry beads or bands anything that he can fiddle & twiddle with , a distraction for him & would not be noticeable or matter to others.

I think it would be best if his parents or one of them spoke to him and talked about relationships, sex and masturbation in an open , honest way and advised about inappropriateness of doing it in public. I'm sure he will soon grow out of it. Is he mature in other ways? Wishing you well. Try not to worry. It is probably just a phase.

If he is doing it inthe high street and does it at school he is at risk of being rounded on by other children who may label him as being a pervert or worse even attack him.

Then there is also the awful possibility of another child being confused by his actions and accusing him of sexual harassment.

Imagine if you were the parent of a daughter in his class or school and She came home saying a boy was masturbating in front of her, you'd be very upset or angry!

For his own protection I would not want him going to school whilst he was still doing it.

I hope it's just a compulsion that has got out of control and he can be counselled and overcome it.

A little girl I used to know used to grind herself when she sat on a chair but stopped when she started school and other children mentioned it.

He is also at risk of being bullied at school!

I can understand that he might fiddle in private but to openly do it in public is quite concerning as either the urge/compulsion is such that he cannot control it no matter where he is or he is getting extra pleasure from doing it in public, both of which could get him in trouble.

Does he have any special needs?

Does he have extra help in learning or attend special classes?

At 12 I would have thought the last thing a boy would want to do is do something that would attract bullies, and would be acutely aware that this behaviour is very inappropriate.

Has the boy voiced concerns himself?

I really think given his age that if he doesn't have any learning difficulties he is old enough to understand what he is doing is not normal and that he needs professional help.

By that I mean a family psychiatrist or child counsellor.