Advice from those of you who have been bereaved

I had a friend who text me "normal" gossip & news from our friendship group.

Made me feel normal. Hearing the everyday stuff. Some people avoided most everyday topics around me and that made me feel worse.

I have been thinking about the things that helped me. As other posters have said everyone is different but it may help to see some practical suggestions.

Come round to see a DVD and a take away. No need to talk much.

Cinema to see a girly film the OH would have hated. In your friends case a man film that you would hate OP?

Frequent texts that did not ask how I was but told me about something the texter was doing that I could respond in a normal way.

Requests for help. It made me feel I was still some use to someone. Maybe your friend can help your husband with a DIY job?

Friends who took no offence when I was rude, angry and impatient when they got it wrong!

Of course your DIL and son will be supporting him too. Can I just add,for you not to be put out if he seems to be getting more than his share of time and attention. You sound so nice I’m sure you won’t be, but it does seem to be a bit of a recurring theme on GN

notnan that’s exactly what I meant

It was quite strange how our friendship developed. They were a very private couple absolutely devoted to one another and did everything together. We are also very private but also independent of each other. Somehow though we clicked from the very start. It was something the four of us talked about often. The fact that, until we met, none of us really had friends. Like us they were centred on their own family but took all of my children and grandchildren to their hearts. We all enjoyed their hospitality.

I don’t want to overwhelm him, as he has always confessed to being a shy man. My DiL always says she is amazed at how much they talk to us as she had not seen them open up to anyone. I really don’t want to presume anything though.

I think there’s a danger in ‘being led by him’. He may not want to be a ‘bother’. I’m more of the making an offer eg

being led by him doesnt = doing nothing & waiting for an invitation!

You can make suggestions but ASK and listen to the answer

eg you can offer food. For some (me) it is so lovely when people drop off food without any expectation of conversation - no pressure! For others it would feel dreadfully lonely to have caseroles piling up but no company. The thing is to ask and hear.

And to not centre yourself and your own desire to do something to help. You cant really help and you cant fix it but you can be on the sidelines checking in and offering support.

I’m with notanan. There is an amazing amount of difference in what people find helpful or not. I for one did not want comfortingly words or to talk about my husband.

The most important thing is to stay in touch even a good morning text if you’re busy. The worst thing for me was supposedly good friends who said we’ll be in touch and took weeks to make contact.

I think there’s a danger in ‘being led by him’. He may not want to be a ‘bother’. I’m more of the making an offer eg - we’re free on Tuesday - could we come over and see you kind of thing. If he says no, then of course leave it for a while. Also I always bring the name of the person who’s died into the conversation and see if they respond. Finally I remember a comment from someone bereaved which was don’t ask me how I am, but ask me how I am today. I try and practice that. You are bereaved as well because of your close friendship so make sure you care about yourself as well - you sound lovely and a good friend - I’m sure you’ll do and say the right thing.

I wonder, sometimes if people do or say nothing, for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing.

I think notanan2 has summed it up quite well. For me as time has gone on I do like to hear others mention his name.

Littleflo perhaps there's something useful in the "Bereavement" section of the forums:

www.gransnet.com/forums/bereavement/1243586-death-in-the-family

for the loss in your extended family.

theres no one size fits all. Whats right for one is wrong for another. Be led by him and if what HE wants/needs is to not be surrounded by "helpers" then keep your own desire to "help" in check.

Keep in touch. Ask and listen, dont assume to know better about what he needs. Thats it really