I could do with some support

Deedaa - a little kindness goes a long way. So glad you were on the receiving end.

I spent a long time on the phone to the hospital re DH on Friday. Afterwards it struck me that a couple of people had spoken to me very kindly and I wondered if I had sounded as shit as I felt. Normally they seem to see me as coping wonderfully with everything. It was nice to feel that they do think about me too.

OldMeg - wet nose and waggy tail - that made me chuckle!

Thank you so much for all your wise words and support which have helped to prop me up through a blip. It is good to be able to unload here. I keep a lot to myself when with others as they do not want to hear me moaning on all the time - and there is my OH's self-respect to consider - he does not want everyone knowing how he is.

I looked at the weighted blankets - what an interesting idea. I think it would help him; but my concern is that he is so thin and weak that they might make it hard for him to move under it - he already struggles with the duvet. I will talk to him about it.

This afternoon there is a blossom walk in a nearby orchard and I am hoping to persuade him to venture out to this with me. There is tea and cake, so he can just sit and look at the blossom without having to walk very far. And a friend has invited me to visit her bluebell wood; and again I might see if I can get him there to just sit and enjoy the sights and scents.

I just feel he is missing out on so much by hiding away here going over and over his worries. He is a bit brighter this morning after being out of the house for a short while yesterday. So - onwards and upwards.

I do appreciate all your kind thoughts and suggestions. I know that I have so much really and should be thankful, but there are brief moments when I yearn for a more relaxed life without the weight of his unhappiness. I have listened to Maws message though and taken it to heart.

My heart really goes out to you luckygirl,I am sure you feel nothing like your given name right now,and again as a past Carer, I can truly understand the lonely grind caring can be.

You do it with all your heart but even carers need that necessary break whilst most of all they need support for what they are giving from the one they are caring for.

But when you face such negativity it can wear you down and wash out your own individual personality.
It must be an enormous burden and you certainly need that break.
Caring can be physically challenging we all know, but when it also is mentally draining help is badly.......and urgently... needed.
You need breaks for sure and you need to take them despite whatever he says.
You are the Carer and he has to listen.

You too are breakable and if you go under he will be left in a very sorrowful place.
So time to seek out the areas that can allow you those essential times out of this position,away from this scene.

I have to say caring for my 80 year old crippled Foster Mother through her debilitating terminal cancer was made all the easier by her happy and grateful attitude.
It made the caring a privilege and joy.
Whilst the only back up I had was that of a working but very supportive husband.

Even caring for my own F/M I found myself at sheer breaking point and my relief was vanishing into our substantial back garden with gardening tools in my hand.............and Oh! boy did those weeds have a good going over...........time and time again!
But the fresh air,out from the indoor scene and a bit of gardening,a favourite hobby was sheer bliss,giving me back my mojo and I could face my duties with a smile and far more gusto.
One day a Nurse demanded I go and have my hair done, whilst she sat with my dear one...................again such a welcome change of scenery and boost to my morale.
Recharging those run down batteries are a life saver.

It does not have to be a massive break,anything and everything that takes you out of the environment and situation that is now wearing you down.
A trip to the supermarket in such circumstances can be heaven sent.

There are outside groups of people,here they are called "Crossroads" and we have a home hospice group called Paul Sartori Foundation..........either will relieve you for a while,this is what they are set up to do.

You are not alone in this plight believe me,up and down the country,here within Gransnet alone there are so many that have either “walked the walk” or are actually caring right now for a loved one.

It is a sense of balance that you need.
All caring makes the carer ............and cared for....stale perhaps,lacking verve and that "get up and go"...... they are totally washed out.Especially so if the cared for happens to be negative and demanding.

Luckygirl please know I urge you to take heed and put yourself in that place where you too can have some much needed pampering and a break..................way before this whole business cracks you up too.

Wishing you some newfound peace deep within .

Lucky just a thought - would a weighted blanket for your DH help him with his anxiety do you think? We always think of them as being something for people on the autistic spectrum, but they are also thought to be helpful for anyone suffering from anxiety. From what I gather, though, you should speak to your GP before getting one because they're not recommended in some circumstances.

Luckygirl, as others have said, we try to protect our adult children when our health or wellbeing isn't good. That's even more likely when the stresses are the result of their father's ill health.
Talk things over more honestly with your children. Do find someone to sit with your husband so you can have regular breaks. Is his medication helping at all, does it need changing. It's hard to be the one who needs some TLC and respite, when you're usually the one providing that. Take care of yourself.

Thinking of you lucky. Could you tell your husband his chuntering is getting you down? Does he have any control over it? Could you suggest say twice a day you will talk about his anxieties but the rest of the time you won't? Just a thought. He may not realise how often he is doing it or what a negative effect it is having on you..x

Getting old isn’t for wimps is it? If it’s not our own aches and pains, it’s having to live with our OH’s plus all round increasing negativity. Bodies and minds failing.

Best we can do is to hang on to the little things that make us smile; a sunny morning, a lovely flower in the garden, a visit from friends or family, a TV programme that makes us laugh, a book that makes us cry, a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, a new pair of shoes, a waggy tail and a wet nose ....etc.

If we can find pleasure in the small things in life, and if we can actively seek out these little moments it can make a difference. We can’t change the negativity around us when it comes from another, but we can dilute it.

PS sorry about the waggy tail luckygirl I know that wouldn’t be in your list of things to make you smile ?

I've come to this thread late Lucky but just wanted to say that you have had loads of good advice here.

Please off load to us - any time.

I’m so sorry, Lucky, for you and for others going through similar tough times at the moment. I’m full of admiration for you all. (((Hugs)))

Oh Lucky I feel for you. My DP suffers with anxiety and depression but luckily he is able to work. I find the negativity so wearing. He cannot do anything spontaneously and sleeps all the time. He moans I am always out but I feel I am too young to sit in watching TV and I need a laugh. I do tell his adult DC but they don't see how bad he is . Make sure you have time for yourself to keep your sanity x

So sorry Lucky. I do wish there was some advise I could offer other than that which has already been said and what you already know. I just want to send (((hugs))) and support. I know your DDs will want to help all they can. Do let them. xx

Luckgirl, my heart aches for you, but there are so many here who can give you good advice. I'm sure you know that you can always come on here and unload, and we will listen, and I'm sure that it helps. I am so sorry that I cannot give any better advice than what has already been said by others in more of a position to understand what you are going through at the moment, but, I can add my thoughts and prayers. Try and get a good nights sleep and wake a bit more refreshed. Tomorrow is another day. Just live it to the best of your ability. I hope this doesn't sound too trite, and I wish I could really help a bit. {{{hugs}}

How kind and wise you all are. It is hugely appreciated.

luckygirl, reading Petra’s reply reminded me, i once had a recall following a mammogram, didn’t tell my daughters do as not to worry them, had to go fifty miles to the breast clinic, someone from home saw me, daughters were furious, one even raised her voice to me , they said I had lied to them, and how could they trust me again, they wanted to go through the worry with me. Tell your daughters how stressed you are please my love

I found it hard enough caring for my parents, especially my father once Mum had gone into care and he deteriorated daily, but did share the burden with my husband so to have the care so close to home must be unbearable at times. I don't think there are any answers other than those given above - to try to get out alone whenever you can even if it's only a walk to the shops to clear your head. You have my sympathies - I hope you find some extra support as time goes on.

AnnSixty and Luckygirl
A year ago I felt like you, 7 months ago I felt like you.
6 months ago my world changed.
If you possibly can, look for a way forward so that you are not tempted to wish the strain and worries away. Like coping with pain, if you can “roll with it” by dint of some relief or stopgaps and somehow find some joy in the time you have left , you may be spared the guilt of looking back and wishing you had known how it eve n gets worse.

Oh how I empathise and know your situation, although mine is now so different.My H no longer can communicate on any level , he does not understand or can be understood.
I feel so lonely and sad.
The professionals I am dealing with have no comprehension of how how I feel, they are not emotionally involved.
I wish you some comfort in your life, we must take what we can out of what we have, by which I think I mean we still have them with us and hopefully memories of what we once had.
My sincere best wishes to you.

Oh Lucky what a rotten hand you seem to have been dealt just recently. I wish I had some answers, I really do. Maw has given some excellent advice - I do hope you can manage to follow it and find the positivity to sustain you through the tougher times.
You always come across as a very strong person on here, though I realise you probably don't always feel that way. Just try and be the person we all see, that strong person, and you will be able to keep going.

You will rise above it Luckygirl instead of coming back to earth with a bump, try to stay “in the moment” to compartmentalise the good moments and the good days and save them to carry you through.
You could even switch off hearing all your OH’s moans and groans, just say “Yes dear” every so often. Try to be by yourself for stretches of time in the house-go into the garden for instance and potter.
I do empathise with you, but I also know it is a million times worse when he is gone for ever.

I actually do not feel anxious myself - just sucked dry by my OH's anxiety. It is all-encompassing. He is on treatment for it, but there is a big organic element in it as his brain deteriorates and it is hard to treat.

Luckygirl I hope with the advice and support from some trusty GNers you will have gained some extra oomph to face tomorrow and the coming days.

I wish I could add something other than to say I do understand how your positivity has been replaced with feelings of anxiety.

hoping you have a more manageable tomorrow.

Thank you for your kind messages.

I guess that the girls probably do understand; I just do not spell it out to them how it drags me down.

What happened today was that I was running an arts festival all day - I left him during the morning with his alarm pendant, but the girls kindly picked him in the afternoon, brought him to the venue and sat with him and took care of him. It was a lovely uplifting day and I guess that was why it has hit a bit hard tonight - I was on a high, and I sat him in the car and he hardly mentioned the festival, just expressed his anxiety about the drive every minute of the way. It just felt like a lead cloud coming down.

I do know how very lucky I am to have family around and to have had the opportunity to be part of such a wonderful day; but today has brought the problem into focus - it is a blip - I will rise above this.

Oh Luckygirl what a bloody awful situation. Nobody should be should be writing your post on a Saturday night.
You should be sitting with your husband waiting for the Eurovision Song Contest to start. I'm sorry for my black humour creeping in there, it always ones when I'm upset, it's my default position when something upsets me.
You don't deserve this, it's just so unfair.
You say your girls are not entirely aware of how bad it is. How are they going to feel when the medics are called for you? You must tell them everything.
I kept something from my daughter once. When I did breakdown she was absolutely furious that I hadn't told her.
They aren't children anymore. I like to think that your girls are mature enough to take on what you have to tell them.
Big big hug.