At a loss re very elderly parents

Have you had counselling oldbatty where you discussed the unsaid subjects?
Harsh as it may sound, your health must come first. If your mother has a go at you on your visits then cut your visit short. You have done your best, why hang about to be demeaned?
You are not a rubbing rag and deserve better.
If your phone is going too often let the calls go to answerphone and call them back at your convenience.
There is only so much that you can do for some people, though many on here will disagree with me.
You are in a no win situation. Even if you confronted your parents and unburdened yourself you then would have the burden of guilt at upsetting them and your relationship with them will deteriorate further.
I hope you are under the care of your GP.

I agree with Coconut. writing it all down might be helpful, as could talking things through with a counsellor.

As far as possible, be kind to yourself as well as to them.

What is it that your mother is trying to say? Do you understand what she is really saying? Is it connected to your depression? Are you currently having any treatment or counselling for your mental health? Just think about yourself for a little while and see what you can do to feel more secure in yourself. Other people are difficult if not impossible to change you know, so the easiest thing is to focus on your responses.

Sorry for years.

I'm reading this with understanding. You have to find a boundary that suits you and stick with it,with me it was my husbands mam who gave us hell firebreaks then when she needed me was a little better forgetting the nastiness. She died in February and all I can feel is release.

I also have a fractious relationship with my mother, and she is also very stubborn. She has always been bossy and very opinionated and has no concept of others having differing opinions. It’s not just me, she is the same with my siblings, she was the same with my Dad and even told her own Mother what she should/shouldn’t be doing or thinking. Undoubtedly it does wear you down over the years and because of my career choice and learning to become assertive, I was able to deal with her verbally, instead of just keeping quiet to avoid exploding ! I have been able to address many historic issues with her, when she has bought them up, so I have got rid of a lot of my angst. She does not like it when I have proved her wrong, has never admitted she was wrong and never ever apologised for anything. She has always done her best in her eyes and that’s all there is to it !
Have you tried writing a letter to her, writing down all your feelings ? It may never be sent, probably best that it isn’t ! However, it does help at times just to get it all out of your head. I visit Mum once a week, take her shopping and out to lunch, plus I ring her midweek, I can do no more. She is unsteady on her feet but refuses to sell up and go to warden assisted accommodation, but she does have Lifeline. Just accept that you can do no more, and be kind to yourself. The fact that you are agonising over this proves that you have a good heart .... so just learn how to let it all go, live your own life and be happy.

It's difficult for you and you have my sympathy. My MIL was always difficult and with advanced old age she became impossible - and it wasn't me who got the brunt of it, this she saved for her eldest son. My dear late husband was her favourite and she felt that her other son was 'against her' along with his wife who she'd never warmed to. Her care became a battle of wills as she couldn't understand why a carer had to visit twice a day. Her house became filthy as she wouldn't let us clean it. In the end she had to go in a home which she hated. Thank God she lasted less than a year - death was a release for all of us.

Oldbatty it seems to me from your description that your parents despite being in their 90`s not only still have the good fortune of each other,but they lack nothing at this stage of their lives.
In fact I would go as far as to say they are far better off than many........including couples far,far younger.

If your relationship with them has never been too good of course these things continue regardless of age..........circumstances and distances apart.

I hesitate to say this but could they,like many much older couples be just a little more demanding now as the clock ticks and they can see themselves perhaps with a greater need??
However again if you personally suffer depression,you will have learnt of old how best to keep a distance and those boundaries that you mention,if this works and serves you well I can understand you do not need any changes or emotional demands at this stage...........or even at any time.

Without knowing more I would say keep up your own safety net around you,only reaching out.... over and above... if you find their need actually grows.
Take things slowly,one day at a time........and hopefully, they will remain happy together in what sounds a good environment,leaving you mainly in peace to cope with your life........ and depression.

thanks folks. They have careline and the carer gives me updates. It has got to the point where my phone is on the go a lot and I possibly need to reconsider tha

re boudaries......mmmmm its hard to express. just a lack of respect for me.

I fear you are right, I am the only person she can have a go at.
Its sad, it feels sad but of course nobody acknowledges this because we dont do feelings.

Just accept things as they are. You feel your parents aren’t safe etc but it is their choice. Just let it all go.

I agree with Willow you are doing all you can, things are unlikely to change now. I would continue to offer support where you can and then accept the status quo and get in with your life.

There are no laws which say you have to get on with your parents any better when they're in their 90's than you did when they were younger and sometimes it becomes even harder to differentiate between concern for their welfare and guilt that you dread visiting. Do you have any other family living nearer to them who also look out for them? They are obviously still independent enough to be in their own home with the help of carers. Are you in contact with the carers who can give you a picture of how they're managing day to day? Do they have an alarm system installed where they can press a button if they fall or need help? It is difficult when elderly parents live so far away but if visiting them is affecting your own health there are things you can put in place to ease your mind so that you don't feel the constant anxiety that they're ok.

oldbatty if all the unsaid things have not been said by now, they never will be and it is much better all round if you let them go. I was in a similar position and realised in time and just accepted that my mother was the person she was and wouldn't understand the problem even if I tried to explain it. I just relaxed and made the most of my time with her while she was still around.

I agree with Luckygirl you must think of yourself whilst making sure they are cared for, you say a carer is going in and they wish to stay where they are so you can only do what you can. When you do go make your mind up beforehand how long you will stay and just chat as lightly as possible, until you have judged their mood, to try and lower the stress on you, not sure exactly what you mean by boundaries being disrespected, is it what they say to you? You will not change their outlook now but is there any way you could bring up what you want to say perhaps by talking about times past,particular events or people. I suspect you are the only person your mum feels free to have a go at. Been there. Make sure you get what care you need for yourself.

lucky, thanks. wise words. Blue bell, I guess my concern is that my mental health is suffering as a result of so much unsaid stuff. They surely will not be around for much longer, they refuse to leave their home and although things are in place they are unsteady on their feet and frail. I live in fear of the phone going with some news. Meanwhile the little bit of time we have left is spent with mum having a go at me.

It is interesting that however old we get, if our relationship with our parents has been less than perfect, it gets no better and often worse.

We feel that here are these ageing people in need of our support whom we do not feel able to give our hearts to and care for them wholeheartedly. And, added into the mix is our knowledge that they may not be around much longer and we should be with them while we may.

It is all a toxic mix that can make us feel guilty and ashamed.

My advice to you would be to take it as it is and to not wish it could be different. Go and see them when you feel able to, and not when you feel you have to.

And take comfort from the fact that you are not alone - so many of us know these mixed emotions.

What do your parents get out of your visits to them? Do they really need you there? I think maybe it might help to think how often YOU want to visit or feel able to and confine yourself to that and no more.

I m not too clear what is causing your concern?
Do you visit too regularly?
Or do you feel guilty because you don’t visit much
They seem as if they are well cared for with a good set up what actually is bothering you ?

ok . I am 60, they are in their 90's about 3 hours drive away. Its not a great relationship.. They have a comfortable home, money ( although they pretend not), a good private carer, some friends and good neighbours.

I find them exhausting to be around and they have absolutely no respect for any boundaries i try to put in place. I have a history of depression and i have to be careful. it is wearing me down.

We’re always here to offer a listening ear sometimes that’s enough or offer advice if we can.

Please ask away oldbatty.
GN is a very friendly site.
I'm sure there will be plenty of Gransneters who will be able to offer advice or just a friendly ear.

Many on here have had a variety of dealings with elderly or ill parents judging by your title that’s what is worrying you
I would think you will get a variety of advice recollections and experiences if you are wanting that

Hello oldbatty yes, of course it's worth asking for help here