Adults childrens birthdays

Been interesting to read responses to this Thread. Must say I am very lucky that I have a very good relationship with all of my five children, and eight g.children.
With so many children, it does mean that all -family get-togethers can really only take place during school holidays. We do this for major events. I have fallen into the 'routine' of having a BIG birthday do every ten years - had one for my 50th (as I had just then survived major surgery), my 60th was a surprise one arranged by my (then) six children, I made a 70th, a few months after I retired from work - and we are already talking about what we can do for my 80th in three years time (assuming I get there).
I have usually been to my g.children's birthdays whilst they are small, once they hit teenage years they don't want parents, let alone g.parents around!!!
I am very excited at present that my youngest daughter is coming back to the mainland in June this year, after living for nearly 20 years in Northern Ireland. She will only be a few miles away from her twin, so I will be able to have much more to do with her than I have previously.
I was just feeling a little tearful that day I wrote that comment, I knew at the time I was being rather silly and unreasonable.
When I read, on here, some of the really sad posts of people having little or no involvement with their own children or g.children I really do appreciate how very fortunate I am.

gummybears - most odd behaviour of your mum
magicwriter2016 - I would always phone or text first to ask if convenient to visit my DD and family as I used to hate my MIL just turning up and think it is very disrespectful. They text us first. It just saves a wasted journey if they are out or have visitors and vice versa. Just good manners particularly if we all busy people. We all live in the same town too

We all still tend to celebrate adult children's birthdays together still as youngest DD and son in law live nearby and have 2 small children. Sometimes it is just a piece of cake and cup of tea or if a special birthday maybe a weekend away or meal out. Same goes for ours. Our eldest daughter lives about 100 miles away and DH and I drove 50 and she drove around the same and we met at a National Trust place and had lunch there. She does not have a partner at the moment though. Sometimes she celebrates with friends and sometimes family - ie us and her sister and husband.

I'm very lucky that my 2 sons both live only 1/2 a mile or so away from me and my husband (their dad). We always get together for ALL our birthdays. The sons are now 34 and 36, and they see friends etc., but they always make time to see us on our birthdays and on theirs.

It is so often the way, and it does seem ironic that we wouldn't even HAVE a birthday to celebrate if it weren't for our mothers and what they had to go through on that day in the first place. Maybe birthdays should act more like Mothers' Day and be all about appreciating our mothers.

I think our families are quite conventional and like to remember all our birthdays although just today I realised I'd forgotten to send a card to my FIL when I saw all his cards. Luckily he's forgiving.
I get asked to babysit for my DD so she and her partner can go out, which I love. Our other ACs are far flung but we try to go for a meal together although occasionally there are hurt feelings if someone doesn't get an invite.
Big birthdays are a chance to have a party but once the GC are over the age of about 3 , I don't expect an invitation to their parties .as long as they come to mine!

gummybears. I too had to reread your post about your mother holding a party and not inviting you. Frankly, that seems like someone who is mentally unbalanced (sorry!).
Perhaps even more bizarre, is why would extended family actually turn up knowing the Birthday Girl will be absent at the behest of her own mother. Can’t get my head round it.
You say you are moving. I don’t blame you. If there was ever a case for CO than yours is a prime example - and I have never advocated CO,s. Seems like your mother is ultra controlling and it makes me wonder why you have never broken away from her before you had children?
People talk a lot about ‘abuse’ on these threads. I think the word is very overused. However in your case, in my opinion, you really have suffered abuse.

We always phone and send cards + money or gift vouchers to our sons, and DILs, but because of when their birthdays are, and the distance between us, we rarely see them on the day. They usually celebrate quietly at home with their families. When they next visit us after a birthday we all go out for a meal which is our treat to them. On my youngest sons birthday a few months ago I sent him a text at the precise time he was born saying "Guess what you and I were doing at this time 32 years ago!" He replied "Ugh I don't want the gory details! Love you lots Mum" I don't think we expect to be included in their plans now, but eldest son will be 40 next year, so perhaps then.....

gummy, you are a hero! Most daughters in your position would move as far away as possible. Indeed a friend in a position nowhere near as difficult at yours deliberately bought a house difficult to reach by public transport (her mother did not drive) so that she could control the amount of contact she had with her mother. This was before mobile phones when phone calls could also be expensive.

Gummybears, both extraordinary and so unkind. How do the extended family view it? Surely they all wonder, 'It's Gummy's birthday party so why aren't Gummy and family here?'
?for you, and, for dear mama ?!

Like I said, ladies, odd stock!

I made the error of telling her she had hurt my feelings the first time it happened, which is why she did it again. She zeroes in on things that she knows are likely to hurt me and does them as often as possible. My father thinks it makes her feel better about her own feelings.

I almost never rise to the bait as a result, but I slipped up and admitted my hurt on that occasion. I expect I will also be barred from this ‘celebration’ this year as well as I am being punished for moving house currently.

I will have a day out with my littles on my own.

gummybears - I had to read your post twice because I couldn't believe what I was reading! That's one of the oddest things I have ever have ever heard about. What happened 2 years ago to make them do that to you?
I hope you have your own birthday party for you and the children

I have always considered myself close to my two daughters and when it is anyone's birthday, we all usually get together for a 'tea party' at whichever house the birthday person lives in. It is basically a cuppa and a cake with candles on it. But one thing I still struggle with, is that I am supposed to always phone or text them before visiting them. We all live in the same small town. I think I find this alien as when my family were younger, not everyone had phones and even then, you only really used them to contact folk who lived far away from you. We all just 'popped in by' each other, if you were in fine, you were usually welcomed and if you were out, you were out. I would never have considered my self too busy to stop for a half hour or so, to chat to someone, but my daughters, even the one who doesn't work and her kids are both at school all day will often say she is too busy. It does make you feel unwelcome or not wanted, but I have to keep telling myself the world has changed. Sadly not always for the better.

What?? That's one of the strangest things I've ever heard, gummybears!

For the last two years running, my parents have held a birthday celebration (cake, extended family, the works) for my birthday on my birthday, and have specifically phoned me to tell me that the children and I are not welcome at it. Indeed, that we would not be allowed entry to their home. The reason given was “your mother doesn’t want you there, its too much bother”

Some of us come from very odd stock

I’m lucky. The DC all live reasonably close, so we have a family get-together for every adult’s birthday. It used to be a meal out, now with four DGS five and under it’s easier, and cheaper, to contain them at ours for an afternoon, with a meal, cake, games, a walk, whatever. Hardly ever on the day itself, and it can be a couple of weeks either side, just when we can all make it. My DD in particular seem to have birthday weeks these days, with various meals/drinks out with friends.

Could you get all yours together on your own birthday, Franbern? Or are they too far away for that? I hope you can sort something out. for you, and for you, Sulis.

I realise my last posting must have appeared harsh, and I apologise to anyone I upset or offended. This is not my normal behaviour.
I am one of the lucky ones. I have a daughter who only lives about 20 mins away. She is married with a young baby and they include me in their lives. It was my birthday at the weekend and we all went out for the day at the coast and then back to theirs for a meal in the evening. I endeavour to support them just as they do me, but without living in each other's pockets.
I also have a son who is currently overseas, and he is due to return to me in a few weeks with his girlfriend until they can set up their own home. We are a very close family and love nothing more than all getting together when we can.
I might add we can all drive each other up the wall on occasions - a nice healthy balanced relationship!!!!

In a way I think it's a good thing that they celebrate their birthday their own way as it shows they have become independent adults. But you have given so much to your family it nice to be included. When is your birthday Franbern?

Sadly I’m not part of my children’s lives, they are there if I need them and on the whole are very good to me in many ways. Spending time with me or allowing me there time is off the agenda. I find it very sad but can only accept it.

I wish my mother was still alive to spend time with every day, and especially on birthdays. I miss her especially on those special days

Sulis, I understand exactly your situation. I would suggest that you reconsider your monetary arrangements for your son and look after yourself for a change. Thoughtlessness and selfish behaviours should not be rewarded. Look after yourself. It seems that a few on here think the same.

Is it me, or are some Gransnetters very needy? Perhaps I should start a new thread. Surely we should all be big hearted and want for our children what they want for themselves. Mind you, I have a big family network and we are all supportive of each other whatever the relationship.

My birthday is in August and so I am always on holiday for my own birthday. We go for a family meal when we return to UK. My two ds's still live at home and we always go out for a family meal to celebrate any occasions such as birthdays, passing driving tests, exam results, promotions, anything really. I usually travel down to my dd on her June birthday, weekend immediately after birthday, and we take her, d sil and dgs all out for a nice meal. Tey to make effort to go to see your other children Franbern as if you are around they may include you more. You could always invite them to a big barbecue when it is your birthday.

It will be my son’s birthday at the weekend and we would not expect to be included in anything he may have planned, though for his big five oh last year we were invited to his party, as was DD and her family. He lives some distance away from us anyway, so celebratory visits usually entail an overnight stay. DD lives nearer to us, with SiL and GS, so their birthdays are usually an excuse to go out for a meal somewhere, as are ours.

I live 300 miles from my DC and GC
We always exchange cards and phone calls and send present or vouchers to each other and maybe have a meal out when I visit. There is always a family lunch with DDs in-laws including cousins etc. If I lived near by I would be invited too. It was the same when my parents were alive. I'm sorry this isn't the same for many of the OPs. I now feel so well blessed.

I don't expect to be included. This is their birthday - they can't remember what I went through!!!!- and I'm happy for them to choose how they wish to spend it. They get a card and a present and know I'm thinking of them. That, to me, is what matters.