I woud hate my children to be in the same position.....

Sp. psychiatric

Thank you for your very supportive answers. Nannarose, you are right about the resistance to move her to another home. My husband and his sister (who is not well off) are the sole supporters and share the costs but neither want to destabiliser her any more by moving her.
As so often there are multiple layers to situations. In this case the local council run homes have a poor reputation (one was highlighted last year for abuse to the elderly) and others, like a possible phsychiatric home (her dementia is worsening) is a long distance away.
My husband and my SiL want her to stay where she is........so there is another 'layer' to my anxiety...... I have no influence on their decision and, in all honesty, I would probably feel the same if it was my mother.

Feeling very much for you Silverlining47,a very difficult position indeed.
Sadly I have no advice though I am sure there will be many GN`s whom can happily point you in the right direction.
This simply cannot continue as it is for sure.

No LEGAL resposibility but some feel a moral resposibility.If we cant care for our elderly in our own homes we want to make sure they are cared for as best they can be.
I understand that completely...my mum was looked after by us.We had a teenager and a 5 year old when dad died so having her live with us wouldn't have worked .I still felt I needed to make sure she was well looked after.My mum only lived for 12 years after dad died so I dont know how we would have managed for another 10or 20 years and my sympathy goes out to you.It must be very difficult to reconsider your MIL 's care.Make sure you get as much information as possible before making a decision and try not to stress a ssquite often theres an answer there its just that no one has taken the time to point it out to us .

I agree that, unless there has been some specific arrangement between her and your husband, then you need to talk to the care home and Social Services.
However, I wonder if the 'blackmail' is around the fact that she might need to be moved if she went on to council funding?
However, I do think it makes sense to do your own costings around your own lives, otherwise you may, as you point out, perpetuate the problem. It may be helpful to think 'When MiL was fit and well, what would she have wanted us to do?'

You do NOT have to pay for MIL's care - no way! Talk to social services right now before you fritter away any more of your precious and much-needed savings.

I used to work in this field as a SW - you do NOT have to pay!!!

Agree with all the above.

Or try AgeUk. If your mother in law has no money it is not your responsibility to pay her fees.

Silver I really feel for you because funding care is a nightmare but if your MiL has exhausted her own funds she is entitled to financial support to pay for her care. You need your own money or else your DC will be facing the same problem in the future. CAB or the Alzheimer’s Society can help you to get some uplift.

Silverlining there is no legal compulsion to pay for your MiL's care. However Social Services are skilled at emotional blackmail that leads to people 'volunteering' to make additional payments by suggesting to then that not making the payments would demonstrate how little they really care for their parents and by describing how their relation will suffer as a result of their unwillingness to pay.

If that has happened to you then screw all your moral courage to the sticking point and tell Social Services that you can no longer make the payments, not from lack of love but because you cannot afford it.

Silverlining , I cant offer any advice but can totally understand your worry.

I hope you don’t mind me asking but what would happen if you stopped paying ( or even couldn’t pay)? I’ve not been in this position but I just wondered .