Welcome to the new Argy Bar and cafe, abandon hope all ye who enter here.?

Oh it's fine Doodle, the "boys" screamed because they caught sight of the ferrets dancing around the cellar in their new clothes, they're not used to ferrets and suchlike.
I think it was Day who germolened them up, you'd better check if she used the right ointment.
But now they're behind the bar! Bare chests glistening! by heck they're a sight for sore eyes ?!
And my eyes are sore, someone just flung a rock hard pie at my head. Jagerbomb please Trev!!!!

There's quite a lot of screaming coming from the cellar buffy. Are you sure you tended their bits with germolene and not germaloids the haemorrhoids cream....that might sting a bit? Those pies have very sharp edges, we don't want our boys harmed. How about we stuff some baked potatoes down their pants instead? We could even let them cool off a bit first ?

Lemon!
We haven't started with the "enhancement" yet, so I don't know what's going on with you and Maureeeece!
I need to put my feet up, I'll just have a Jagerbomb Cocktail or two, I've given my wellies a hosing down so they're fine. ?

Oooh, Is that a pie in your pants pocket or are you just pleased to see me Maureeeece?

Good idea Day! We need to enhance our other customers to entice the trollops away from Trevor and Thor.
I get some pies from the bin Deli on the way back from the Sewage Works.
If we stuff one up each arm of their jumpers and of course one or two down their pants, that should do it.
I love a cunning plan!

Ahhh. That would explain Maureeese's bulges Meno. When he had his strip interview the other day he wasn't half as well-endowed. I must say, stale cheese and onion pies can give a man a certain je ne sais quoi.

Can you get another supply from the bin erm, your deli, Buffy?

We could hand them out at the door and insist the weedier of our male customers (most of them) use them to pad out their outfits.

It might make them appear a little more desirable? We have to divert attention from Thor and Trev. I mean, we won't get a look in soon with all the trollops three deep at the bar. swooning.

Good job you were around to stop the pie fight Day, some of the women that the boys have attracted are a bit feisty rough we could do with a burly doorman.
Where's ffin gone with her surly demeanor and face tatoos?
She could sort them out with a glowering stare.

I thought Maureeese had hidden the pies in his trousers when I saw him!

I popped in late tonight on my way home from the knees up at the Palais. Thought I'd have a quick one, but... I hate to tell you this Buffy the locals weren't fighting over the rock hard pies - they were fighting WITH them. It was like a war zone!

Poor Trevor and Thor - they looked very shocked and both said they hadn't realised the Argy was such a rough dive down to earth establishment when they signed up.

Both had received cuts and grazes from the stale pies so being the angel of mercy wot I am, I took time out from redrafting our Theresa's EU deal for her, and tended to our poor boys. They had to strip down so I could see where to rub the Germolene.

I think they are all right. Boris popped his head round the corner and said the pie-chucking riot was nothing compared to the fights that went on at his last place of work. Maureeese, meanwhile (loitering outside in , it has to be said, a very tight pair of jeans which left nothing to the imagination, and his best string vest and bandana) collected up the missiles/ pies - like rocks they were - and said he boil them up and make a tureen of soup for the Argy. He'd very much like to be the Argy's Betty Turpin, with his cheese and onion pasty soup, but only on a Wednesday. I told him not to get his hopes up.

Now, I just have to check on our brave barmen. I told them to keep their skirts and jeans off as there could be a risk of infection to their pie wounds. I think they need me to apply some more Germolene to their wounded bits...I think it would be advisable for me to lockkeep them in the cellar tonight. I have told them the plan. I don't think they are strong enough to walk home.

Now they are quivering. Why????

Could it be post traumatic shock do you think?

You got me "bang to rights" Doodle, they were outa the bin at the back of Soop's but whata waste!
Our lot don't mind a bit of rock hard pie and if they don't sell we can bung'em in that hold in the cellar, like you said.
If I know the Argy though, they'll be fighting over them.

I'm sorry buffy but no way did those pies and cakes come from the kitchen. I know that lot well and not one crumb would be left (especially after I've been in). You got them out of the bin at the back didn't you? They are well past their 'use me as a doorstop date' in other words rock hard. I think the best thing to do with them would be to use them to brick up that hole in the cellar so it's not so cold. That way lemon won't need to keep dressing up the ferrets. I caught one of the punters chatting up that ferret wearing the sparkly dress. I think he thought he was onto a good thing ??

I've called in Soop's on the way back from work, well not "in" exactly, they made me stand at the door. They're a bit posh in there, won't have folk in who wear wellies.
She gave me some leftover cheese and onion pies and a couple of cakes.
Trevor and Thor can sell them tonight!
Big Jim is upset about Boris getting the boot.
He said his knees aren't what they were, after years of Marydoll!

We may have to move Boris on..... I know he is working for food only, but the fridge is empty and all the haggis pasties
Have gone, so have the jars of peanuts, the pilchard sarnies and the tray of whelk horses doovers.

Sorry, I have taken to dressing the ferrets up, they seem to like it! I have made several sparkly dresses and two pairs of denim dungarees for them, an evening jacket, a few tshirts and knitted little jumpers in Christmas colours.
The cellar can be a bit on the cold side.

Wondered what that smell was

Thank goodness for that, it's just scuttled off down into the cellar.
I'll have a Drambuie Shandy then I'm off to the Sewage works, I bought myself some new Wellies on the Market, my others leaked a bit. ?

That is a real ferret, I haven't finished my 'angel' yet

I've bought a few baubles cheap on the Market, the guy selling them said they were "hot" and had fell off the back of a lorry.
Awww! Look, our tree looks beautiful....
What the heck is that hideous thing on top?????
It looks like a stuffed ferret in a sparkly dress!

Theres angels and theres angels, so to be clear I'm making something for the top of the tree where the angel sits. And yes ok I'm drunk again!

Meno it won’t be a surprise because you have told us.....it’s an angel! Are you drunk again?

buffy a fringe is on your forehead what you have trimmed is more akin to ....a sporran ? . Let's just hope you haven't cut off anything essential!

I've brought "the boys" back.
They were so full after their big Dinner, they fell asleep in front of the fire.
Thor singed his hair so I had to trim it a bit, his fringe might be a bit wonky.?

And we haven't seen Buffy since, should we be worried or jealous?
Anyway good work everyone on our new recruits, I'm sure they will be good for business until they are worn out one way or another, we are not very good at keeping men here for some reason, anyway if they keep us amused until the new year we've done well.
Btw I'm making an angel for the Xmas tree in the bar. I'm not saying what it's going to be, it'll be a surprise but it's very tasteful!

Our new "boys" have just got back from the gym, they needed to work on their abs and pecs whatever they are.
They're very hungry and I daren't feed them a Haggis Pasty so I'm taking them home for a Rib Eye Steak and chips. ?
Boris is holding the fort.
I will return them in an hour.

Well I did say to him, "is that a hammer in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?" ?