Fear of rejection

Maw, and others who feel like this - there must be so many of us who are similar.
I've felt better in shops etc. since I read (on GN?) the best way to approach a counter with a query, especially if complaining. 'I hope you can help me' preferably with a smile.
But what do I know? I have far too many days when I don't get out. After chatting to people I often think I've talked too much and said stupid things. Sometimes I have!
The companionship on here is much appreciated ?

There's nothing wrong with asking nicely. I know from friends who work in call centres (not sales ones) that people who call and ask nicely for help with eg energy bills or Internet problems are far more likely to be given more friendly attention and help. The, 'I wonder if,' approach can work very well.
However, you can still unleash your dragon persona if required but they don't need to know that.
It's sad to hear that so many of you fear rejection. I agree with you others that MawBroon is still coming to terms with a rather different life. I'm sure that every one of us would love to meet up with her for coffee. And cake. And lunch. And a glass of wine. And - well any excuse for a blether. Any chance of coming up to see us all here in Edinburgh?

I'm like that too Maw It's not just you. I am worst with my daughter. She has lots of friends and things going on and every time I suggest we do something together she is always busy, broke or something. I have stopped asking now as I feel so hurt. I know lots of people who are always having get togethers/celebrations. We don't really as I assume no one would come. My DH is always telling me to contact people but I always think no one would want to see me (which I know isn't true really as I have quite a few ladies who I meet up with for lunch etc). I also do that 'is it convenient/are you busy/I can call back' thing when I ring people. Never mind - the meek shall inherit the earth (that's if it's OK with everyone else)

Like others I also find it hard asking for help or even ringing someone for a chat or invite for coffee. Yet when DH was ill I had no problem speaking up if I thought he wasn't getting the treatment he needed.

I don't ring friends as I always think they are probably too busy and I don't want to interrupt them, as a result, of course people think I am stand offish and don't ring me - it's a vicious circle.

If most of the people you know are still twosomes or very involved with family you can feel the odd one out after losing your partner. Things like suggesting lunch with a friend or even with family carry with them a feeling that people might say yes when actually it’s not convenient just because you are now a sort of “poor relation”.

I hated to be pitied or be seen as an obligation so I very much went through what you are going through now. It is a stage. For me it lasted about a year until a major holiday disaster meant I sued the firm responsible and hey presto my confidence was back!

Only dealing with officialdom though. I’m still a hesitant wimp when it comes to inviting people or imposing myself on them.

Are you being over sensitive.? Of course. You have lost your life partner. Everything hurts

I suspect it is not having Paw in the background! Even if you have done it all lately there is something comforting about knowing someone is on your side - so another part of grieving as sus says.

But, we know you are strong and will come through this.

It must be very difficult to try to cope with everything on your own after bereavement - we may think we are 'copers' but finding the confidence to tackle everything on your own must be very difficult. Not having anyone there who can talk through things with you makes it hard.



Perhaps trying to show confidence will mean that you will not be treated as 'a mere woman' and have tradespeople trying to pull the wool over your eyes (which I am sure you won't let them do, but they may think they could iyswim).

If your friends can't make coffee, lunch, etc, it's not a rejection - it's because they can't make that day and I'm sure that real friends will be able to make an alternative date, just have a few earmarked in the diary to suggest.

MAW I think it’s possibly yet another stage of grief, your world is out of kilter and finding yourself having to deal with things without the backup and support of your DH.

I don’t think we realise how much we rely on our OHs until we lose them.

It doesn’t take much to lose our confidence and I’m sure you will get yours back very soon.

Be patient and kind to yourself.

Meanwhile here’s some flowers to cheer you up??

I have for over forty years had to speak up for myself , never a problem until last year, criticism was rained down on me and squashed me. Last week the refuge collectors left the wheelie bin plonk in front of the front door, I have a baby gate there in case the dogs do a runner, so bin against baby gate, I couldn't open the gate, phone refuge dept and started with - I hope it's alright to ring you but ! Phoned HMRC for brother and started with ' I hope I haven't rung at a very busy time'. Phone chemist for repeat script, ' sorry to bother you but' . I am so angry with myself .

Your confidence will return Maw, it's the change from 'we' to 'me' . My love x

Oh Panache you put my worries in the shade.
Thinking about it, I was always able to ask/demand/ “kick ass “ as necessary on Paw’s behalf - no fear of being turned down there, it’s always easier on somebody else's behalf.
I wonder if it is to do with not having somebody else to think about, it has only been 5 months and I am not used to being a “free agent”.

MawBroon you have now touched upon the great elephant that has haunted me through out my now rather long life...........and the sad fact is,however much I have worked at overcoming rejection I seem to find it in far too many areas of my life and it truly is wearing me down.............more so now as my health is at rock bottom and I have far too much time on my hands so simply tend to go through past hurtful times with a tooth pick.

Without wishing to hog your posting I will briefly put you in the picture as to why I postively quake at any rejection.
At the age of just 10 weeks I was totally abandoned by my well to do parents whom had a farm and son,this obviously was the root of my insecurities.
My so called "Father" years later refused to visit me when I was once on my death bed in Hospital,on his death all his estate and monies went to other members, I had not a penny.
He never contributed one penny to my upkeep from that first 10 weeks of life.
My first husband abandoned me after a 4 month time in Hospital,having gambled away all our savings losing us our first little home ......as well as losing a husband of course
My sister whom I met only 50 years later, chose friends at her Wedding whilst both my husband and I were not even invited.
That seriously hurt as we had I thought become close sisters.
The list goes on and on and believe you me,there is nothing pleasant about it.
Yes I have fought long and hard through immensely trying circumstances...........4 bouts of cancer at 42 and continuous big health issues since.
Losing our opportunity to move into a Retirement Apartment TWICE has most recently set me back yet again.
Where ever I turn rejection seems to slap me in the face.

I think probably in your case you are highly over sensitive having lost your beloved OH.......quite recently I believe....and so every single area of your life you question as you obviously are a very proud lady.
I have no answers, but please know I do understand and feel for you.I can but hope it all gets better as you again learn to strengthen your stance on life.

Oh how I sympathise with you Maw. I tell myself why am I still like this after having a job I was good at and bringing up two decent well-educated daughters virtually on my own but I still feel humble and expect rejection . A friend who said she felt the same said it's a sort of comfort thing, you expect rejection and aren't surprised if it happens (which is rarely the case) and are so pleased when you don't get knocked back (which is more likely).

I think that we are all like this in one degree or another, but we are better/worse at covering it up. I do think teetime's advice is good.

I expect that it feels more pronounced when you are on your own as the answer matters more - e.g. when asking someone to lunch.

My OH is the same and when he speaks to a plumber about coming out to mend something it is almost "I wonder if you would mind awfully doing me the favour of coming to look at X?" I tease him and say "How do you think this guy earns his living? - we are paying him!!!"

Good luck with overcoming this - I a sure you will

Well what I do is pretend I am someone else more confident than me. I knew someone called Mary (not real name) who could always manage these situations with aplomb but without any kind of aggressiveness just very assertive so I did what Mary would do. Also one boss that I had when she picked this up in my appraisal earlier in my career said one word 'ACT'. It works not 100% but it certainly works. Good Luck.