Fear of rejection

I still say thank you to ATMs for giving me my money

Kircubbin2000 Paw is/was my DH of 47 years who died last November.
Coast35 I don’t have a problem with complaining and find it easy to be friendly and even self deprecating as it is sometimes my own fault!
Like when I went through the Joint account at the branch cancelling some of Paws direct debits because no longer relevant and changing others . That included cancelling his Life Insurance so I was very upset, alternating with incandescent to get a letter from them asking if I had intended to cancel and if I wanted to reinstate payments. I had informed them of his death of course, with a Death certificate to start the process of the claim.
Anyway they listened to my tears and assured me it was an automatically computer generated letter and apologised profusely.
It was only another week later when I found out I had also cancelled my own insurance (oops) as the monthly premium was for both of us. So I rang back full of apologies and with a large portion of humble pie, got the same girl, apologised profusely and she was lovely, understanding why my thought processes had been a bit scrambled.
The “fear of rejection” element is more tied up with not wanting to appear needy.
But thank you and others for your observations.

I know how you feel too. The best advice I ever got was from my first boss who told me to chant in my head “you are as good as the rest and better than some”. It helps me to this day. Also remember that whoever you are talking to is a mother/father daughter/son and that they have worries of their own. Why not start humbly and with humour if you can, especially with complaints. The I’m not sure way often brings the help you need. That way you are turning a disadvantage into an advantage.

Who is Paw?

I am sure this is part of the grieving process and general tiredness after all the caring

Maw, yes you do come across on here as being strong, worldly wise and confident and even when you differ with others you are never rude, unlike some I could mention ! It is early days for you, plus I think that as we age, none of us want to be a nuisance to others, or want others to think we are needy. I think I start most texts or calls to meet up with “ if you’re not busy” ... so as not to put others on the spot. Be gentle on yourself and your strength will return slowly but surely ... it’s who you are as a woman.

Maw, I’m sure (I really hope) it’s part of the grieving process. I was always the assertive one in our marriage (DH didn’t like confrontation of any kind) but since he died, 12 months before Paw, I’ve lost all my confidence to the point that I’m in danger of becoming a recluse. It takes a massive effort to go out and I am very reluctant to try to arrange anything in case I am “not wanted”. I do go out, usually on my own to do some food shopping, and I see my DC fairly often, but find myself longing to get back to the sanctuary that is home. I hope things improve for you soon, Maw, hopefully the weather will get better and encourage both of us to get out and about

Rejection, is like playing the slot machines a very random hit and miss affair. Just know that there is a bonus payoff every 5/10/100 chances taken. People buy lottery tickets with much less chance of success.

Teetime got it right at the beginning of this thread. It is just while you adjust to being on your own. With regards to the tradesmen - what does it matter how you phrase the request so long as you make yourself understood. I doubt they will remember your wording, just the polite enquiry.
Someone else has said you can overthink things, and perhaps you've more time to do that at the moment.

Maw, I apologise for writing a post that was all about me. Somehow, knowing that other people had similar feelings, brought it all (almost all) pouring out. Maw, you have lost so much and having to sort things out is making you feel your loss all the more keenly. You never 'get over' bereavements like yours, as well-meaning people will tend to assure you. It becomes part of you, a part that your family also share. You have always struck me as being outgoing and prepared to share your feelings. I'm sure that is one characteristic your family and friends love about you. Now we know that, underneath, you are just as fearful as the rest of us and thank you for sharing it with us.

Pinning a smile can be hard work some days, but I am sure you are right that this is the way forward Maw. It is very interesting how terrier-like we can be on behalf of our loved ones, but find the same assertiveness on our own behalf to be so hard. Perhaps because we feel they deserve it more than we do! - not so, I am sure.

I am also sure that this is a temporary blip and a facet of the grieving process, which is so complex.

Thank you for so many sensitive replies. It is reassuring that Mr Luckygirl (Luckyboy ?) approaches tradesmen in the same way that I do and the quip about the “meek inheriting the earth - if that’s OK with everyone else” is brilliant!
It may well be connected with grieving, or, being on my own, with having more time to “overthink” things. I think the fear of being pitied or regarded as a nuisance or “duty” or an obligation comes into it too.
As I said, when I was doing things on Paw’s behalf, I had no such qualms, it is always easier to do that than for oneself.
Anyway, I am reassured that I am not unique in this and I do try to remember to pin a smile on my face and (inwardly) “whistle a happy tune” - that usually works!

Having reread this thread and your posting MawBroon I had another long think over night and one thing struck me was one similarity I seem to share with you.
Several dear ones whom have obviously known you over a long period remark how unlike this is of you as you appear such a strong,confident person.
Now I get those same remarks and besides having counselled in the disease of Cancer,I have always been the one that others bring their problems........big and small too,a bit of a Marge Proops in fact.Yet within me lies this very real fear of rejection which could well take over my life were I not to try hard to overcome it.
Whilst as you now know I have my personal reasons to feel this way and its been on going virtually all of my life.................you have a very valid reason in the recent and sad loss of your dear Paw.This is a passing phase and there is little wonder you feel this way at this point in your grief.
I feel sure that same strong,confident lady will once again rise tall............but for now just give yourself the due break needed.
You are still in the early stages of recovery and everything is raw.
But now knowing what others think of you must truly help you.
I can but send you some love in the shape of (flowers)

I think it is all part of the grieving process Maw and the huge changes that have occurred.
You will manage - and so will I!
I was pretty ill, we moved, our friendship group got taken over by a controlling couple and we were pushed out, DH was terribly injured by an idiot motorist (and there were a few other things ) and as a result of all these traumas I became introverted and lost my confidence. It helped when I understood what was going on and I have been able to come to terms with most of it although I am still 'a work in progress'. As DD says "stuff happens".

Friend: You should do an assertiveness course.

Me: I've done one.

Friend: You should ask for your money back.

!

Maw, reading your opening post reminded me how often we may appear together sailing along, smooth as a swan on water, whilst we’re paddling like fury under the water so we can stay afloat.
Bereavement, especially after a long time caring for the deceased love one, rocks our foundations, you have got on with it for so long, no wonder you feel a little uncertain about life.
Be gentle with yourself. X

That's what I do Maw--write it down before ringing --
as it was "cheeky" to ask for any thing when I was growing up.++++

Am sure this stage will pass Maw but at the moment almost anything will sap your confidence, it’s only natural.
Start in small ways, think about what you will say before ringing somebody, even write it down if it will help?

Maw, I think this is do more to the great change you have had recently, like walking around after an earthquake, and grief. I am sure it will pass with time.

chicken with few exceptions, you are acting like almost every other confident person in the world. Starting off worried and nervous but putting a good face on it. If you remember that every time you are faced with someone whose confidence feels overwhelming that underneath they are feeling, or used to feel, just like you, your confidence too will improve in leaps and bounds

On the general subject of rejection, I think rejection is part of the normal thread of life, we reject things and are rejected in our turn. Obviously some rejections may be devastating , but mostly they aren't and often being prepared for it enables one to take all kinds of risks. The best jobs I got were the ones I thought I had least chance of getting, but my reaction as I posted the application was, always 'well the worst they can do is reject me.' except of course they didn't.

DD is wanting to change her career at the moment and is sending out job applications for anything she thinks she can do, whether obviously qualified or not on the same basis. The first two applications resulted in interviews.

I am encouraging my 10 year old GD to adopt the same attitude to life. Essentially nothing venture, nothing win.

This is all so familiar to me too, Maw. After being bottom of the heap at school ( youngest in class, hopeless at sport and too academic) I had no self confidence and married for security, hiding behind OH, not being able to have any belief that other people might want to know me. Now in my much later years, I can cope OK on the surface but still have to psych myself up to make those phone calls, make those contacts, make the first move at social events. I don't think there's any magic bullet. I think that you have to don a façade of confidence over that quivering jelly and become an actor--and give yourself a round of applause after the performance. Remember the Julie Andrews song--"Whenever I feel afraid".

So many of these posts ring true for me. I had a happy and secure childhood (despite the war) but at the age of 6, I was taken into hospital, very poorly, with pneumonia and my parents were not allowed to visit, though once they were able to see me through the window. I was a shy child though I didn't make the connection until much later. When I was going through the wounding experience of divorce, I was sitting in the car at traffic lights with tears flowing down my cheeks when suddenly I was a child under red blankets, against big white pillows - right back to that time in hospital. I realised at once, that my fear of rejection went all the way back, thirty years, to my separation from my parents and all my extended family. With the help of a counselling course I was able to understand myself better and began to build my life as a single mum, teacher (mainly of adults) and local politician. I was able to speak in public and make my case forcibly on committees, all too often being made chairman of this and that. My confidence took a big knock when the college where I taught had a round of redundancies and I lost the job I loved - my students were upset too. And I was still a year away from my official retirement age. However, I was still able to take the Ramblers holidays I had enjoyed since the divorce. I moved when I downsized. A group I joined all knew each other well, and although they welcomed me and were very helpful when I had surgery, I have never felt able to break into their circle of friendship. There's the fear of rejection raising its head again. Now, having read this thread, I know I'm not alone. Thank you, everyone. xx

Dear Mawbroon, so sorry you feel like this. If you can make it to our next meeting at Redbridge do come. We would love to see you!

You’ve done so much with Paw as well as for him in more recent times, so experience points to you being a capable and strong woman but you probably don’t feel like you are right now.
Many of us have feelings of insecurity, myself included, that most of the time we manage to manage/conceal/navigate around. But I think when we’re laid bare, as it were, by a major life event/trauma like a bereavement it exposes, exacerbates and highlights all our tender spots. I know that’s what relocating miles from my home of over 30 years did to me - and I chose to do it, goodness knows how I’d be if my old boy wasn’t at my side. You didn’t chose the path you’re on now and hoped it wouldn’t be so, please be kind to yourself as you go. Find your moments to be brave and allow yourself to hunker down when you need to. x ?

Dear maw, This doesn’t sound like you. I usually try to guess the author of a thread before I open it and you were the last person I would have thought of, in this instance.
I think when you have had someone for 50 years to run things past, to tell you when you’re over-reacting, to reassure you in a difficult situation that it’s not your fault, to generally boost your self-esteem in immeasurable little ways, and just to keep you on an even keel, being on your own must be so so hard.
Tell yourself, in the case of inviting people for coffee or lunch or whatever, that the other person will be delighted to see you. You would be pleased if they invited you, wouldn’t you? If they say no, there will be a good reason and they will probably suggest another time. And don’t forget Marje Proops’ timeless advice to the person who was worried that they were never invited to parties - ‘Do you ever give any?’
In the case of professional services, tell yourself you’re just as entitled to those as anyone else.
I hope you feel better soon

I was so surprised to read your post MawBroon You always come across as a strong, confidant person.

I agree it seems to be easier to ask/demand for other people, especially family but when it comes to me I'm a bit 'that's ok you go first' (unless I'm really worked up!)

I'm also bad at picking up the phone, saying it's too early, lunch time, too late etc. feeling I'd be interrupting something more important than me.

As others have said I'm sure you're still getting used to only having to think of yourself and things will get easier in time