Fear of rejection

Friend: You should do an assertiveness course.

Me: I've done one.

Friend: You should ask for your money back.

!

I think it is all part of the grieving process Maw and the huge changes that have occurred.
You will manage - and so will I!
I was pretty ill, we moved, our friendship group got taken over by a controlling couple and we were pushed out, DH was terribly injured by an idiot motorist (and there were a few other things ) and as a result of all these traumas I became introverted and lost my confidence. It helped when I understood what was going on and I have been able to come to terms with most of it although I am still 'a work in progress'. As DD says "stuff happens".

Having reread this thread and your posting MawBroon I had another long think over night and one thing struck me was one similarity I seem to share with you.
Several dear ones whom have obviously known you over a long period remark how unlike this is of you as you appear such a strong,confident person.
Now I get those same remarks and besides having counselled in the disease of Cancer,I have always been the one that others bring their problems........big and small too,a bit of a Marge Proops in fact.Yet within me lies this very real fear of rejection which could well take over my life were I not to try hard to overcome it.
Whilst as you now know I have my personal reasons to feel this way and its been on going virtually all of my life.................you have a very valid reason in the recent and sad loss of your dear Paw.This is a passing phase and there is little wonder you feel this way at this point in your grief.
I feel sure that same strong,confident lady will once again rise tall............but for now just give yourself the due break needed.
You are still in the early stages of recovery and everything is raw.
But now knowing what others think of you must truly help you.
I can but send you some love in the shape of (flowers)

Thank you for so many sensitive replies. It is reassuring that Mr Luckygirl (Luckyboy ?) approaches tradesmen in the same way that I do and the quip about the “meek inheriting the earth - if that’s OK with everyone else” is brilliant!
It may well be connected with grieving, or, being on my own, with having more time to “overthink” things. I think the fear of being pitied or regarded as a nuisance or “duty” or an obligation comes into it too.
As I said, when I was doing things on Paw’s behalf, I had no such qualms, it is always easier to do that than for oneself.
Anyway, I am reassured that I am not unique in this and I do try to remember to pin a smile on my face and (inwardly) “whistle a happy tune” - that usually works!

Pinning a smile can be hard work some days, but I am sure you are right that this is the way forward Maw. It is very interesting how terrier-like we can be on behalf of our loved ones, but find the same assertiveness on our own behalf to be so hard. Perhaps because we feel they deserve it more than we do! - not so, I am sure.

I am also sure that this is a temporary blip and a facet of the grieving process, which is so complex.

Maw, I apologise for writing a post that was all about me. Somehow, knowing that other people had similar feelings, brought it all (almost all) pouring out. Maw, you have lost so much and having to sort things out is making you feel your loss all the more keenly. You never 'get over' bereavements like yours, as well-meaning people will tend to assure you. It becomes part of you, a part that your family also share. You have always struck me as being outgoing and prepared to share your feelings. I'm sure that is one characteristic your family and friends love about you. Now we know that, underneath, you are just as fearful as the rest of us and thank you for sharing it with us.

Teetime got it right at the beginning of this thread. It is just while you adjust to being on your own. With regards to the tradesmen - what does it matter how you phrase the request so long as you make yourself understood. I doubt they will remember your wording, just the polite enquiry.
Someone else has said you can overthink things, and perhaps you've more time to do that at the moment.

Rejection, is like playing the slot machines a very random hit and miss affair. Just know that there is a bonus payoff every 5/10/100 chances taken. People buy lottery tickets with much less chance of success.

Maw, I’m sure (I really hope) it’s part of the grieving process. I was always the assertive one in our marriage (DH didn’t like confrontation of any kind) but since he died, 12 months before Paw, I’ve lost all my confidence to the point that I’m in danger of becoming a recluse. It takes a massive effort to go out and I am very reluctant to try to arrange anything in case I am “not wanted”. I do go out, usually on my own to do some food shopping, and I see my DC fairly often, but find myself longing to get back to the sanctuary that is home. I hope things improve for you soon, Maw, hopefully the weather will get better and encourage both of us to get out and about

Maw, yes you do come across on here as being strong, worldly wise and confident and even when you differ with others you are never rude, unlike some I could mention ! It is early days for you, plus I think that as we age, none of us want to be a nuisance to others, or want others to think we are needy. I think I start most texts or calls to meet up with “ if you’re not busy” ... so as not to put others on the spot. Be gentle on yourself and your strength will return slowly but surely ... it’s who you are as a woman.

I am sure this is part of the grieving process and general tiredness after all the caring

Who is Paw?

I know how you feel too. The best advice I ever got was from my first boss who told me to chant in my head “you are as good as the rest and better than some”. It helps me to this day. Also remember that whoever you are talking to is a mother/father daughter/son and that they have worries of their own. Why not start humbly and with humour if you can, especially with complaints. The I’m not sure way often brings the help you need. That way you are turning a disadvantage into an advantage.

Kircubbin2000 Paw is/was my DH of 47 years who died last November.
Coast35 I don’t have a problem with complaining and find it easy to be friendly and even self deprecating as it is sometimes my own fault!
Like when I went through the Joint account at the branch cancelling some of Paws direct debits because no longer relevant and changing others . That included cancelling his Life Insurance so I was very upset, alternating with incandescent to get a letter from them asking if I had intended to cancel and if I wanted to reinstate payments. I had informed them of his death of course, with a Death certificate to start the process of the claim.
Anyway they listened to my tears and assured me it was an automatically computer generated letter and apologised profusely.
It was only another week later when I found out I had also cancelled my own insurance (oops) as the monthly premium was for both of us. So I rang back full of apologies and with a large portion of humble pie, got the same girl, apologised profusely and she was lovely, understanding why my thought processes had been a bit scrambled.
The “fear of rejection” element is more tied up with not wanting to appear needy.
But thank you and others for your observations.

I still say thank you to ATMs for giving me my money

I am so sorry to read your story Panache. It must be hard to stay objective when all of this has happened to you but try to remember none of this is your fault. You have not contributed to this in any way and it could have happened to any one of us. You are just unlucky to be born into the family you were I am afraid. Try not to allow your past to define your future and don't let it affect how you trust and treat others in the future. Not all people are like your family members.

I'm very much the same. I never ask due to fear of rejection. I think it's because I've got a louder sibling who always 'commandeered' parents to go to hers for Christmas and my late DH had a louder brother who was exactly the same. Of course with them both having children they lived in bigger houses so they had the space. It can't help but make you feel a bit 'second best.'

I have never felt even remotely as good as other people. Sometimes life can get the better of us. I am fortunate that I still have my DH but have lost many, many people and had some awful things happen, as a lot of us have. I have coped and got on with it. A few months ago, I found myself in the GP's office, a quivering, tearful, shaking wreck over something quite trivial. We shouldn't beat ourselves up. It's not easy.

Oh Maw - I opened my laptop this morning and thought, I'm going to write a post about asking for help....and there it was.
A few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with FBC (Fing Breast Cancer). I'm still waiting for the surgery which will be next Monday. In the meantime, my anxiety level is rising exponentially with every day that passes. I saw a therapist, and the one thing she said is "you have to learn to ask for help". I don't even do the "excuse me, if it's no bother, could you please.......?" I just try to do it myself. AND do for everyone else too. And it's not working for me anymore. So I have to practice the magic words "could you help me with ...." It is really really difficult. I have to keep on asking myself "what do you need?" and then find the person and the words to ask for help. I certainly have painted myself into a corner with stoicism ( and a fair dose of martyrdom, tbh).

Will,someone please tell me what PAW means?

Paw was Maw's dearly beloved DH. Read up thread to see Maw's answer to that very same question asked just a short while ago.

I haven't read all the posts so hope I'm not repeating what others have said. I think you are feeling very insecure after losing Paw you is how it manifests itself. Hopefully you will gradually feel more confident. I don't have any answers, sorry.

Oh Maw,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My own DH is going through many health issues and I often ask myself ' how will I face the world on my own without my DH....the love of my life and the one person who always has my back?'
So, coming from me, the person who's never been there (and possibly has no clue) I can only say this:

From your charmingly witty, entertaining, wise posts, you already seem to have the tools you need at your disposal. Perhaps you've lost a little bit of courage. There is no shame in letting your guard down now and then or to put yourself out there, especially when you expect the worst. Lower your expectations and who knows? You may be pleasantly disappointed!

We Humans have a built in resilience that somehow gets us through the worst in life. You are still reeling from your loss however, and even the most resilient among us must often struggle to find a way forward.

So, here's to time....and may it heal your insecurities and help you find what you need to prevail in life.

Hugs, Willa

'Speaking' of being assertive, I have a request/comment.
Instead of posting asking other people to explain things to you, perhaps you could try reading back through the thread to discover these things for yourselves.
If you don't have time to do this, why would you assume that anyone else has time to answer your queries?
Sending some of my "zero to bitch in 0.01 seconds" your way Maw, I have plenty to spare! X

Ditto to most that has been said MAW. I do same myself too like always starting conversations saying “sorry to bother you” when am asking a plumber to sort my blocked drains for instance. It’s a basic flaw on my part as I hate asking for help. BUT I do it! Fear of rejection is part and parcel of my life and I’ve learnt to live with it!

BTW to previous poster I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to query acronyms. I have struggled with some on here too. ?