What would you do

leopards don't change their spots..........she'll never change

Everyone should read the quote by Daniell Koepke 'Toxic People'. We ALL have someone toxic in our lives....the art is recognising it. Then we have choices to make...do we have nothing to do with this person, or can we limit our time?? We are only treated how we allow people to treat us. This woman has betrayed you twice...bin her. Look around for some groups to join to make new friends...maybe the W.I? You deserve better and this female will only betray you again...she has no concept of loyalty or friendship x

I would not go near this person again. Save yourself more grief. Your DH is right!!

Why would you want to let someone back into your life who abused your trust? Just say no and say to yourself ` I am not a doormat to be walked over by people`.

She's a parasite, not a friend. The fact she can make herself seem supportive and attractive is just her way of getting close so she can sucker punch you yet again. Don't do it!

This woman is a danger to you. Kick her out of your life for ever.

Why not write her a letter telling her why you never want to see her again? Telling her that you have no intention of being pulled into her environment again. Make sure that you do not sound weak in the letter, don’t mention your difficulty trusting people because of her, that will only make her feel powerful.
Just be clear emotionless and firm, but not cruel, you do not want to stoop to her level.
Spend a long time on the letter reread it over a few days before sending it. Ask your partner to read it. Only when you feel you have covered all the points should you send it. And make it clear this is the last correspondence you are going to have with her, anything she sends will be returned unread, any attempts at meeting will be declined through a third party.
Use this letter as a way of cleansing yourself of her malignant force. If after writing it all down you may not even need to send it that is up to you.

I think your 'friend' is needy of the strokes other people give her which is probably why she betrayed you with the bully the first time. You don't say what she did the second time but the fact that she is wanting you back in her life, even going so far as to send her husband round, just shows how needy she is. If it were me, I would send a polite note to say that you remember the good times with affection but do not feel able to continue with a relationship where the trust has been damaged beyond repair. I would also add that I had no desire to enter into a dialogue as there would be nothing to be gained but that I wished her well for the future.
That way you have drawn your line in the sand, negated a reason for her to continue to harass you but ended the whole process on a positive note. I had to do this with a family member who I remain civilly polite to when I cannot avoid an important family even but there is no doubt in that person's mind that I mean what I say and intend to stick to it.
Well done to your husband for looking out for your best interests too. Mine was the same, he would have stood by me if I had been foolish enough to give more chances but helped me to stay strong when I missed what I thought I had.

Might you invite her round and be there with a friend, tell her face to face how you feel and ask her not to contact you ever again? Your supporting friend to escort her to the door when you choose. I think she needs to be told.

She has hurt you twice so although it may be petty, why give her a third chance? It would be 'bigger' to forgive but should you? I should think she jolly well is sorry for her behaviour and as had been already mentioned, she needs you more than you need her. Has she treated others badly so is falling back to you as they've dropped her too? 'Get knotted' is a very 'to the point' response. It's up to you, but don't be a doormat.

Do these 'betrayals' consist solely of being a bit of a gossip? Maybe she passed on unkind things YOU had said about other people?

Do not let this person back into your life.I would class her ' unstable' and is taking sick pleasure knowing she causes you distress.No 'friend' would do this to you.

ruthiek:
Your post reminds me of an old saying "Fool me once, shame on You! ....Fool me twice, shame on Me!" Or as Einstein once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result"
.....I hope you got my gist.

Your husband is the one you can trust, so take his advice. This woman is not your friend! She's already proven it (twice).

Some people are so morally corrupted that they 'get off' by toying with the lives of others. She just wants to have another go at you, so why would you allow her to do that? I would ignore her overtures and write her off, permanently .... and no explanations either!

Unanimous replies.

I have an in law who the family didn't like but I stood up for over many years, then she treated me badly so I withdrew. At times I am tempted to visit, but then I think I don't trust her and any conversation would be difficult.

As there are other family members I do send cards and e mails about family matters but addressed to the whole family not her.

I feel sad about the situation and even guilty about not being able to overcome my distrust If she wasn't a relative I would never have been friends with her.

So ruthiek I think how ever difficulty it maybe listen to the gransnetters.

Everyone deserves a second chance but definitely not a third! She has shown you her true colours - twice. You most certainly deserve better!

Two strikes and you're out is a good motto to consider

From what you say it seems that this was not just a case of this person being indiscreet but that you see what she has done as a "betrayal" in that it was a deliberate, and possibly malicious, act.

Whatever the circumstances, it would be difficult to maintain a friendship with someone you have lost trust in and who you feel doesn't have your best interests at heart.

So much wisdom here. My first thoughts were :- DH is right, Merlotgran was spot on. Eleanor Roosevelt's "Do it to me once shame on you, do it to me twice shame on me" came straight to my mind too.

I think over the years many of us (I know I have) given people more chances than was healthy or safe so I'm please you are asking this question. I hope you get what you need from these responses.

It's a sad situation and you clearly have been very hurt, probably are still feeling hurt so IMHO it's time to take care of yourself, keep yourself and your life safe.

Keep this person out of your life, keep yourself from any future hurt.

Wishing you all the best and some lovely friends to add to your existing family and friends.

Definitely NO. Please move on, she is not worthy of you x

Just forget her, she's horrible.

She does not sound like someone to let back into your life, especially at a time when you have to look after yourself.

It's sad when this happens but my advice to you is to say a very firm NO.
You could consider writing a letter telling of your disgust and feeling of betrayal by her, not once but twice. Tell her that you have decided that, because trust is important, your health is important and she has shown that she cannot be trusted, you no longer consider her a friend and don't want her to contact you again under any circumstances.
If you give in and agree to see her, she then has the upper hand and is very likely to manipulate you further, knowing that however badly she treats you, that you will go back for more.
If you want to be abused in this way then go ahead but I think you'd be the biggest fool to do so.
She's pulling the strings and you are the puppet.
Tell her to get lost and if she persists, then report her to the police as that is harassment.
Who knows, she might even be telling 'the bully' all about you and you willingness to be friends whatever the cost. Do you want to be laughed at?
Why not meet other people who deserve your friendship?
Remind her, in the letter, that you don't want her (or anyone else calling on her behalf) to come to your home or contact you in any way.
Be firm, be confident and don't give her the stick of friendship to beat you with.
Let us know how things turn out and remember that you can always rely on GN to support you in any way we can.
Take care

She has betrayed your trust not once but twice. I think she needs you more than you need her. I wonder if she has done this to other people and now finds herself lonely because of this behaviour. I don,t think I would be able to have someone as a good friend again if they had done this to me, and sending her partner round after you had ignored her text to persuade you seems a bit desperate. Think of how poorly this has made you before and bear this in mind before making your decision.

Gransnetters never fail to impress me with their wisdom.
Just to reiterate some of it. You miss the friend you thought she was. She will let you down again for sure. Listen to your husband, he saw how hurt you were before and wants to protect you.
Keep on saying no until she crawls back under her stone

Thing is, you miss having her friendship but when you think about it, she was never your friend.
Ignore her.
However, don’t let that put you off making new friends. There are lots of truly lovely people out there so don’t let her stupidity spoil things for you further.