Difficult daughter in law

You’re absolutely right. Nearly everyone on this forum resonates with how I feel and what to do moving forward.
I have decided to start living my life and doing things with our other 2 children. In turn they tell their brother about the family lunches etc. The usual sibling rivalry comes out and he and his family are joining us for Easter Sunday lunch. ( it’s a start) They we’re invited but didn’t come to a 40th party. A lot of our sons friends went.. so I think he wants to not miss out again. He may have told his wife to buck up to. As they say time heals. I still think she’s a very odd girl though. More unsure of herself than anything else plus a bit of a princess in some aspects. Without our physical help and DS at work all day she may be rethinking her behaviour. It’s a bit lonely without support.

I was talking generally. People seem to want to separate the family whether it’s the dil or mil or anyone else. It’s the children who are hurt by this . The adults in the situation should try and resolve the problem as quickly as possible and the children shouldn’t be dragged into it at all and should be able to carry on their relationship with their grandparents as before. It’s the adults at fault normally started by one person who has controlling issues

I don't hate my DIL! I just don't understand why its all so hard!

More like DILFH . The children do suffer and the mothers of the grandchildren should think about what their actions are doing to their own children in the long run. There’s always consequences . Why do people hate each other so much these days?

MILFH = Mother In Law From Hell!

MILFH...what does that mean? Sorry for your situation Amry64

Sad to read all these posts, but comforting in a strange way as I was also told at Christmas I was not allowed to see my GC. I have struggled to understand as I thought we got on well. When my OH was alive we used to babysit regularly and had a good relationship. DiL sees her own mother and family everyday. When my DiL called me a MILFH I thought it was a joke! I have never criticised or commented negatively - we paid for their wedding, and paid their mortgage for several years. Is it a coincidence that when the funding stopped (as I retired from work) then the contact gradually ceased? They have not been in contact with my other sons. I have seen my DS recently who says that if he tries to do anything DiL is not happy with, she can be violent and threatens to leave and take the children away. I have backed off as it seemed the better way. I just hope that when the GC are older they will decide for themselves to get in touch - if I am still here. I do send pocket money, and cards and gifts for birthdays. I live in hope for a better future for all estranged grandparents.

Gigi57, you will see that there are many of us with DIL problems and that no one thing will work to resolve issues. its a common thread and i believe on Mumsnet its a common thread to have MIL issues! I hope it gives you some comfort to see that you are not alone and no its not you ( Westerley wind also) and Cuckoo22 my heart breaks for you. Its a generational thing i think, where respect for parents on both sides seems difficult! and maybe as for my DIL there are some mental health issues like depression. my son is wonderful but wont rock the boat (its been 13 years of issues! ). my younger son says that men these days have to stand up and be counted and gave his best friend that advice which seemed to prevent a problem in his family, he spoke gently & wisely to both his wife and his MIl and said thy were both important and to work it out. I applaud him, my son hasnt done that but we stay in touch, i see the GC every so often( which they believe incidentally is adequate! ) They are a different generation and have different beliefs about the role og grandparents, I too lent them money for a house deposit but it makes little difference.Some years have been better than others re access depending on the parents needs. As they live over 200 miles away i haven't had to commit to childcare which must be awful when these things happen and a real bond has formed. i do send letters to the kids and i do speak to them on the phone, they are 13 and 10 now so they also phone or text me on odd occasions which helps me. So you cant change what others do GIGI57 but you can change how you respond. I would say, stay in there in some way, tell your son you love him and i certainly don't think your DD was wrong my youngest son has stood up for me also to his brother ( perhaps it might have been better to speak to her brother too) But what is done is done, cutting yourself off completely will not make you happy but also making it dominate your life will have the same effect. I wish you well. Let's hope time will change things for you. x

If her own mother says she is difficult and spoilt no wonder she is wary of her mil. A lot of the fault will lie with her own mother. Suggest being very nice indeed to her - ignore her faults however difficult that is to do. In the end it's your relationship with your son and GC that matters.

Say after me - She is a really nice person who has had problems with her own mother, poor thing.

I think your son needs to stand up to his wife or he is going to have a pretty miserable life ahead could you not go to the house and just when DIL is alone and speak to her woman to woman remind her she too will be a MIL one day

I feel sad about this. I've been in a position for the last 3 years when I haven't seen my twin grandchildren and their step sister. It was very difficult for 3 years before that to get to see them, though still did manage it occasionally. My son's ex, their mother, has made life impossible on so many levels - ultimately my son has had a breakdown and he doesn't seen the kids either now. I note that many gransnetters suggest 'talking' - I hope this works but have found that unfortunately it has made little difference in my case. Talking does tend to rely on all parties being reasonable! Good Luck - I really hope you can resolve some of the issues.

I think for a mother to say that her daughter "has always been a pain in the neck and spoilt" suggests a less than loyal and loving mother/daughter relationship. It isn't really a very nice thing to say about your daughter, even if it is sincerely felt. And if this young woman is "spoilt", whose fault is that?

It is wrong of your daughter in law to stop you seeing the grandchildren. I would leave things alone for a while and hope things settle down.

A number of people knocking Gigi’s DD for speaking out, but she has also been on the receiving end of this woman’s passive aggressive behaviour so why shouldn’t she eventually react?

quizqueen just because it is not referred to does not mean that sons are wusses as you put it. Things are so much more complicated than that!

I haven’t been able to speak to, or see my grandchildren since 2016. I have only managed to speak to my son, for just over 3 minutes, since last August. I have been as laid back, quiet and non confrontational as possible over the last 10 years, but slowly, slowly I’ve also been pushed out. I just keep sending cards for everyone on their birthdays and Christmas. I put money away instead of presents now, in the hope I one day will be able to restore contact. It’s all we can do. Just let them all know you love them and want to see them. Let them know you are always there. I also write a letter to my grandchildren on their birthdays, just saying I love them, hope to see them, am thinking of them and what I have been doing in the year. I keep them in a box, ( I don’t know if they have moved as there is no landline there now, and it’s not near enough for me to go and see) ,so that one day they might know about me. I’ve had a lot of support from Gransnet, sad as it is for us all, it’s good to know we are not alone and it’s not our fault.

I am also in this position only it is not my DIL it is my own DDs. They only seem to want to have use of me and things I have. If I am not babysitting or providing money I am not spoken to. Recently I had a scary hospital appointment and I asked DD to come with me. I have been babysitting around 30 hours per week. I thought surely she would come to the appointment with me. She didn't yet next day despite suffering from side effects of the appointment she arrived to drop DGC for babysitting. I also noticed that I never have social time with DD, just dashing to drop or pick up DGC barely a word passes. I didn't babysit and have not been spoken to since.
I also have a reasonably new person in my life. This person has DC and DGC. We are not married and not talking about it either but unofficially I am a stepM and step MIL. I seem to manage fine with that family and have been on social outings with them.
I don't know where I went wrong. I hate it when other people say my DDs are awful people although they do have some characterful traits and are very trying. I don't think they were this bad before they left home.
I am no longer trying to make contact. I don't know what will happen in the future. I just wish my DCs could be as communicative and friendly as the other family.

This is my first post on here but I'm in this situation too. Having spent my whole working life as a childminder I'm very rarely allowed to see my granddaughter (and then for only a short time, supervised) and haven't even seen my 5 week old grandson yet. I always expected to be a hands on helpful grandma (like my mum was) - this couldn't be further from the truth. It's so sad.

More complaints about d-in-laws!! Yes, some may be difficult but I would put the blame firmly on the sons' shoulders for not caring enough to sort out whatever problems there are. They need to stand up to their partners and insist that his family are just as important and should have good access to the GC unless there any good reasons for this not to happen.
Have you all raised a generation of male wusses!! The same with m-in-laws' problems, the husband should be sorting them out too so there is a happy middle ground.

Thank you all for great suggestions. Our DIL has never been easy when she started dating our son, she told us that she doesn’t cook clean wash or iron. So our daughter was the one who joked with everyone at this family function that she was marrying the wrong person as her brother wasn’t a millionaire... our daughter meant it as a joke unfortuneatly it was a bit of a disaster between our DIL and our daughter. That was 6 years ago.. I have spoken to our son but he says they are busy. As for seeing them I have tried. Our other daughter had a baby recently I rang our son and he promised to go visit her in hospital but not one word. I also asked our other daughter to try and mend bridges but she feels that we all walk on egg shells around her.
She does odd things at our youngest daughters wedding 2 years ago. The wedding meal was a set menu but she insisted on ordering off a menu. We had 110 guests.. It was awkward for everyone...
I think I have exhausted all avenues except writing a letter...
How do you handle people who are extremely sensitive but also very selfish... I’m just so torn as is my husband

Something similar. She hasn't spoken to other son or his wife for a year. Discovered today what it is about and if son apologises for what he said I wonder will that fix it. If not we can't enjoy birthdays or Xmas as she comes to the parties and cuts the couple dead. Imagine holding such a bitter grudge for so long over something never meant to offend!

My mother was similarly very quick to take offence and could hold a grudge for years with no real justification, including not speaking to a very kind neighbour for nearly 20 years. After my father died, when she was 65, she was diagnosed with chronic depression, eventually got the right medication and changed almost overnight. Such a relief to us all and so sad that Dad had had to put up with this for so long and didn't see the change. He looked after her so well.

Frankly I think the post by Turquoise is unhelpful and unsympathetic. Perhaps she has never felt the pain of not seeing her son/daughter and grandchildren, perhaps she has never called with gifts and not even been invited in. In my opinion what Gigi is experiencing must be devastatingly painful and seems to be an increasing problem in western societies. There is a thread on here for estranged grandparents Turquoise where you will surely find help and support.
However at this early stage Gigi please do as others have advised and try to speak to your son. Also try as others have suggested, to invite the whole family round for a meal, but do not invite your other daughters at the same time (at least on this occasion.) If they will agree to come, make the time happy, lighthearted, and concentrate purely on them for that time. Of course they may not agree to come at all; in that case you will know you are being ostracised and you will need to gather all your strength and reserves for the long haul. Whatever happens, please ask your daughter to not intervene on your behalf again, whatever she does on her own behalf is up to her.
Children suffer a huge loss if they are denied access to loving grandparents, and the needs of the child should always come first. Your DiL (and by default your son) are being incredibly selfish in cutting off the contact your grandchild enjoyed previously with his grandparents who love him. He will be wondering where you are but will be unable to articulate his thoughts at such an early age. If you are able to speak to your son please tell him how much you love him and want him in your life, and remind him in a kindly way how much your grandchild must be missing you.
Good luck.

I don't condone how you are being treated by DIL but as her own mother claims her daughter to be 'difficult' then look at it from the view of an outsider that the poor girl has a problem/s. Talk to your son he will have more of an insight as to his wife's behaviour. Don't push her away.

Is that fair grandtante? I know of families where three children were raised as happy youngsters and where two offspring are still perfectly loving and functioning human beings and a third has gone off the rails/distanced herself/caused trouble in the family and great anxiety to her/his parents. Not right to blame the mother for the intransigence of Gigi’s DIL.

Is your son a deaf mute? It really is up to him to deal with his own wife and family matters. Stay out of it for now.

If her mother can't sort her out why do you think you can?

Wait and see what happens, your son must take some control of his own affairs and show you some respect.