DIL rude to me

Like others have said this is not the time to address any issues, her emotions will be all over the place and however irritable she might be, just be kind, give her a hug and reassure her you are there for her.

This could be a turning point in your relationship, let’s hope so.

Great advice from everyone, I have a DiL who I'm pretty sure doesn't like me, she's a great Mum to my 3 GDs, she has the upper hand because I'll never fall out with her because I'll never risk her stopping me seeing the children, she's very suttle with her comments to me but I keep a sense of humour about it all.....I don't have to live with her or see her all the time, she doesn't have to like me I did ask my son once to ask her not to talk about me in front of the girls as they were telling me what she said, he laughed but it stopped, it's the same for you, just smile, be sweet and enjoy your new GC xx

Having it out with my DIL would not have helped. It got worse anyway, but probably slightly more slowly. I now attribute it to projection of her own self dislike onto me. Appreciate that she has allowed your visit, and don't rock the boat just now.

Try to stay in the background, offer to do things like cook, wash up, take the baby for a walk, etc but din’t push it if she declines. Also make yourself scarce at times so that she can be alone with your son, - maybe say you need to lie down for an hour but not to hesitate to disturb you if they want you for any reason. This is going to be a very difficult time for her. She would only be human if she were to resent the fact that you are alive and her mother is dead - in fact if she has known for a while that her mother was ill ( eg cancer?) that could help to explain her behaviour.

It has all been said already. Not the time for anything but love and understanding. It might even be the beginning of a better relationship. Have fun with your new little grandson.

This certainly isn't the time to be saying anything. Maybe in the future if things don't improve. But she might turn to you more now that she has lost her own mother. Perhaps make it clear that you are willing and able to help if needed.

Yeah if there was ever a time to put your foot down this isn't it. Both your dil AND your son will be shocked by your bad timing and remember it forever. I am really surprised you are even asking this, OP, are you just trying to shock us?

Agree with the very good advice given. On the stress scale this poor girl must be near the top, did she know her mother was ill, that alone may have made her feel short with you, you ok her mum not, then new baby, death of mum she has probably not been "herself" for sometime. Give her a chance this could be your moment. If you tell her what you think you could turn your son against you, he will almost certainly defend her.

She may just need you a little more in the future, so be there for her at this time. It's okay for it to be all about her right now.

What is it with all this 'passive aggressive' nonsense? You are painting her as an agressor, she is just another woman trying to cope with various things in her ife which are pretty tough, like the rest of us.

There is no law says she has to like you, clearly you don't like her as you are so quick to label her.

This could be the very moment that things get better and you are asking strangers would it be a good idea to raise painful issues.

Start looking at yourself properly, are you blameless, are your expectations reasonable?

Time for you to be wonderful I think, time to stop with the labels and start with the comforting, you seriously concern me. Isn't you asking whether at a time of bereavement you can raise your own selfish agenda a bit 'aggressive'?

That poor girl, she needs love and support, make sure you go there full of both because you will be storing up troubles for the future if you don't.

I can only tell you what I myself would do :
I would tell DIL "listen, we have never been very close, and I accept you protecting your privacy. I don't want to try and replace your beloved mother, but I want you to know that if there is anything you would like me to do, I'm right here beside you."
Then do your bestest to help where needed while staying in the background. Have hot soup ready when they come home from the funeral, run the washing machine without being asked, stuff like that, friendly nice family things.

This stay with your DIL is not about you and your emotional needs. It is about supporting your son and DIL through a difficult time.
Some excellent advice on here.
You have the opportunity to start to build a good relationship. Stay positive and take comfort in the fact that you were asked to help.

Absolutely agree with MissA

Go and just 'be' as required. Your DIL will be feeling very vulnerable, and probably will be for quite a while. Now is not the time to start raking up problems. She may appreciate a listening ear ..perhaps in response to a few open questions eg. 'How are you feeling?

Don’t be hurt by the comment that you deserve the treatment, of course you don’t. You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t hurt by disrespect and passive aggressive behaviour that you were unable to defend. Many of us understand that. As we also know you have to continue being the better person, rise to the challenge and above all be kind. Kindness gives far more rewards all round than anger or spite. You are not being a coward you are being wise. Your strength and love are needed now, pack your irritation (perfectly justified) aside. We all acknowledge it. Go forth

I walk on eggshells with one of my DiLs but never says anything to my son as I don't want to be totally excluded from their lives and not see my GC.

I certainly wouldn't say anything when her mum has just died, try to be quietly supportive. Maybe things will get better now her mum isn't there to rely on.

I would suggest being extra kind and sympathetic and ignore the rudeness. She is adjusting to having to share her husband (or not, she hopes!) and now this sadness. I remember as a teenager being very shocked when my future SIL told me she had to get my brother away from his mother! However, they were always friends and my mother would have been devastated to know this was what she thought, but it is an insight into how new wives think. I am not the jealous type at all so found it very difficult to understand. I think we older ones are the first to be hit when DIL is stressed because they know we will stick around for the GC. Weather the storm as I think we have to just put up with it for the time being to secure a future relationship. Good luck.

There will never be a time when you can say what you think. Turn the other cheek and kill her with kindness. It may not work but it is all you can do. If you don't you stand a very good chance of joining the legions on here who have been cut out of their sons and GC's lives.

I agree with the very wise advice given above. Whatever you are feeling, your DiL will be feeling very much worse at the moment.
Be the grown up, show love and compassion.
What goes around comes around, maybe not straight away but eventually.

What everyone else has said, give her support and be kind, she must be very upset at the moment, losing her mum especially when she has just had a baby.
Presumably you will be looking after the baby while they go to the funeral and not going yourself; if you have some nice words to say to her about her mother that would be kind too.

I think if you confront your DIL particularly at this time, you will compound how she seems to feel about you. Swallow hard and be as amiable as is appropriate, it could be a good step towards building bridges

You may find your relationship changes now she's lost her mum. Think longterm, be quietly supportive of them both for the next year and then assess whether it's different from how it has been for the last year.

Great advice, eventually she will see you for the lovely person you clearly are. x

Try to wipe the memory of her unkindness to you and just see her as a girl who has lost her Mum. So much good advice here. Be as kind as you can possibly be and just hope it will pay off in her future relationship with you.

she is always cool towards me and often rude but during the year she has been married to my son

Could this be put down to the fact that your DIL already knew her was ill/hadn't long to live? If that were the case, then her emotions will have been all over the place and possibly exacerbated by the stress of the wedding.

You don't say how long you've known your DIL, just that she married your DS a year ago. If you've known her for longer, was she always cool towards you or has she changed since the wedding?

Either way, now is not the time to do anything other than show her compassion and be as supportive as you can.