DIL rude to me

Your poor DIL is grieving her mother and leading up to her death may have been coping with knowing she was terminally ill. These factors may well have accounted for her behaviour towards you. She may well feel resentment that she has lost her mother at such an important time in her life, being newly married and a new mother. I can speak from experience as I lost my dear father to cancer a year after I got married and eight months before my first son was born. I am ashamed to say that I resented the fact that my husband still had his father for quite some time so she may resent the fact that your son still has you. Grief for a parent and giving birth are not a good combination and her mental health may be impaired, I know mine was.

I think you should try to understand your DIL’s behaviour rather than criticise it. Your son will certainly take his wife’s side in any conflict between the two of you and you may lose a great deal.

I wish you all the best at this difficult time.

Absolutely do not say anything to your DIL, do not confront her no matter what she says or does. Please don't risk your future relationship with your DS and DGC. Continue to be as supportive, gentle and kind as you possibly can and she will probably come round. Don't under any circumstance criticise her handling of the baby or give advice unless she specifically asks you. Good luck.

I’m shocked that you would even think of confronting her at a time like this. Maybe her attitude towards you is aresponse to the way you treat her? Your question smacks of self centredness. Treat her as you want yourself to be treated were you to be bereaved.

Give it time ( she is grieving) and if it doesn’t get any better once a decent amount of time has lapsed. Put your foot down or his will continue for ever. Easy to say I know but putting up with rude behaviour from a family member is unacceptable (does your son notice)

My first reaction to your post was amazement that you would even consider such a move at what must be the saddest and most difficult time of this young lady's life. Perhaps also the culmination of watching her poor mum fade away. Only one thing to do - quiet, gentle kindness. Please do NOT ask her how she feels. Think what sort of answers you might get! Arrive with home cooked meal ready to pop in the oven - what she likes, not your son's favourite - this weekend is about her. And for longer than the weekend. Write a kind note saying - anything I can do to help just say, text, email. Sometimes it is difficult to ask out loud. Remember too that you cannot jump into her mum's shoes. quiet background help and kindness. Absolutely nothing about your own needs or wants. Having lost my own mother I feel in a position to advise. Always remember that you cannot turn the clock back. I wish you strength and comfort for the weekend and beyond. Perhaps update us.

I would go there with an open heart and support them both with every ounce of kindness and compassion you possess. See this as an opportunity to bond with your DIL and nothing to do with her previous behaviour. I think it possible that what you choose to do could make or break the relationship.

I agree with all the comments about waiting. I also wonder about how much stress your DIL has been under. I gather she married a year ago, now has a child and her mother has just died. Any one of those can be difficult to handle, all three must be almost impossible. She may just need some time to recover. Give her the benefit of the doubt and be kind.

Emm14.
A loss of ones mother after a close relationship can be devastating.Give DIl time to grieve and make it clear to DS that you will always be there for his wife. There is nothing more you can do but leave it to DIl.

I haven't had time to read all the posts but I hope my experience will help. My DIL and I were very close, she even wanted me at the birth of my DGS. Unfortunately, when the baby was 3 months old, her mother died suddenly. Suddenly I found myself as persona non grata. She resented my DS because he had a mother and did her best to distance herself. As she mainly had my DGS, it meant I didn't get to see him too a lot of the time as my DS was working long hours. I was supposed to be looking after DGS when DIL went back to work but she made no attempt to get us used to each other no matter what my son said. Eventually she went back to work, I looked after the DGS and she criticised us unmercifully. I bit my tongue most of the time but did occasionally tell my son how I felt mildly unappreciated. Then one day, the childminder who shared the care asked them to remove my DGS because he was too lively. We had had our concerns about him too but I worked hard to reassure her and gave her suggestions about how we could turn things around.

That was a year ago. Yesterday, it was her birthday. She suddenly gave me an enormous hug and thanked me saying how much she appreciated me and didn't know what she would do without me. I was a tad surprised but this morning realised it was 2 years ago today that her mother died. All the angst and tongue biting was completely worth it for that one accolade.

My advice would be to bide your time and just be there for her. If the relationship is meant to be a good one, you will get there and this tragedy for her may mean that it changes her attitude to you for the better.

Totally agree with NotSpaghetti. Just help quietly wherever you can but try not to make a big thing of it and withdraw to your room and give her some privacy with her husband if that is what is needed at times.

Emm14 It seems silly to add to all the "I agree with MissAdventure" answers, but I do! It's not a good time to worry about anything to do with her behaviour now she is grieving. try and be patient and as loving as she'll let you be. Be prepared for anything - grief makes us do/say things we would not normally do/say and don't take any of it to heart. I wonder if she lacks confidence? Is it poss to give her a compliment on her mothering or household/cooking skills? You never know your DS may have said, unknowingly, things like "my mum is an amazing cook" or "my mum was always cleaning and tidying, our house was always spotless." I don't know - it's just a thought.
Fwiw - you are far from alone, several of my friends and one especially have a terrible time with their DILs, one of the main ones being lack of gratitude. One DIL has never thanked her MIL who buys loads of clothes and essentials for her GSs and the DIL actually sends her MIL a list of what she wants for them for Birthday/Christmas.
Just hang on in there. It may improve with time. Sorry I can't be more encouraging but remember you have us lot who do understand! Lots of love, L

I can’t add anything to other comments here but just to say that you must be kind and considerate for the foreseeable future and probably for ever.

As a mother and stepmother, I know that extended family dynamics can be very strange at times, but often the problem isn’t to do with you but how the other person perceives the world.

It can be extremely hurtful to be or to feel disliked or ignored, whether obviously or subtly, and we have had a bit of that in our extended family, but I have gradually discovered that that is how some people act to loads of people, and that they have sudden and bitter enmities with other friends and relations as well.

Do hope that the weekend and the funeral go as well as possible. ?

I'm fortunate enough to have two DILs who treat me with love, kindness and respect so I have no direct experience of your problem. If you've ever worked with other people, remind yourself of how you relate to colleagues whose attitudes don't match your own - the situation demands polite co-operation but not that you're all bosom buddies. This would be my approach in your shoes, and if ever a woman deserved a break it's when her mother has just died so for heaven's sake don't confront her for a good while yet (if ever).

It’s hard to plan conversations in advance and especially now at this sensitive time. I usually find it’s best to deal with angst as/when as by not challenging rudeness, you enable it to continue. Next time she is rude I would just say that I hope I have not done something to offend you, and add that you would like to be friends, and see what response you get. I would also hope that if your son hears any unwarranted rudeness that he would intervene. If all else fails, are you close to your son to be able to ask him if there is a problem ? What is important is that as the grandchild gets older, they do not copy any rudeness toward you.

....eight years.

Say nothing. It took a couple of years for my DIL to realise I amnot the enemy. It was VERY hard for me to hold my tongue as she is the master of the put down. My daughter was livid at the treatment and remarks made and was intent on tackling DIL. I was adamant that she did not because fall out with her and it would be fall out with my Son and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. She gradually thawed and for the last right years we are good pals. It's hard but could be worth it.

Please don't confront her the weekend she buries her mother. Even if you feel you are in the right to do so, that is the sort of hurt that will never mend and I have read many, many similar stories where incidents such as that caused the family to cut off the in laws completely.

She is grieving right now and whilst perhaps you will never have more than a polite relationship, your kindness and support at this terribly difficult time will be remembered and appreciated.

This is absolutely the worst possible time to confront your family about any perceived relationship difficulties.

I agree with all other posters- be as kind as you possibly can and bite your tongue if she is rude. Don't forget, besides her grieving, if she gets upset with you, your son will probably bear the brunt of her anger. He does not need this at this time. As another poster said, look at the long game - she will need a long time to grieve her mum, but in the end you are the only grandmother left and motherly influence in her life. Good luck.

I'm somewhat surprised that you are asking the question - her mother has just died!!! No , don't raise any issues!! I understand when you talk about passive aggressive behaviour ..it is a strategy often used rather than direct discussion....but this os not the time or place to even vaguely consider doing anything about it. And I am someone suffering somewhat similar problems to those that you describe!

I agree with everyone else that now is not the time to raise any issues, just be caring and supportive. I had a very similar relationship with my DIL of nearly 11 years. I never said anything because I wanted to continue to see my grandchildren. However, towards the end of last year it looked as though the marriage might break up. I felt desperately sorry that my DIL might end up a single Mum to two lively children and what effect that might have on the children. I offered a huge amount of support and it opened up channels of communication between the two of us. It turned out that she had always found me "cold", which was exactly how I found her. Long story short, we had a couple of very honest and open conversations and there is a 100% improvement in our relationship and as a side effect she now participates more in family get togethers instead of playing with her phone looking bored. And thankfully, with the help of counselling, they are still together. They say communication is key, but it took a near disaster to get us communicating properly!

I agree with what many on here have said. Now is definitely not the time to have any sort of confrontation, especially as you say the point of you staying at your son's/daughter-in-law's home is to give support. It probably isn't going to help if, before you even get there, you are anticipating conflict.

It is early days yet and I hope that eventually, even if your daughter-in-law can be abrasive at times, you can achieve a reasonably happy relationship. It is partly up to you.

leeds22 I made the mistake of saying something to my son and Ihave now banned from going to the house. I still see my youngest grand daughter and my son at other family members homesb ut not the older two. But it has left a hole in my heart as i had never put a foot wrong in the 20 odd years i have known DIL and just one moment of voiced concern was mistaken as a critism and i am paying the price.

Indeed you must not. You are of an age where wisdom should prevail and of a generation which valued good manners.

So be kind and considerate. If she is rude then you can perhaps maintain a dignified and telling silence. Otherwise the woman has lost her own mother, keep that in mind and act accordingly. This might be the turning point and if not then at least you can claim the moral high ground.

Emm14 I know exactly where you are coming from. As much as it breaks my heart I just bite my tongue and wear a smile. It breaks my heart that the relationship we had as gone. My son is happy and settled and that is all I could hope for is him to be happy. My job is done.

It would help to know what form the rudeness takes. There may be just a difference in perception. Also the passive aggressive behaviour may be a result of a perceived slight on your behalf,

I am not saying, she is not rude, but different family dynamics often lead to major failings out. That is why specific examples might help GN wisdom give you better advice.

My DDs thinks her MiL is rude as she spends a lot of time in the Kitchen for most of their visit. This is more noticeable if their DD is also visiting as she sits out there too. Her DH has told her”It is not personal, she does it to anyone who visits”.