DIL rude to me

Do you have some problems with either a MIL or DIL Sandym8? If so, perhaps you would like to start a thread because there are some really supportive Grans on here who may be able to help you.

There are different kinds of abuse , one is when someone makes you feel worthless and not wanted. Another is violence. Everyone knows abuse is normally a hidden activity done in a sutle way and hidden from others. That’s why it can go on for some time. If this lady is saying her dil doesn’t treat her properly who our we to say it’s not true. All iam saying is there is a problem growing in this society and the children do get dragged into it and are prevented from seeing their grandparents for no good reason. Iam not saying all mil are always right either but there is an increasing number of grandparents being cut of from their grandchildren and winning cases in court to get access. This lady has been advised to keep quiet and not rock the boat in case she looses access to her grandchild. That’s not right.

Here's your chance to make or break the relationship Emm14 - presumably you are being asked to look after your DGS so you are being asked to be part of his life for this weekend at least.

If you go ahead and tell your DIL when she is grief-stricken that you dislike the way she treats you then you may well find that this is the last time you see your DGS.
It would be a most insensitive thing to do.

Now is the time to build the relationship not destroy it.

What do you call abuse then Sandym8 All I can see is she is cool not a crime and often rude That’s says nothing at all what one person would call rude another wouldn’t I personally think it rude to be asking if poster should tackle her when she’s just lost her mum but there’s no examples or quotes of her being rude so what actually are you suggesting is abusive in this story ?

The abuse still needs addressing though. No one would like to be treated badly . This is a growing problem in this society and it needs to be talked about and brought out into the light . It’s a hidden abuse. People used to say the mil from hell now it turning into the dil from hell. No one has the right to abuse another person

Bbbface, I agree. How could you think of having it out with her about her lack of respect for you when you have been asked to help and support after the death and funeral of your DiL's mother. Not a lot there to respect.

This might not be the right time at this moment due to dil losing her mother but it’s not right for you to be abused any more because that’s what it is ABUSE! and it needs to be addressed eventually . Your son needs to protect you as well as iam sure dil did with her mum. No one has a right to abuse someone else and use their children to control the situation. We get treated the way we allow in life. It’s up to you whether you think you can deal with being abused. You’re just as important as your dil and your son will remember that eventually. Good luck

Everything Luckygirl has said. ( and said so well)

Should I put my foot down and tell her I will not be treated so disrespectfully or turn another blind eye to it, in view of the sad situation with her mother?

Analysing this query is quite revealing. Do you truly feel that it is the moment to to put your foot down and tell her how you want to be treated? I do not think it is something you should say at any time - but when she has just lost her Mum? - how will this help anyone?

Your son is busy trying to support his grieving wife, and you are asking whether you should challenge her attitudes? Will your son thank you for this? Will it help him? - will it help her?

Will it make you feel better in any way? Have you the strength to deal with being ostrasized by your son and his family?

I seriously think that your feelings are not the main priority in this situation and that you should ask what (or who) is?

I firmly believe what comes around goes around. It’s disgusting the way you’re treated. You’re son shouldn’t let his wife treat you like something they’ve trodden in. He needs to man up and insist you get treated with respect at all times as you only have one mother. Partners come and go mothers are for life. Sick of all this treading on eggshells. You’re son will stand up for you one day when his kids are older and he’s fed up of his nasty wife. Hang on in there x

I completely agree this is not the time to say anything.

However, in the bigger scheme of things, I once again find myself shocked and gravely concerned at the prevalence of 'banning' grandparents as a strategy.... how this cutting us off seems to be such a ready option. Since when? It does seem to be DiL driven and it does seem to be, ultimately, because they feel they CAN? How come?

There must be a silent epidemic of grieving in society which needs to be addressed. First it needs to be called out for what it is - abuse (of power?).

I wonder whether it stems from our adult children not knowing how to 'police' intergenerational or interfamilial boundaries and so easier to cop out completely by cutting off? Either way it feels harmful for society as a whole since it represents yet further family breakdown.

I for one who lives with father in law, knows some things that would be rude. One: Stupid jokes, or rude jokes that hurt feelings. Two: Let her do it, if she wants to do it. Three: Stay out of her way. Four: It is not you it her. Stop buying stuff she does not need, my fil does that and I always say no.
I understand because I been living with this for over 40 years.

It can be hard, but someone once said of MIL and DIL, that you both love the same man. Of course it is different! But it is easy to feel left out, insecure or jealous, and as others have said, as MILs it is up to us to give the young couple space, to respect the huge change that DS 's marriage brings, and to stand in their shoes , if we feel uncared for. Our lives as mothers of young children is over - it is in the natural course of things that our DS will find a partner. And it is natural that everyone has to adjust. If DIL is sometimes cool, maybe she is feeling insecure. As others have said, it is so important not to cause a breach. If you think of how she is feeling, and act from empathy , you may find you have a happy relationship from now on. I wish you well! I have to walk carefully with one of my DILs - and it is worth it!

The fact you've even thought to do this now makes me bilieve that you hold enough blame for any failing relationship.
If you can't keep your mouth shut then don't go. She does not need to deal with any drama you want to cause.

There will never be a good time to 'say something to DiL'. Although you feel unhappy with the situation as it is, read carefully the responses from others who have lost all contact with DS,DiL and DGC. Please be careful not to find yourself in that dreadful situation.

I agree, now is your opportunity to be supportive to your DIL at what is obviously a difficult time in her life, New baby, losing mother, awful situation. However I do find it difficult in general in these circumstances to understand sons who let their wives treat their mums in this way. Surely if a DIL expects her husband to treat her family well and make them welcome then the same should apply to his family, unless there’s a good reason. Feel very sad for those grandparents who get cut out of their children’s and grandchildren’s lives

This will be completely the wrong time to say anything, in fact it will be a good time to show how nice people behave and offer as much help that is needed. She has lost her mother and therefore these issues should not be addressed and hopefully she will see you in a new light.

The death of a mother so soon after the birth of a child means more likelihood of post-natal depression. So yes, as so many have said, he needs you to be quiet and in the background. Yes, she may resent you for being there when her own mother isn't - logic doesn't apply.
Once, about 30 years ago, I was rude to a friend of my mother's. My mother was very ill and I felt this friend was 'in the way' - although really she wasn't! The next time I saw her, my mum was so much better, and I tried to apologise. She took my hand and said 'there is no need, I understand what you were feeling'. Her kindness meant so much.

Sorry posted before finished ....the fact that she will not engage in relationship building (I believe because of of reasons not particularly related to me, my supportiveness, my positiveness, etc etc) does not make her awful. It does make me sad! (and No I am not perfect before anyone points that out to me, but I am also not an horrendous MIL as demonstrated by my relationship with my other DIL.) I suppose what I am saying is that these things are so very far from simple "awful MIL/awful DIL" or the so called traditional MIL/DIL problems. The reasons for difficulties are often complex and are not solved despite best efforts from one or other party, unless the other party is able/willing to engage

Bluebelle My son hasn't chosen an "awful woman"!

Squiffy -- I thought that -- has DIL's Mother been ill for some time? May be this, alongside new baby -- either way not the right time/place for confrontation -- give her a big hug and some kindness, make bridges, not battles.

Can’t imagine why you have even contemplated saying anything at this sad time, poor lass.
If you want to keep your son and grandchild in your contact make a friend of her, si many people seem to dislike their daughter in laws, do they expect too much or are their sons all really choosing awful women

Set aside your own feelings for now. It's very likely if you do broach the subject, it may just trigger words said through grief, stress or anger. Words which cannot be unsaid.

See her as a woman in need of help and comfort; the last thing she wants is confrontation at the worst possible time. She needs peace, understanding and sympathy. Make the most dificult time easier for her, and try to make her feel at ease.

This may be a new beginning for you all, a new chance to start again. Don't lose it.

Emm14 - this weekend is your chance to build a relationship with your DIL. Firstly, regardless of the fact that your son has invited you to offer support, he would not have done that without DIL's agreement, so you need to bear in mind that she wants you there and clearly because she sees some value in that. Secondly, whilst you don't say whether the DIL's mum has been ill for a while, it may have been that the death was expected and your DIL may have suffered with lots of emotional turmoil over the past year that has worked its way through to her interaction with you. So this is the opportunity for you to show your DIL your worth and I would suggest that you do this by openly acknowledging her grief and offering what you can. Practical advice - look around the house for photos of her mum, if you see any, make positive comments 'what a lovely photo of your mum' and if there are no obvious reminders suggest some 'have you thought about having that nice photo of your mum on the sideboard, etc., etc., - you could ask her permission to go and take flowers to the grave if there is one, or suggest that you buy a small plant or tree to put in their garden as a remembrance and something that a story could be told about to your grandchild to keep the memory alive. If you give your DIL the impression that you know how difficult it is for her to lose her mum, and that you think it's important for her memory to be kept alive through continuing bonds - with photos, graveside, plants, bench, etc., your DIL will find it hard to be rude to you. Let her grief work its way through and I'm sure she will realise that she still has a MIL in you and want to make a good relationship out of that.

This problem is so close to my situation. My DIL has always been very cold to us as a family from day one. I welcomed her, tried to be friends with her but nothing worked. We paid the deposit for their first property, they sold that and have bought a house. We were not told and have not been given the address. She has severed all communication, no visits, calls etc, returns any gifts I send her, but my son brings the g/ch occasionally.
I spoke to my son once and he said to leave it. And I have.
It is ten years this year, but after reading some of the posts here, I am hopeful, things may change.