Just back from humanist funeral

I have a friend who is going to a type of humanist wedding. It is taking place in a wood, with guests invited to wear casual warm clothing and after the ceremony there will a reception. All very ecologically sound etc. Hope it doesn’t rain!!

Her dad got buried in a wood near here. They did it themselves with no ceremony but simply happy thoughts and words, flowers from the garden and a picnic.

I am a Christian and have attended various funerals of different religions and humanist services over the years. I went to a humanist funeral on Friday which was a celebration of a young man's life. He had written most of the service. All fine by me, whatever the deceased and family want. However at the first humanist service I attended 12 years ago I was not happy when the celebrant said "that the time had come to pause and reflect and those of you that have a religious faith may like to take the time to pray". I didn't tell her that I would pray whenever I liked without her patronising instruction.

I have just been to a funeral of a friend who died from cancer in her 50's. She choose the hymns and readings herself. Two of her children spoke. It was sad to lose a lovely friend but her funeral was perfect. She was a committed Christian.
I have been to one humanist funeral but it seemed to lack something important for me , that is, God!

I'm Catholic and most of the funerals I have been to have been Catholic. I find the ritual comforting and the hymns I've known since child are moving. I've only been to one humanist funeral and to be honest it was very bland and rather disorganised. The part that was most appropriate and moving was a speech a friend of the deceased. It was funny and sad and just right.

I attended my first humanist funeral this week and it was so different. We were told stories of the ladies past which made me chuckle,and instead of crying I sat there smiling as it brought back a lot memories of the things she had done over the years,the music were her favourites,people were not struggling to sing hymns that were unfamiliar to them if they did not attend church.I would definately choose one like this.

Sorry if that offends any Wee Free GNetters. It's probably appochryphal.

A very scary Wee Free Minister glowered at the congregation and warned them, "you're all sinners and when you're deed ye'll burn in Hell tormented forever by the Devil, and ye'll all look up to the Lord and say " we didna ken, we didna ken" and the Good Lord, in his infinite mercy, will look doon on ye and he'll say "Well ye ken the noo!!!"

I went to a hellfire Catholic funeral service only a few years ago Annie. Grim.
I agree most church funeral services have become more personal nowadays.

I have never found a Christian funeral service to be impersonal and never a hell fire sermon, hell fire sermons went out many years ago.

You don’t have to use a celebrant to conduct the funeral service. It can be all done by family and friends.
In our immediate family we have had two absolutely lovely, uplifting funerals with only family and friends running it. One was a woodland burial where we had children running round and a couple of dogs, music, refreshments etc. When the wicker coffin was carried in, we decorated it with flowers all round, children put messages and pictures on top. It was absolutely personal.
The other was in a crematorium chapel. A grandchild acted as informal celebrant, the great grandchildren attached painted wooden bees to the coffin (he had been a beekeeper). Again a delightful funeral.
I have hated formal, impersonal religious funerals in the past with hellfire sermons.

Rather unfair on Parish priests. They work long hours, on call 24 hours a day ,not on their day off, visit the sick in their homes, visit hospitals, run youth clubs, take daily services, are on many committees, many have two churches to serve, they haven't got hours to sit with every bereaved family.

It depends on the person conducting the ceremony, I think. Some seem to capture the essence of the person, some don't, regardless of whether its religious or not.

A very dear young friend died recently and he had a planned humanist wedding or in his words 'his leaving do'. It was lovely to hear all the funny stories he wanted included, his music and his wish to have his hats on the coffin rather than flowers. It was still unbearably sad though!

GA it is indeed the time spent with the family, garnering all the anecdotes and personal memories, that makes for a 'memorable' service. My DD spends hours with the family, writes up the ceremony and delivers a copy to them for comment and amendments if necessary and afterwards delivers a beautifully presented copy to the family to keep as a memento.

The worst service I have ever attended was for my dear friend and political mentor, whose sister arranged the funeral by phone via an undertaker. It was at the Crematorium with the 'duty' minister, who quite obviously knew nothing about my friend and the 'duty' organist playing the stock funeral hymns. There was no mention of her career as a theatre sister, her lifelong devotion to the Nationalist Cause, her many years as a Councillor and Group Leader, serving her Community.

Instead we were treated to a bog standard 'She was a faithful wife and mother and servant of God', when in fact her biggest regret was that she was childless, though she did indeed nurse her DH for many long years. The minister did say 'wife and mother', then corrected himself without apology and said 'Wife'.

The crematorium was overflowing - over 300 folk there to pay tribute. No meal had been arranged to follow, so we stood about in the rain outside the Crematorium, sharing memories. Awful, just awful.

I was put off church funeral services after attending one for a relative, the vicar droned on about " he is gone to a better place " on and on he ranted about going to do the lord's bidding. The poor man had been 49 and died in an accident in his garden. I think humanist funerals are the way now, much more personal.

I'm interested to read the post from granny 23. The only humanist funeral I have been to the celebrant announced that no religious music, prayers etc could be included and that this was definitely the end of our friend and she had gone forever. For my mum we had a civil celebrant who was happy to include a hymn as well as mums favourite music and a time for prayer for those who wished to do so. We left to Morecambe and Wise and the whole thing was a joyous remembrance of a much missed lady.

I belong to a small house church, but have very close connections to most of the other churches in town and meet regularly with other ministers. I get invited to many funerals and have found that some ministers are gifted at funerals and others are not. The funerals of regular church attendees are usually very personal and can include whatever the family want really, but for some there is very little personalisation because they weren't known to the officiating minister and s/he hadn't properly done their homework.
Last year I conducted a service of interment of ashes and spent a lot of time with the family beforehand garnering thoughts and memories; I had known the man a little, but his family said afterwards that I had caught the essence of him - all down to taking the time to listen.

I think it is more down to who conducts the service than whether it is better to be humanist or religious. As I have a strong faith humanist wouldn't be for me but I respect other people's choices. When my FIL died I arranged the whole service with the help of our curate at the time who also took the service ( the vicar had recently changed and was awful so I tactfully asked for who I wanted to do the service) . We put in lots of personal stuff but had beautiful old hymns and readings. I read the eulogy at one of my closest friends funerals last year and many of her friends stood and spoke about how lovely she was and but it was a religious service, both of them took their time to present the deceased as a special person so the service had real meaning for all of us. So I guess I'm saying it's not only humanists who can do a meaningful funeral for the mourners

Nearly all the funerals I have attended have been humanist and I have found them all to be, touching and highly personal celebrations of each person's life.

Sadly, the few C of E funerals I have been to were lacking in the "personal touch" and very formulaic.

Having said that, I recently attended a Catholic requiem mass which, of course, contained many ritualistic elements, but which was also rather beautiful and very moving. The priest was so warm and natural, had such sensitivity and was also able to inject a little humour to lighten the sadness.

My son's funeral was completely hi jacked by the bloody awful pastor from the church that my ex husband was involved in at the time.

We went to a humanist wedding and found it to be just right for the couple and the occasion. I've often found religious funerals to be fuller of what felt like religious ritual for the sake of it rather than focussing on the very dear departed. I'm sure a humanist service would be better.

My daughter is an Independent Celebrant which means that she can include religious elements from any religion in a service if the family request this. Not being an adherent of any faith herself she would not lead prayers or hymns but rather invite a family member to do that part of the ceremony.

Humanists, on the other hand are prohibited from including any religious things in their services, and have to avoid any music with references to angels or such like. The same rule applies to civil wedding ceremonies conducted by Registrars.

I much prefer the services conducted by celebrants as they are truly a celebration of the deceased's life, whereas services conducted by the clergy seem to concentrate only on their religious life and finish with warnings to the heathens among us that we will not qualify for eternal life.

They really should be Grannyknot but many religious funerals I have attended have been more about religion than the person which is such a shame .

My mother-in-law's funeral was a celebration of her life, including funny stories, laugh-out-loud moments, we sang songs from her favourite musicals, a recorded Sarah Brightman song "Time to Say Goodbye" was played ... and a prayer and one hymn, with the well-known reading from Ecclesiastes about a time to live and a time to die. It was held in a Christian church.

Surely funeral services are what you want them to be, no matter whether religious or not?

Strange to have The Lords Prayer if not a Christian service