Just back from humanist funeral

One of the most memorable funerals I attended was for a lovely Swedish lady who died in her late eighties after spending most of her life in the UK. It took place in a beautiful hillside burial ground on the outskirts of the small town where she'd lived on a lovely sunny day.

Her family arranged the secular ceremony which was conducted by one of her sons who played a guitar. Everyone dressed in bright cheerful colours. She was brought in by her family in a wicker coffin and laid to rest, then all her great grandchildren threw on special wild flowers whilst the extended family of about thirty people sang a Swedish folk song.

At the end of the ceremony all of the family and friends released blue and yellow helium balloons which drifted up into the sky in the general direction of Sweden.

I have been to two. ...Both wonderful celebrations of the lives of two people

The best funeral I ever went to was for a neighbour. We entered the church to the strains of “Somewhere over the rainbow “ and left with “Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye”. She’d had a long and happy life and the music was her choice. We all had a smile on our face as we left.

I have been to two humanist funerals, both were badly planned with no-one knowing what they were meant to say or do or when.
Especially the one for a very dear friend was toe-curlingly embarrassing.
Give me a religious ceremony any day of the week. Most parsons and priests take the time to find something out about the person they are burying if he or she was not a regular attender at their church, and they have centuries of tradition to fall back on.
I have told my nearest and dearest that I want a full requiem mass when the time comes, and I can assure you if DH dies before I do, that is what he will have too.

We chose a humanist funeral for my Mum 8 years ago.

The guy came round and chatted to us all and took notes about my Mum, what she liked etc and her personality.

I kept asking for a copy of his ‘speech’ and was told he would email it.

He didn’t. On the day he got everything wrong which upset us a great deal. It was like he had mixed my Mum up with someone else.

We stood with horrified looks on our faces as he spoke in the crematorium.

I so wish I’d had the nerve to stand up and tell him to stop and continued things on my own. My daughter was mortified as she had been Mums main carer before she passed away and her name wasn’t even mentioned. She’d carried in the coffin with the pall bearers from the funeral directors as none of my mums 5 sons felt able.

What I found out after is that you CAN hold a funeral without a minister or vicar or humanist.. you can do this yourself.

When it came to burying Mums ashes at the cemetery so she could be with Dad again, we did it ourselves.

My daughter wrote a beautiful poem and she and I said our own words. It was more personal and suited us a lot better.

I know what I’ll be having when my time comes...

Thankfully my experience is limited but I'm learning from this post that my concept is wrong. Unfortunately those ceremonies I've attended have never had any music other than an entry and departure short piece. Now the people in question were real fun full on personalities in their lives and the services, to me, were decidedly dry and unrepresentative. I am surprised but relieved to hear how wrong I am but still hope I don't have to attend many more in the near future. I'm losing far too many friends of late.

My nephew and fiance had a humanist wedding. It was beautiful and great fun.

At my Mums funeral last year we had a humanist celebrant recommended by the funeral director, she was lovely and wrote down everything we all said and then emailed her finished “speech”, we altered bits she hadn’t quite interpreted correctly and sent it back, it went back and forth several times until we were completely happy. We didn’t have any hymns or prayers and it was perfect. My Dad wants the same so I hope we can get the same celebrant all though I am sure it will be a while before her services are needed.

1975 I chose hymns, readings etc for my husbands funeral. Last year the same for my daughters funeral and wrote what I wished the priest to say about my daughter, he had only been here a few weeks, and two priests were were also family friends also took part in the service, they added their tributes to my darling child. Those in the church laughed and cried. At the cremation after the Church one of our priest friend's took the service and as we had hymns in the church service we chose two songs to be played, "She" and "12th of Never"

My Sister had been to a couple of these and said how good they were and stated that was what she wanted when the time came (She had been suffering from cancer for 10 years), so hers was the first one I had been to and it was so good, with many laughs and songs of her choice. I decided then that I wanted one also and have put it in a letter I tend to leave for my children. I don't want my close ones to feel sad, I want them to be happy that I had been blessed with children and grandchildren that had made me so happy and proud.

I think they will conduct the ceremony for anyone who chooses.

I think it depends on who takes the service be it Christian or Humanist or whatever. I’m Catholic and have been to many Christian funerals but only one Humanist. The most important thing, I think, is that the service is a comfort to the family.
Could I ask a question about Humanist ceremonies please. Will a Humanist celebrant be happy to conduct a service for anybody or do they have to have a connection with the Humanist movement?

We had a civil celebrant for my husband’s funeral who was excellent. We had him instead of a humanist one as we wanted to play Nunc Dimittis and the undertakers said a humanist celebrant may not allow it.

We are becoming a more secular society. I think faith, if you have it, must be a huge comfort. For the majority of us, a humanist funeral is very personal and the mourners seem less fearful of the prayers and hymns that they probably haven’t been exposed to since the last funeral. As an aside, I’m a great believer (no pun intended) in keeping all religion(s) out of all schools. Education for children in school, faith at the weekends with family (if desired).

When my Mum died the vicar (who did not know her at all as he was standing in) mentioned several times her 4 children. I am an only child although her 2nd husband did have 4 children by his first marriage.
I'm afraid I berated him at the church door on the way out as I was so upset by it.

After attending the funerals of my mother and then my father I decided to plan my own. Neither of them caught any sort of essence of my parents. They got information wrong and it felt very rushed and impersonal. I just have to find a celebrant I am happy with - not so easy to plan when there is no set date ;)

I don't Varian

How can faith be only a small part of a church funeral ?

The vicar at my daughters funeral sang along to the Bob Marley song, "one love" and bobbed around to it.. it was lovely.

I wonder,I if you are a believer attending a humanist funerak, and you know that the dear departed was not a believer, do you speculate about whether you will meet them again in the afterlife?

No, honestly. It was always a full blown sermon. Usually 20 to 30 minutes and nothing to do with the deceased.
I was a church goer for many years so I do recognise a sermon when I hear one. And a gallop through the formal service.
When he left the new vicar was much more focused on the funeral itself much to everyone's relief.

I personally think that all funerals should be all about celebrating that persons life. Celebrating who they were as a person, how they chose to live their lives, sharing wonderful memories etc. I am an atheist but feel that religion should only be a very small part a funeral service, as those that believe in God, celebrate him most days of their life anyway.

I suppose what I consider words of comfort taken from one of many texts such as 'today you shall be with me in paradise". is considered a sermon by some, not by me .

Sorry to disagree Annie, but I sat through several C of E funerals in the village where I used to live and the Vicar always used them as an opportunity to deliver a sermon.
Maybe every Vicar is allowed to do his own thing?

Sermons are not given in Anglican Church funerals