Turning into a total wimp

I've been out all day so am just catching up with the replies. I'm quite touched that so many people thought to bother and it's given me a good laugh!
I shall take the very good advice to turn the conversation back to her life and not mine. Also the the wonderful excuses might come in handy. Especially the one about having nits!
Its hard to explain how she always manages to hit a tender spot but I'll go in a positive frame of mind thanks to you lot!

Nanny41

I can't believe that some adults can't find a polite way of saying 'No thank you'.
She can't steam-roller you into going. Belonging to a group surely doesn't mean that you have to take in a 'note from mother', so to speak, to excuse you unless, when you joined, the rules were that you signed up to all the trips.
I belong to Meet up groups and, if you join but then don't go anywhere, you are struck off their list because some trips have to have certain numbers attend.

I suppose that's why I'm so irritated at such negative meanings being imputed to the OPs friend
There are people, though, who will come out with a 'clever' retort to put you down at every opportunity, make remarks about your family etc. Sometimes you just reach the end of your tether with them.

I have an old and very dear friend whose company I greatly value. Life has not been as kind to her as it has to me. It's the fault of neither of us it's just the way life has turned out. We meet often and chat about what we've been up to etc. I'd hate to think that she was small minded enough to think that I was showing off or trying to put her down just by talking about my life and what had been happening. I'm interested in hearing about her's too. It's just my life as it actually is and hers as hers is. I suppose that's why I'm so irritated at such negative meanings being imputed to the OPs friend. People will take you as you think you are. If you think you're somehow less than them that's down to you!

You know, I've always thought that learning to say no nicely but firmly is a great life skill which many of us need to learn. It would make life so much easier. Have a nice time anyway.

Eglantine - your description of your friend made me laugh. At least you have a good sense of humour. I'd go for the lunch and, as grandMattie suggests, keep asking questions about her life. Could be fun!

Love that Coolgran, what Ghandi said in effect. Maybe the case with your friend Eglantine? It might help you to get through your meeting with her if you could think that way? I know someone who moans and puts people down all the time but I know her well enough to know that she’s really unhappy. I must admit I don’t spend that much time with her because I find her totally draining ...

I suppose if they organise a coach or a minibus and then people start to drop out, it still has to be paid for (and they're not cheap).
However, if you say from the start that you won't be going then there shouldn't be a problem.

Gosh Nanny41 that doesn't sound a bundle of fun! There might be something about supporting the organiser though. That can be a hard task if you go to a bit of trouble then other people don't fancy going. Do you take turn about organising?

Nanny41 I do enjoy going to the women's group I belong to, but friend and I have commented that it is often just like being back at an all-girls' school.
Is your friend one of the prefects?

I doub t that the outings are all compulsory as I've never heard of that before.

Eglantine...what a problem...here’s the solution...get your invite in first. Ring her and say ‘ coffee at that nice cafe in the high street at 11 am...thrown in a cream scone ! Sorted.

I think you need to ask yourself whether you really want to go on being friends with this lady.

It sounds as if you don't have anything in common, so why not just drop her?

Ignore the telling off, nanny41. You've said no. Whether she likes your answer or not is irrelevant.

When the next idea for an outing comes up treat it in exactly the same way: decided whether you want to go and give you answer, yes or no.

I would like to ask some advice on this thread today, I recently joined a group of ladies who meet a couple of times a year when one in the group has organised a visit behing the scenes somewhere maybe a theatre or a factory or something like that. I spoke to my friend who asked me to join their group about one of the suggested visits, this to a Budhist temple I said I had been to one and didnt want to go to this one, oh dear, she was quite cross and said it isnt about not wanting to go unless there is some reason not to go, like being away, then it is expected for people to go, that was me told off. I honestly didnt know it was like this, I thought one had a choice, obviously not, now I am not sure I want to be with this group, when one cant say no to an idea, any advice please GN? Normally I never say no, but this was quite unexpected, should I just keep saying yes and put up with it?

I am deeply suspicious of those who assume others are showing off or trying to 'put them down'. Inverted snobbery or low self esteem? Why think the most negative way about other people's intentions?
It would be far more patronising to pretend they were having a hard time.

A motto I have in my kitchen.
"" putting out someone else's candle doesn't make yours shine any brighter" "

I think sometimes folks who talk down/brag .... are trying to make their candle shine brighter. They may actually be in awe of us

What is snobbery? She can’t pretend she doesn’t buy clothes from the supermarket or has a husband. She can only talk about who she is. Is it the way she talks about her life? Is she interested in your life and you.

Hi Eglantine - You never know, maybe her life is not at all as happy as she would have you think. We never know what really goes on in people's lives - we only know what they choose to tell us. Making you feel bad maybe her way of making her feel good. When she starts making remarks about your life just say "Well, it is what it is!" and, as others have said, change the subject. Good Luck!

*excuse

When she starts to talk about YOU, why not smile and say 'That's enough talk about me, tell me what you've been up to, been anywhere interesting lately? Keep asking her questions about HER life then exude yourself early. Have you a friend who could phone you and you make an excuse to leave early?
You could always point out her remarks as being unwarranted at a friendly lunch. I certainly would. Just say 'Let's not talk about me, your life is much more interesting'.
Next time...be too busy to accept.

Gosh she does sound dreadful, no matter how sincere. And a moan's frequently a good way of sorting things out in your mind. Besides, it's what we're here for!

Perhaps pretend to be ill as others have recommended (you could claim to have got food poisoning from a fabulously chic restaurant your chap took you to!) or try to put on an invisible Walkman as she talks. Next time she invites, make up an excuse about something v. exciting you already have plans for perhaps ... and hopefully if you just keep making excuses she'll eventually get the message.

Or make up excuses that will horrify her so much she'll stop making attempts: 'Sorry, we're going to nude bingo that day ... yes, it's an all-day thing ... the week after that? Oh I'll probably have to be doing something about these nits by then. They're simply not going away,' etc.

This probably sounds very hard-hearted, but no matter how kind she may be, if she makes you unhappy I don't think she's worth it. She doesn't seem to have any radar for others' feelings. And it's v. draining to be with people like that, even for a short while.

If she'd saved your life it might be different but ... no, actually it wouldn't!

I'll be happy to loan you my very best friend Bunbury ... he'll always happen to be in town when this person invites you out ... & he simply must be seen for an infinite variety of reasons ... he's marvelous!

Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel - but it's true that we all do it. What really upsets me (this is just me moaning about my little woes now) is how much things get to me now Mum's dead. I used to be able to shrug everything off & now it's like I've no skin at all. Even the tiniest little slights or just mere annoyances, a tone of voice or expression, get into my head like termites & bluebottles on speed & simply will not stop or go away. It's ridiculous. The exact opposite of the way I used to be.

Hark at me talking about putting on an invisible Walkman when I can't manage it anymore! Sorry I ended up turning this into Poor Me Go have a nice cup of cha & start making a list of glamorous or vile excuses, or new names for Bunbury!

I would cross her off my friends list! Invent a last minute visitor and say so sorry can’t make it. As we get older we need people around us who make us feel good!

Tessa; I saw that book in the best sellers list last night [I think there's another book by her, too]. May get it for DD for her birthday as I think it's too late for me!

Oh Eglantine I've got a friend like that. Thinks she's doing me a favour giving me the benefit of her company to escape my boring life, I have a small group of close friends on whom I can rely implicitly at all times, have a perfectly adequate social life and a long and stable marriage. She has a string of failed relationships and collects people all over the place, so has "hundreds" of "friends". The truth is I think she NEEDS my friendship more than I need hers, but I've known her since we were teenagers and I end up feeling some weird kind of loyalty, so put up with her implication that she's fitting me in as a favour when she contacts me -to be fair, she has a wicked sense of humour and can be fun to be with, but I have not been the one to initiate contact for several years. If I were her I probably would have stopped doing so by now - especially if I was sooo busy and had sooo many other friends.

Perhaps it was fate, 'meant to be'! Watch out for anything positive either of you can gain from the experience....