when do i say goodbye when leaving

thank you everyone. I am going to discuss this with my daughter. I drive for 3 hours just to visit her (happily so) and i am incredibly aware of just how lucky i am. It must be so horrible for grand parents who are unable to do something similar x

I agree that honesty is important. I also think it's not a bad thing for the children to get upset, because they then learn that they can deal with sad emotions. My DGD was crying for her mother and I listened and cuddled her, accepting her feelings as that's what I think is best. Ten minutes later she was happily playing and said to me, "I was sad, missing mummy, and now I'm not sad any more".
I smiled and agreed with her. Emotional intelligence.

I think it is easy to assume that because a child of that age can't have a proper conversation with you they don't understand everything you say. They do. I would discuss this with the parents and agree what to do with them.

My preference would be to tell the child, tears or no tears. At least then they will trust you.

We had a rule (our grandchildren are not 'little ones' any more) to always say goodbye, whether it was us or the children's parents who were taking their leave.

If we were babysitting, we would always go to the front of the house and wave goodbye to Mummy/Daddy as they left, for although as upsetting as that could be, the child, knew the parents had actually gone away and we could now explain how much fun we would would have until they came home again - always giving reassurance of the 'home again'.

I think our approach fostered trust between us all and has stood us in good stead throughout their childhoods.

Our daughter in law has had a a firm rule from day one. Comings and goings whether his parents or anyone else are explained calmly and in good time. Sometimes he’s ok, sometimes not but any storms soon pass and are rare. Mostly now he looks sad for a moment then plays happily again. He’s two.

We have a DGD (aged 4) 3 hours drive away. We only go every few weeks but speak on FT from time to time. When we go we tell her then that we're there for so many sleeps and repeat that each day til we say we're going home tomorrow after breakfast. Usually we can drive past her nursery and drop her off there which she is used to so no problem. During our stay she often says she wants us to stay "forever". We tell her we can't cos she knows our home and that is where we live. I think it's worse cos our other DD lives near to us so she knows we see her cousins more often. I would not want to upset her so have always told her we're going and that we'll see each other again soon.

My GGD who is nearly 2 comes to visit every fortnight with my DD (her nanna) she is more focused on her Grandpa when she is here and follows him everywhere they have a garden patch which they share and she measures how her plants have grown when she is here and marks them with a sticker,when it is time for her to go she takes the sticker with her and is told next time we will do the same,it seems to make saying bye-bye easy for her and for us.

I agree with Nelliemoser, my GD is nearly 3 and for the last year or so has been incredibly clingy with my DIL. There was a time when both the other Nanny and I were visiting and my DIL asked us both to leave without saying goodbye to GD for fear of upsetting her. My DIL would say she was just going to sneak off and do something while GD was busy. My GD would get distressed.

I've tried never to say anything which could remotely sound like criticism but while out one day, my DIL said she was going to sneak off to buy some snacks. With my heart in my mouth I suggested that my DIL tell my GD that she was going, and why and that she would be back. My DIL just looked at me. I thought, I might just as well burn my boats as I had come this far and added that I thought GD couldn't trust adults in her life not to disappear.

This has a happy outcome as my DIL hugged me and we are all now working on trying to reassure my GD.

I am now taking on board the other wise advice I've seen in this thread and other GN threads about ways to make leaving a child less painful for them.

I'm also only relating my experience and observation. It may not be relevant to others.

Aren't you lucky to be able to see your DGD for three days every fortnight. Many of us live too far away to be able to see our DGC for so long so frequently. Many living closer would be glad to see DGD that frequently - and I am not talking about families who are estranged or have difficult relations with their children.

We used to have this and we found a good solution was a countdown . We'd say things like , we have to go after lunch and we'd repeat that every half hour until it was time to go. As they got older we would say ' We're leaving in an hour, we're leaving in 30 mins etc and found that gave them time to understand .And be ready, so it never came as a shock.

We use the same technique for bedtimes. We never have a tantrum because we start the countdown quite early and then in the last 15 mins or so we say things like - 10 mins till story time and bed - and found it works a treat.

I think it works for this age group, agree with Bluebelle but when they are older I think you need to say goodbye and let them see you leave. They then learn people come back when they say they will and don't just vanish. When you do this its good to leave a small something they associate with you so they know you will come back to fetch it and it's a comfort to them whilst they wait

I don’t at all think it’s just about yourself it saves the child screaming and the poor mum left with an upset babe it always worked with mine by the time they woke up there were new things to do or eat and they d forgotten I d even been there

I think it is better to actually say goodbye, wave and or give hugs etc to the child and not just sneak away. A see you soon would help.
18 mnths is a bit early but they should be able to wave.
Too sneak off is helping you feel better not the child.

I do the same it saves the tears and she ll get used to you appearing and disappearing they have short memories at that age