Childcare criticism

I think, with all, you are doing for them, they need to compromise more. They seem to be picking over small things when, in fact, they should be thanking you. Maybe your DIL feels guilty about leaving her all day. But id be tempted to have a quiet word with son regarding your concerns. Difficult because obviously you don't want to fall out with them and be unable to spend time with your GD, but best tackle these issues before they grow to unpleasantness. I'm with you regarding dummies. If a child doesn't ask for it, then it's not needed.

I think if she had lunch at 12:30 then an apple in the afternoon there's nothing wrong with that perhaps her evening meal could be at five instead of five thirty. As for the dummy,who would force a child to have a dummy if they don't need it? It's a comfort thing but won't be if they have it all the time
, and it can damage her teeth coming through. Everything has changed since we had our children but Im afraid if they want someone to be regimented to their desires they have to pay for it. At our age it's whatever gets you through a long tiring day. As long as child is warm,fed,safe,loved and stimulated when you have her the other stuff doesn't matter.

My parents looked after my two boys (first one, then two) when I worked full time. The rule was you do what Nan and grandad say in their house. You do what Mum and Dad say in their house. Just because they allowed something didn't mean we would and vice versa. We had a set of basic rules and the rest was down to whichever home they were in. We collaborated on things but if they decided lunch time was at 2 pm and ours was 12 that was it. No debating or getting funny over who did what and when. I would have preferred to be home but it wasn't to be and grandparents caring was ideal.

A few years ago you'd be in trouble for allowing food between meals. That was always one of my strict rules when my daughter was small. Not that my mum took much notice, I'm sure.
My daughter also used to accept that I didn't keep changing the grandchildren. I thought a blob of food was ok to leave.

I still work, so can't offer childcare. Saying that, my attitude would be...if you're not happy with the way the child is being looked after, pay for childcare. I'm sure your son and his partner would soon change their tune! Enjoy your granddaughter, and let their comments go over your head

I think that maybe concern over the food issue was justified but such concern should have been addressed more sensitively. As for changing the child back into the clothes that she was previously wearing, I think that's just plain silly.

On this occasion, I would let it rest but if it is routine for the parents to constantly criticise I think I would be inclined to say that I was finding all the criticisms too worrying and tiring and suggest that they make alternative arrangements.

I really don't see why grandparents should be expected to keep quiet if no appreciation is shown for the help they are giving or common sense and courtesy applied when addressing concerns - even if those concerns are justified.

I read this post with interest. I help my working D with child care. I asked her today what she felt about this post and how she felt about my quality of care. Her response was very interesting, she said there are many posts on mumsnet about Grandparents providing childcare and criticism of the grandparents, she said overwhelming the response from other mums was, be grateful, accepting and appreciative or pay for childcare and stop moaning.

I was taking my adult autistic son to the museum. My DGD was intrigued and like a sponge watching archive film show and watching other children also there. I usually take her to a toddler group or the local park or swimming pool

They are so very lucky to have you to care for her. I would have a word with your son and tell him so. Perhaps they were having a bad day. On Mumsnet posters are constantly posting they wish their Mum or MIL would care for their children for even 1/2 day each week.

I agree I used to feed my children only at mealtimes perhaps with a drink & snack mid morning & mid afternoon. But nowadays I've noticed GC are demanding snacks at frequent intervals and their mums always have snacks to give them.
On the other hand if she didnt ask for anything to eat.....!
My D and DiL have always given me a schedule with times of meals/snacks and left food or suggestions for them. I agree with others that it would be a good idea to ask for suggestions of food and timings and go with it even if you dont agree.
My GD did still have a couple if drinks of milk (in a sippy cup) at that age.
Other than that I cant see any problems with what you did - sounds good to me.

Agree with Paddyann but I would say you need to sit down with the parents and talk. Tell them how you feel.

I agree with OldMeg that parents often feel guilty they arnt looking after the child themselves, and I would also add, a little jealous. Sounds like you had a really nice day, and they were slogging it out at work, who know what sort of day they had.....

Changed her clothes? So what? she was dressed! I take my GC to school, clubs, friends etc. My car/house, my rules! See how far they get without me!

I think it sounds as though there is stress and tiredness on both sides so perhaps you need to talk through what the expectations are on both sides. However if you are not happy with the arrangement then perhaps it is time to call a halt.

I think that 5 hours between meals is just too long for a baby of 13 months (but fine for a 3 year old). At 13 months babies tend to eat tiny portions. When my kids were that age the advice was to give protein snacks such as yogurt or a piece of cheese. I was also surprised there was no mention of milk which is usually a large part of 1 year old's diet while they are growing fast.

I would also not necessarily change clothes for a small stain. I was wondering whether there is a greater disagreement between you and the parents about how to dress the child? Do you prefer little girls in dresses while the parents prefer more practical clothes? As if the top was dirty why change the bottoms as well? (knitted tights tend to be pretty cold in winter as they let the air in - they were banned at my kids' nursery unless you had trousers to go over the top).

Again I think there is a need to talk issues through with the parents. If it is making you so frustrated perhaps everyone would be happier if they used paid childcare.

I think you looked after your GD for a very long time and packed loads of things into the day, so you were probably a bit tired and not expecting this reaction, so very upset. They too probably had had a busy day and were tired and worried/guilty about leaving their DD, even though they know she is happy and cared for. Also, you're probably right that DiL feels guilty about you providing childcare all the time and not her DM. Everything seems bit a stressful with first children. Rather than getting upset, just listen to what they say and ask yourself if they have a point - even did you feel like that with your first? Try to feed GD on a more regular basis, even if it means cutting down the trips, or taking food out with you. My DD always used to have a hissy fit about something or other, then phone/text later to apologise for being grumpy. I know the last thing in the world she wanted to do was leave DGS with anyone else but she has to work, so I would never ever threaten her with not providing childcare (couldn't do without him either ). We do disagree on the dummy though - with Nan he only has it if he needs it (rarely) - and she manages to keep remarkably quiet about it! Like other posters, I would say enjoy your GD, perhaps drop her off to DiL, who must be missing her, and decide between you where she should eat her evening meal. Keep the details of the day positive and short. You will all start to relax eventually!

But I think this wAS A ONE-OFF - FAMILY TURNED UP EARLY TO PICK HER UP WHEN op ABOUT TO FEED HER. Ignore the capitals!!! - fat fingers.

I dont think GUILT comes into it ,the baby is being kept too long without food...simple.A baby that age should have at least 22 ounces of milk as well as three meals and two healthy snacks a day ...meals should all include protein ..You shouldn't be worrying about a childs weight at this age ,as they get more mobile they need the calories for growth.Honestly some of the replies on here make me realise why there are so many who have problem relationships with their AC.

How dare they. Let them find another free childminder. I am appalled. Shame on them.

My family hates dummies and considers them to be disgusting, dirty things that often hinder speech so that's never been a problem. If I look after grandchildren my daughter will bring snacks in a lunch box and we discuss beforehand what I will offer for lunch but they are also welcome to eat whatever I have in the house during the day as well.

I do think if children are allowed to graze continuously though they then expect food on tap all the time and then don't always want to finish off their main meal. My daughter did start out being a bit precious in the early days with her first one which is not how I bought her up to be but she could soon see I would look after my granddaughter with love, fun and discipline so I do what I like with them now.

If had given up full time paid work to do free childcare I would expect a certain amount of gratitude, respect, hardly any criticism and some occasional treats as thanks!!

My best friend has 9 adult children, all breast fed as babies, all brought up, I think, very successfully. But when she offered some advice to her second daughter about her daughters first baby, she was told in no uncertain terms, ‘You know nothing’. Likewise, I’m a very experienced HV but have been lectured by (usually) darling SiL about the benefits of breast milk, baby sleep, etc, etc.

I think that we have to learn to ‘zip it’ as regards advice and as others on this thread have suggested, care for our grandchildren lovingly, don’t offer what may be seen as unwanted advice and then generally get out and enjoy ourselves with friends on our ‘days off’.

In fact, at the moment I’m on a sunny island on my ‘days off’ (love the Hotel WiFi) and lots of the possibly unintended criticisms from SiL, etc, have receded somewhat while I think about where DH and I can go for another swim and then a drink before dinner! ??

My sil suffered the same sort of behaviour with her DD. She was told off for dressing GD in an outfit that DD hadn't chosen, an DD really let rip and told her to leave. My sil travelled home the same day very confused and upset.

When we talked about it, I said 'Don't worry, she'll be back when she wants you to look after GD for week again' and true to form, she was.

Had it been my daughter, she would have had a telling off from me about her rudeness and lack of respect. We can pussyfoot around them too much for fear of losing touch with grandchildren.

I would just just become unavailable sometimes and see how they get on.

Oops...lost not list.

Yes, sometimes when I receive a bit of criticism, I think I might tell my daughter that it's ok , I resign and that they can hire a Norland Nanny.
Also I think that one day I will send her an invoice!
But this is one way I can help them and I do get a lot of fun and pleasure seeing them grow up.
If I wrote a novel it would be called " the Default Setting" as if Mummy and Daddy are both working there is always Grandma to fall back on.

If you can't afford for one of you to be 'at home' with the children but you want to dictate to and berate the carer of your child for minor 'differences' in YOUR way and the childminder's way, then don't have kids.
That behaviour is a red rag to me. I don't tolerate rudeness OR a graceless attitude NO MATTER how tired or stressed the parents are. I'm no whipping boy.
You've brought up your own children and don't need the hassle.
I brought up my five without any help from my or my exes parents. His were in Oz, my DF was dead and mum lived 180 miles away. Ex worked for oil company and away for weeks at a time. I never ever list patience or became tired, it was a wonderful experience and I'd do it all again. Your DS and DIL need a wake up call.

Wow!...just WOW!

I would have suggested that as your parenting skills obviously don't match their needs, then it's time they paid an au pair, got the other GM to do it or put their daughter in a nursery and see if they can complain to others as they've been doing to you.
DO NOT apologise. You've done nothing wrong at all.
Tell them that you're fed up with their gripes and you know that your skills in caring for children are faultless. Don't, fgs, let them make you feel less than the good and caring mum and grandmother that you are. If they want you to abide by certain silly rules then they must care for her themselves.
At no time must you let them use the child as a tool. Don't be afraid to stand your ground and if they hint at you not seeing your GD, take no notice. That is menacing behaviour and you have rights. Please don't let them browbeat you.
They should apologise.
I'd have shown them the door and demanded an apology.