In restrained lioness mode

Your DD trusts them enough to have her children stay with them overnight. They can’t be a bad!

Sorry but this is all in the hands of your SIL. He knows very well what is going on and the remedy is in his hands, What a wimp not to tell his parents to either respect his wife or stay away.

Sorry, but until your SIL decides to 'grow a pair' and stand up to his domineering mother then this will continue. He must be aware of the situation and it is his responsibility to tell his parents that until they can treat his wife and her family with the respect and courtesy they deserve then they are no longer welcome in his or his children's lives.
You must have brought your daughter up to be either extremely polite or she is allowing herself to be bullied... if this was me I would have refused them to have anything to do with my child until they learnt to respect me as a mother and wife.

Sorry, not had time to read all posts so hope I'm not duplicating. I think you should just vent on here and anywhere else you can but not to DD or any other family. If you vent at DD you may make her discontented when she was already able to cope. Just my opinion.

I expect your DD is quiet and SIL doesn’t notice much ( men often don’t.)

* VQ* I understand how you feel, but stay out of it.Those parents are strange and selfish, but your DD seems to understand the situation and they are helping with the children.
Some parents do seem to dote on their sons more than their daughters.

SIL is a nice lad who’s easy to get on with
No, he isn't a nice lad. He allows his mother and sister to treat his wife with contempt. Either he is so self-absorbed as to not notice it, or he thinks treating her like that is just fine - does he treat her that way too?

You can't do anything about his family, but if he doesn't insist they treat his wife with more respect, he's not much of a husband.

Vampirequeen.
100% with you and your feelings BUT let the other side change the nappies and have sleepless nights.You admit your baby time is over. What baby will remember who did this or who did that.? This is but a small part of a childs' life. Babies soon grow into kids who then grow into adults who will make their own decisions. Any control the in laws now appear to have will be short lived as far as grandchildren are concerned.Take my word for it.
Your daughter is a grown woman let her deal with MIL herself. Can you not let this childishness from the opposition wash over you.? They appear immune to any one else but themselves so let them have their moments.
From experience my kids 'got away' with far more and got more attention where my MIL was concerned than they got from my mother .This did not appear to affect their feelings or their opinions and as small children and then into adults both grandparents were loved and respected equally.

PS as before, wonderful book ‘Toxic In laws’ which I bought second hand on Ebay for £2.50 or so. The psychologist author divides toxic people/in laws into five main groups:

1. Engulfers
2. Controllers
3. Rejectors
4. Abusers
5. Chaotics

I would add another group, ‘Takers’.

We respond to different people differently, and our actions may also be misinterpreted as toxic by others.

The book has changed for the better how I respond to toxic people, not just in laws but also colleagues, neighbours etc.

Happy reading ?

Have to confess to keeping out of the way of dd's mil who was conspicuously absent when the gc were small so it was only us to help with childcare. Didnt mind usually but sometimes it would have been nice if she had offered occasionally. She has just started to help now they are at school.
We arent close and only see each other briefly once a year, which probably suits us both i think. Its a pity and not what i would have chosen but it is what it is.

Your daughter needs to ensure that her husband gets his parents to treat her and you with respect. If she allows that behaviour to continue it will eventually affect the marriage. She needs your guidance and support.

Gosh, it all sounds so amazingly familiar, I love Gransnet - so much cheaper, convenient and MUCH better than going for counselling!

My darling stepdaughter has an MIL and FIL who are very VERY keen on being the main, best, primary grandparents. MiL also wants, it feels, to be mother to my stepdaughter (her mum died 25 years ago, ie about two years before I met her dad). We have been turned away by these in laws, and I was once physically pushed away, and told by them that ‘they are there to look after the children’!

I was initially very upset, but came to realise that the pair of them are rather needy and addicted to being wanted. I honestly don’t think that our son in law sees it.

My darling step daughter now sees it and like your daughter gets peeved but maintains very good relationships with them for the sake of her husband and their children.

I don’t understand the in laws myself, these relationships are not competitions, love (to my view) grows and being unkind to others can’t be good for their karma.

I now remain polite, call them rude names under my breath, and we try to make sure that we don’t go when they are there!

Seasons greetings to everyone, and hope that everyone has a happy and peaceful Christmas ?????

I empathize Vq the one and only time I was at DD's house and her FiL popped in I greeted him by name in a friendly manner and was totally ignored.
ex SiL would not allow H and I to visit at the same time as his parents.

your DD is a saint. Your SILobviously enjoys the attention and doesn't expect to include your DD. Now he has DD accepting he is the King of the castle. Only your DD can put him right.

It's possible DD isn't really upset by it. I had similar in-laws - in fact worse as they were actually rude to me about my appearance, clothes etc - and basically we all just rolled our eyes and allowed ourselves to be mildly amused behind their backs. Not everyone reacts by feeling hurt or upset when faced with a rude relative. Personally I would let DD set the tone. If she's ok with it, just carry on as you have been.

Would it be possible for you to have a quiet word with your SiL and point out it is his job to defend your DD from unpleasant and ignorant people ie his parents and you think he needs to say something to his parents about treating his wife with the respect she deserves. I would be furious too, but I would definitely say something.

VampireQueen...what can you actually do? The answer is nothing. Your DDs inlaws are pants but without your SIL sticking up for her, there is really nothing you can do except commiserate with you beloved daughter.
If you go in all guns blazing it would undoubtably make it worse for you DD and what is worse, maybe her marriage.
They would take critism from their son as he will always be their son, but they inherited your DD.
It's their stupid loss. I was in this situation with my short sighted MIL and my husband never supported me against his Mothers jibes. Now I am a MIL I am extremely careful.
It's bloody painful though and I am not minimising your pain with the situation in the least. Protecting your children from harm is a primary instinct but this one has to be left with your DD and her wet husband.

In the long run, it may be quite good for GC having 2 totally different grandmas. But eventually they will notice that daddy's mum ignores their mummy, and they will find that upsetting.

And grandparent must stop with this "we're entitled" nonsense. Being a parent/grandparent is a priviledge not an entitlement.

I agree with SunnySusie, your DD seems to cope with her rude in laws. I also admire your restraint VQ, I would probably have gone for their throats by now.

If SIL realises how his wife is being treated, he should stand up to his Mum and Sister, and make life easier for DD and yourself too.Good Luck

I am so angry for your DD Vampire how dare her MIL dismiss her as she does I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut to be honest and SIL needs to speak up sharply and put his mother and sister right.
I would suggest DD stops sleep overs and tell them why if they ask they can always ask you if they are going somewhere special can't they.
I am so like you with the lioness protection anyone who upsets her will feel my wrath 100%.

Typos but you know what I'm saying...

Tell your DD to keep being the person she is and you do the same. You great them, you keep greeting them. Not for them but for yourself and your morals and those that you've taught your daughter. Shitty people will always stay shitty people.

You and only you at responsible for wheat you say and do in life. Dont let them change who you are!

I must say I really admire your DD. She understands the situation, is of course peeved about it which is only natural, but it sounds as if she is living with it, since nothing can be changed. What a great girl! A good Mum, maintaining her relationship with SIL despite it all, she sounds so mature and sensible. You have a great daughter vampirequeen!