too kind daughter

Hmm, well I spent several years in my forties driving 150 miles each way, every other weekend to support my parents who had said no to a flat we would have built on the side of the house.
My husband was very supportive but when he died a few years later I missed the time I should have been spending with him. My teenage daughter was resentful that I was often not there and it damaged our relationship.
A friend killed herself driving round the M25 every weekend to support her elderly mother and father who wouldn't move closer.
Now my son drives a round trip of 700 miles (I can't do it any more) to visit my husband's father who wouldn't move closer to us.
I guess it depends on what you will put in place for when you can't manage and what your ,maybe unstated, expectations will be of your daughter. How much your children's love for you will compel them to sacrifice their own lives. How much you will care about that as long as you retain your independence.
Sorry I'm a bit jaundiced. You must do what you think best, of course.

We are in the middle of moving into a tiny Granny Flat attached to DD1 s New build , she wanted us to move several years ago , wish we had done it then . I am waiting for a new hip and am full time carer for OH since his PD took a nose dive, but all the upheaval would have been easier to cope with when she first suggested it

The other thing to think about is your health. There would be a lot of sense in us doing this as OH not well. You do not know what is around the corner health-wise.

We considered this , until DH pointed out that if they sold up or separated we would be In avery vulnerable position.

Well, I smiled ruefully. 20 years ago I made a similar offer to my parents. They joked about how I had always been bossy, they were happy as they were, and would face whatever life threw at them from the home they had loved for so long.
5 years later they were struggling to cope, although they could afford carers and cleaners, they relied emotionally on me visiting once or twice a week as I took time away from my job and made the journey to them. My mum ended up in residential care sooner than she otherwise would have done, and the toll on my dad meant he was in poor health after that.
From my point of view, it would have been ' better' if they had been nearer and in more suitable accommodation. From their point of view, a few years of struggle and slightly earlier deaths were the price they were happy to pay for making their own choices.

I was happy to respect that, but it would have been harder if I had been even further away, or unable to drop my hours. To support them, I dropped 1 working day for the last 10 years of my working life. I would like to respectfully suggest that you are very clear to your daughter about the reasons for your choices, and what you expect, or not, from her in the future.

It is lovely of her too ask you but like you I wouldn't want to (and I'm on my own).
My son (wife and 3 kids) always says when he wins the lottery will I have Granny annexe or granny bungalow in the grounds! ?
I just say yes because of course it will never happen. Nice to be asked though??

There is no tyranny like the emotional tyranny of a beloved and loving relative.

As Bluebelle says, you are happy where you are. You do not want to move, end of. You have to keep repeating yourself, again and again and again until finally your DD gets the message.

The thing you must NOT do is let her lead you in to any 'what if' scenarios. How nice it would be when the weather was bad and you had help on hand. If we converted it to a house how much garden would you want etc etc, until she has you seeing a future there through her eyes.

We once came very close to moving house because very close friends were so happy in the area they had moved to that the whole area became suffused in a rosy glow. However when we got back home and sat and thought we realised that the things they were able to do in their new their new home that made them so happy were things we had no interest in and the opportunities to do the things we really enjoyed were non-existent. We didn't move.

TellNo1Ok, you are going to have to be very focussed and determined against this loving onslaught.

I would say it depended on how far away from her you will be living if you remain where you are and whether or not you are you in good health.
I think many children worry about their parents and how they - are/will be - managing. DD seems constantly worrying about what will I do if DH ( her step dad) dies before me!
A friend who was widowed last Christmas has gone to live very near one of his DD because of the worrying they were all doing and he is now spending long lonely days (in UK) on his own as he knows no one. Where he was living ( in France) he had many friends watching over him and inviting him out for coffee and he often spent many days with us or his neighbour.
Children usually mean very well but at times it is for their peace of mind rather than the happiness of the parent. Maybe your DD is thinking along the lines that together you and your DH could make a new life together which a single one of you could continue alone.

Yes lovely thought from your daughter, you must be proud of her. I would feel exactly the same as you do, I value my independence and if you are happy with the status quo then why change. The only other thing to consider would be if you or your daughter needed help from each other in any way. Stay happily where you are is my advice.

Just smile and nod!

What a lovely daughter you have. I know of cases where this has worked well but if you are happy no need to change.

Sounds very grand. How nice your daughter wants you to be close by. Is their purchase dependant on you buying the barn (or would you get it for free and be able to live on the proceeds of your current home...smart cars, fur coats, diamonds, good restaurants and lots of holidays? ) .
How far is it from where you are now?
Lots to think about. Wouldnt call it a problem, if you get on well it could be lovely.

HI Tellno1ok your post made me smile.

If it was my daughter I'd be able to say to her "What part of (lovely invite, but) no thanks, didn't you understand?" and we'd laugh about it. Then I'd say "Will keep you posted if I ever change my mind!"

Welcome to GN if you're new.

You stay exactly where you are and tell her you do appreciate her thinking about you but you re going to be staying where you are.... and just stick to your guns end of
If she keeps bringing it up just saying ‘darling we re not moving’ and then change the subject.
She ll get fed up eventually if you stick to your big fat No thanks