Suddenly Single at 75

This must have been horrible for you on so many levels ggmarion and I do feel for you.
Citizens Advice as many have said worth a vist and find a solicitor that does charge the earth C A may be able to help with this as well.
But most of all look after yourself and use the help of family and friends.

Good luck Marion, you are being very brave, and retaining your self respect. It will be a big upheaval, but hopefully you will find a new place that you love, small but easy to look after and all yours. You can enjoy choosing your decor, and have just what you want in your house. He will be the loser long term.

Best wishes

So sorry to hear about his disgraceful behaviour to you but listen to all those who have been through the same thing. Good family, friends (I include GNetters here) will keep you balanced, informed and sane.

I had two long relationships (this is the first time I have ever written about them). My first husband was a lying, cheating, mentally and physically cruel control freak with paedophile tendencies.

It was a truly miserable and humiliating experience. But being the good catholic girl, I stayed and just tried to do everything he wanted me to do (cannot even talk about that yet after 23 years!) so as to keep the peace and keep our children happy and healthy.

Then something happened that gave me the strength to stand up to this bully and he collapsed. Not long after he had a violent episode which ended up with him throwing me out of the house while he changed the locks.

There was lots of other stuff including me finding out he had sexually harassed my two sisters for years and years even when the younger one was aged 13.

But for the first time, despite the poverty - he refused to give me any money when I managed to get back into the house to look after our young children, waking up in the morning on my own was pure pleasure instead of something to be afraid of wondering what he would do to me/the children that day.

I often think about writing a book so young women will be able to recognise any features of these type of bullies and then avoid them like the plague! But they don't they tend to gravitate to them (like me) as they come over strong, persuasive, flattering etc.

I was so angry for years and years and can honestly say that was so damaging. Maintaining anger I think is a kind of self-harming.

I would so have loved to have had a life long partner where we could enjoy, relish our children and now their children.

I then lived with a man who was a constant liar and a cheat - but conversely he gave me so much self-confidence that allowed me to change my life completely for the better.

Since we separated, once I realised that I actually don't need to be validated by having a husband/partner, life is amazing. Thankfully I have a job I love, children and grandchildren and lots of good friends and interests.

It is freedom of the highest order. I once read that when your ex cheats and then cements that relationship, you should feel liberated as he is no longer your problem, you don't need to worry anymore where he is, who he is with. She has all those problems because once a cheat, always a cheat?

So get the financials done, think about all the changes you want to make to your life whether physical, domestic, spiritual or otherwise and make lists of these.

The very, very best of luck for the future making some amazing memories.

This happened to my dearest friend and after a year she said " What started out to be the worst year of my life ended up to be the best year of my life"-------so look after yourself,friends and family will get you through,plus GN.
Best of luck ,it is his loss .

How awful and sad for you. All the advice above is brilliant. Make sure you get yourself secure financially. That and health are most important. Hope you have one or two friends to help you cope. And family, too. Life's crappy knocks do get harder to deal with as we get older, but we CAN do it! All good wishes to you. Let us know how you are.

Sorry Marion - my post crossed with your post updating your position. Well done you for dealing with this ...... And again I wish you all the very best & much happiness with the next chapter in your life x

So sad for you ggmarion, found myself in similar situation ( hubbie was having affairs - plural).. it was difficult and scary at first with 3 kids but you must get your financial future sorted.. don't walk away from that just him.. Give yourself time to grieve for what was and then move on - be sure you are worth it! If I can make it so can anyone...now happily married to my fabulous OH who I met via the internet.
Good Luck!

it has been eight years since my lovely hubby passed away.Yes I do feel lonely a lot of the time.I have friends I see and talk to and a little dog for company.Also have two lovely sons and three grandchildren.Stay strong hun, you will be ok. xx

Is this just stupidity or has she a material motive? - As the others say - Citizens Advice. Also their online guide is good. I sure you will be better off steering your own ship!
citizensadvice.org.uk/

A horrible thing to happen in your own home .... Though from what you said I'm guessing they were both under the influence! But that's not the point.

I realise you don't want to see "her next door" but I would still recommend that you return to your home, shove OH into spare bedroom, get estate agents round & then assess the implications of selling up, moving on, etc. And of course get legal advice!

I can't give any help on being alone so will just wish you well.
Be brave. Living alone sounds preferable than living with a husband who's such a heavy drinker that ..... Well who knows what.

Wishing you all the very best x

Parents of the other woman must feel awful. What a terrible betrayal from them both! I wish you all the best for the future. You deserve so much better. Take a day at a time. Hugs

Hi Marion. I am also trying to adapt living alone. Although not the same reason. My husband died a few months ago. Dealing with the grief is one thing, dealing with being alone is another. But I'll tell you that I never in a million years thought I could do it! It's not easy, some days are worse than others, but I surprised myself. I didn't join any clubs or groups or any of that..yet. Might do. But for the moment, it's one day at the time. Learn to please yourself. Eat what you want. Go out when you want. It's difficult to do after being married for over 50 years and having to think of others all the time. If you are financially secure, then you can do it. Its not bad really..aside from the grief. In your case the betrayal is something you'll come to terms with eventually. My message to you is "please yourself" and enjoy your family. Good luck. You are not alone!

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I did see a solicitor and sorted the finances. ' He ' is now buying my share of the property which means he gets to stay there with all we had built up over the years. I won't be able to buy anything in that league but there isn't a price to put on peace of mind. Yes, looking back I more or less lived a solitary life after he started drinking at precisely 5.30 each evening. I had befriended the neighbour many times in the past when she was drunk and incapable of standing. Cleaned her up and put her to bed then checked on her. I had a key to their house and when her parents were away they asked me to keep an eye on her. It feels like I have been stabbed in the back. I will now take the advice given here and plan to eat what I like and go where I want to go and find the positives. I do not believe in self pity and will pull myself up by my boot straps, paste a smile on my face and start again. I am lucky in so many ways, healthy, reasonably fit, good family and loyal friends. Plus , of course, gransnetters. My thanks to you all.

I am loving my single life now, it's now all about living my life and having fun. So many single travellers sites about, over 50 meet up groups etc so the world is your oyster, grab it and be happy. It's his loss not yours, good luck ?

Been thinking about this since an earlier post, and realised that men who suddenly change their domestic arrangements after decades of marriage risk losing their whole family.
One of my adult kids have little to do with himself, the other nothing; his behaviour both before and after leaving affected them profoundly, even now, and I've no idea if he even knows he has the most gorgeous little toddler granddaughter. We never made it to 15 years, much less the 20s, 30+ years being talked about here.
Good luck ggM

You've been given lots of good advice already from those who've been there. This advice, backed by bitter experience, is gold-dust.

I haven't been in that situation but I'd just like to say - good for you for leaving and not putting up with it for one moment longer. The contempt with which this man has treated you is breathtaking. Wave him goodbye!

Agree you need good legal advice. Make sure you get all that is yours. Very best wishes.

My husband of 30 years suddenly left me 10 years ago out of the blue.
I was in shock for about 3 years but survived.
I was determined not to let it break me! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger .
Good luck x

I was 68 when my ex treated me so badly. Now I'm 75 and can empathise with just how difficult it is, but you know, we don't need anyone in our lives who treats us with disrespect. My ex was a liar and a cheat which came as a huge shock to everyone. No one could believe what he did with my so called friend.

I want to recommend that you take a look at wikivorce.com for free advice on what the options are for you now. That website saved my sanity and a lot of money.

Lean on family and friends and of course GNetters. This is the worst time for you now, when you are full of fears of being alone and how you'll manage, but you will, believe me. Look at the girl looking back at you from the mirror and tell her not to be afraid. Love yourself enough to take the steps to live the rest of your life free from the disrespect of those two.

Hugs for being brave,

So much good advice here so no more from me. Just sending you and a hug GGmarion. Xx

Yep !!! Living alone is great.

I want you to look on this as a chance to do all those things that you wanted to do since you were single.

Sort out the money first.

What an awful shock for you ggmarion. If you own the house, you will obviously need to see a solicitor to sort things out. You do need to get income sorted out so you get whatever you are entitled to; joint accounts should be frozen until you agree with your ex husband what needs to be done.
Also, you need time to grieve. Losing a husband like this is, in some ways, worse than him dying suddenly. You need time to process your emotions but whilst doing so, hold on tight to the idea that life goes on and you can still have a good one.

My husband traded me in for a younger model about 13 years ago and once I got over the shock I realised I was better off without him. Living alone has lots to recommend it. You do what you want when you want and I realised I'd been held back from doing some things I'd always wanted to do. The only drawback is I'm very untidy and disorganised and there's no-one to keep things in order now so I live in chaos - but at least there is no-one to move things randomly so I can usually find things eventually. At first I worried about being alone and lonely, and looked at internet dating but all the men I came across seemed to only want one thing - which wasn't where I was at the time. Now I'd have to meet someone very very special to give up the freedom I have as a single person. I have friends, I volunteer, I work and am generally kept pretty busy so rarely feel lonely. If you do , join something. There are plenty organisations providing social events of all kinds where you will meet new friends in the same position as you. Good luck!

GGMarion, once the finances are sorted, focus on yourself. Living alone needs adjustment, but it has so many advantages. A friend of mine who was in your situation had a few top tips:
- no matter how crummy you feel, get up every day, put on some make-up, even if it just lipstick, put on your 'game face' and get out there. I was sceptical, but doing this gets you in a positive head-space.
- Set up 'treats' throughout the week, for example, coffee with a friend, going to the cinema, going to a museum or gallery, whatever floats your boat, and consciously relish every minute.
- make a list of the stuff you didn't do when you were with him but wanted to. Do the stuff on the list.

My own recommendation would be to get involved in volunteering. There is something out there for everyone and you are never too old. Do something that reflects your interests or involves something you have always fancied having a go at.

I know you are probably feeling right now, but in time you will, as my friend did, find that you prefer being on your own. As a long-time singleton I find the idea of living with someone unappealing (men are like yaks, appealing enough creatures, but you wouldn't want to live with one).

So sorry to hear this Marion, you must put you first now. Check out were you stand legally with Citizens Advice and act from the advice they give you. It must be very hard for you. Be kind to yourself and try and enjoy some of life,s little pleasures that you might have wanted to do in the past and never got the chance to. Although this can,t be easy at the moment if you can join something ...maybe a local community centre that has various things on....it will do you good if you can eventually become involved in doing something different and maybe making a new friend or two with like minded interests as yours. Take care, wishing you well.x

Suddenly realised a few months ago that if Brad Pitt walked in, I wouldn't let him move in. I love living alone.

Sort out your future money, where to live, do you feel physically secure in your new home etc.

Massive good luck to you. One day you might think they did you a favour. Stay strong.