How do you make new friends in later life?

I rather find now, that I get used as a new friend. The manager of the charity shop where I volunteered rang me often to fill in shifts but that was just convenience for her. A local friend I made, has, I just realised, used me as cat sitter / child care / parcel depot and borrowed money she had no intention of returning, you have to be careful when you are lonely not to be taken advantage of.

I sort of drifted into being obliging and got my fingers burnt.

I still have a couple of old friends and making new ones, well .....how eactly do you replace those lost years of history with them? There is just one person who remembers me now when I had a waist and was a 'stunner'. I am just a dumpy, old person fit for making up the numbers at charity things because they need to sell tickets, or for running the book stall.

What I really crave is a bit of bad company.........too late, I have found U3A groups stuffy and I am beset by tinnitus so going to things like WI, I can't hear what anyone is saying and frankly they are not reknowned for their anarchist tendencies (although they did give Blair a hard time) is it just being older that makes other people seem so dull?

I am dull too .....can't walk far or drive any distance, but I long to go to galleries and theatre and so few people want to do that, they all want to take me with them to the boot fair and I end up watching their kids while they go for a good look round.

I am invited to the Methodist Chapel picnic and 'praise in the park' on Sunday, I tell them I am not a Christian and they are such nice people..but entertaining it ain't. They say they invite me to things because 'I 'm better than Pam Ayres' at making them laugh, no pressure then.

I feel as if I live life going through the motions, the joy has gone.

The original NWR where I live eventually disbanded. I recently checked out a couple other groups nearby but they both held their meetings on what is my choir night.

I can't win at the moment.

The NWR - mentioned by me earlier- is not cliquey. They meet in people's houses and so they can't ignore you! They have to introduce you and the room is too small to exclude anyone.

Any group can be cliquy. Our U3A has a coffee morning once a week, and people do tend to hog a table and not let others join. We are working on that, we have a Welcome team for newbies, and as far as possible don't let them take chairs away :-)
Oh and the way round cliquiness is to join the committee. We are always looking for new people because there is a time limit on how long anyone can serve without a break.
You soon find where you have a talent that is useful.

I'm near to tears hearing about Jane and Liz who also lost their best friend to dementia. My friend does not have Alzheimers but another sort of dementia but she is not who she was.

I know her children well but I don't see them as our paths never cross and actually they seem to be so in the middle of life itself that they accept their mother as she is.

BUT she was never the same with them as she was with me.

I help run a U3a group in the UK which is learning German and supply them with newspaper articles and quizzes etc to help them practice their German. They seem to be friendly but there is an inner group.

In Germany they don't go in much for new friendships but hang around with the people they went to school with or even those who they went to Kindergarten with or even colleagues. If you come from abroad like me then you usually get on best with those who are also born some where else. This is largely to do with the people who live in this part of Germany. I have heard that other parts of Germany are friendlier

Losing a friend to dementia (or anyone close really) is such a cruel way to lose them.

I am still friends with about six other ladies with whom I used to work many years ago. We meet very couple of months for lunch and try to get a round table so that it is easier to chat. Nobody dominates the conversation, so it works well.

I have had a few problems recently and one of them noticed that I was quiet and asked if I was ok. I told them all about my problems and it was a huge help to me. I know I can trust them to be discreet and kind. One of the other ladies was in a difficult position a few months ago and we all gave her a sympathetic listening.

One of my very best friends, who was an enormous help to me when I was getting divorced, got dementia a few years ago and I miss her dreadfully. I kept visiting her and she always remembered me. She died earlier this year and I am still unable to talk about her out loud.

MargaretX, how you descibe the relationship with your best friend is so similar to the one I had with mine. We met when we were both expecting our eldest children. She went on to have eight children and I had five, plus one long stay fosterling (and in the earlier years other small foster children). When we went out people used to think we came from a children's home!!
As the years went on we were able to talk to each other and 'complain' about our children in a way neither of us could to anyone else. We eventually lived about 50 miles from each other, but at least once every day had a long 'phone conversation. Even now, six years since she died - I often think, 'Oh I must tell M...... about that'.
There is no way that I could ever even try to build that sort of relationship with anyone else now.
I should think it was probably easier for me that she actually died, than having to cope with losing her through alzeimers!!! Her children all keep in touch with me,.
When I first retired I did do all the things suggested on here, joined U3A and other specialist groups, Have made loads of aquaintences, but not friends.

The thing is, I am not sure that you can help someone else to make friends. You can advise them on groups or activities that they might like to join, but if they are not the friend-making sort, for whatever reason, the best they can probably hope for is the regular interaction that a shared activity brings, but at worst, if the experience isn't a positive one, they risk losing every remaining shred of self worth that they might have had,

BlueBelle - have to say my experience has been the same as yours. Over the years I have joined groups but, not having children (and therefore grandchildren) find I am left out of conversations, I tried volunteering in a charity shop but spent most of my time alone in the back of the shop sorting and steaming clothes. Walking into a new group alone is very daunting and when no-one says hello or explains anything then I just give up. I always say hello when I arrive and smile but I think when groups have been going to a long time "cliques" do form and they don't realise how hard it is for those of us who are alone looking for friendship.

Any U3A group is only as friendly as the people in it. It's nothing to do with U3A itself. Friendliness is a 2 way thing. Smile. Laugh at people's jokes. Ask questions. Show an interest in others. I'm sure you do all do this but it's worth repeating I guess.

Yes perhaps we should Stansgran

Gillybob perhaps we should have a ne meet up.

Alima wrote " I have sort of withdrawn and try and make it look like I am better off on my own. I think I have dug myself into a hole now. It isn't easy"

Oh how I relate to this. It could have been me writing .

When I retired a couple of years ago I was really looking forward to joining the local U3A. I found it so unwelcoming, most of them were either with their partners or in their own little cliques and not open to let others join them. I went to the meetings for several months then stopped going as I felt so uncomfortable. I do go on some of the days out now and again and theatre trips but find I have sort of withdrawn and try and make it look like I am better off on my own. I think I have dug myself into a hole now. It isn't easy.

I am like your sister in law Newquay. I have no friends whatsoever. I work alone most of the time in a small office at the front of an engineering workshop. Sometimes I am happy just to see the postman and days do get quite lonely. I don't have a dog but do force myself to go for walks along the beach etc. but no-one would talk to a woman on her own would they? I did join my local WI (which I love) but that's only one evening a month and I am rarely able to take part in other activities due to work and family commitments.
It would be nice to have a friend to talk to and share things with so I can totally understand how your SiL has become depressed but you can't force anyone to do something they aren't comfortable with. I don't have anyone to blame for my situation but myself, so just have to make the best of it I suppose.

HildajenniJ I also go to a knit and natter group which fortunately is more of knit and raucous laughter group.

I tried one with the U3A but they were po faced beyond belief. No humour or silliness I just know my sense of humour would not go down well .
My best friend emigrated several years ago and I do not have a confidante.

Ooh bluebell it makes my blood boil when I hear of groups not being welcoming! Grr!
I joined a local choir a couple of years ago, turned up asked where my part were, pointed to a row (not many people had arrived) asked the lady at the end if this was the row for my part-"yes but all those seats are taken"! So where shall I sit then? Try at the end of the row. So. . . . I asked someone else where it got my music, in room next door. . . .well, it takes a lot to put me off, in fact I saw them as something of a challenge. Now a group of us from my part meet up from time to time for meals etc and I jolly well make sure if there's anew face we make her welcome, find her a seat, get her music, ask at the end how she got on and look forward to seeing her the next week. It's not hard to make folks welcome just takes a little effort and it pays off!

I found the U3A bridge group was good for socialising. There's something about a shared focus that helps. I like the tea and chat breaks best. Now I can play a bit I'm enjoying social bridge :lunch and a blether then a few games of bridge. Lovely. Maybe it helps that I'm rubbish at it so make others seem very good!

Not everyone lives in an area where there are lively groups to join we used to have a very healthy college (hobby courses) but they have all gone with the cuts I have a best friend I can tell anything to but she's ten years older than me so I don't know how I ll manage if anything happened to her I have two other close friends but they both have husbands I meet up with others for lunch or coffee dates but they are not all on my wavelength we do have a u3a but I m told it's really cliquey I joined an art/ craft group but everyone had gone with friends and no one was open to a single joining in There was lots of in jokes and ' outside the group' chat and although I stayed about 6 months it wasn't that comfortable

I've sort of discovered that I seem to have accrued a whole new social circle since I've retired. Not something I deliberately set out to do though.
If you go out and about, join groups of various sorts, learn some new activity etc it gradually happens. You do have to make the effort though. I continued some work on a voluntary basis too.
If I want a day to myself I can have one or if I want to get out and about and meet people I can too. There's something about the luxury of time that helps. Maybe your SiL will be fine when the time comes. Don't deliberately set out to make 'friends'.

Thanks for all your suggestions. As she still works full time-and will have to for many years yet- she isn't around in the day. I'm in U3A but I thought it was for retired/part time workers so, again, it wouldn't work for her.
She was a brilliant badminton player and on her local "meet up" group there are badminton groups but mostly at 7.30 when she won't have been home long.

Franbern I do feel for you. my best friend of over 30 years has not died -her body lives on- but she has dementia. She's not the person she was and hasn't been for 5 years. I miss her terribly and often come back from visiting in tears. I sit at the wheel of my car and cry my heart out as I don't want to show my family how I feel. They do know but its not news for eveyday and once home I can chat about other things.

We met here in Germany, both being English in German-English families. When our children were teenagers we used to sit for hours complaining about them in a very English way with black humour. That would have been impossible with German friends who are very loyal to their families and would not criticise them outside the family.
That perfect understanding was something we had from the beginning and every meeting either for coffee or a day out shopping was full of shared laughter and now she is gone.

I now have a couple of friends but actually no one to take her place.
I wish I could give advice but actually meeting such a friend is like falling in love. You are lucky to meet someone you like who likes you and has time for you. Often these very close friends were made when you were at school or work and when you're retired it is not so easy.
But not impossible.....but its takes time.

I've never felt the need for close friends, although I do like to socialise with other like minded people. I joined our local "knit and natter" group. We meet every Wednesday in the library with our knitting, crochet, cross stitch or whatever project we have on the go. Have a cup of tea and a good chat. It's all the social interaction I need. Perhaps your friend could do something like that as a way to make friends.

Sorry - second one should work.