At my wits end

Nothing amazes me about the inhumanity of the NHS.

When my aunt, who cared for her husband, had a stroke and was also diagnosed with dementia, despite everything I, who worked for a charity for the elderly, and another cousin, who was an NHS hospital consultant in another part of the country could do could stop her being discharged back to her home with no equipment to help her get out of a chair or move around, let alone get to the loo.

Social Services did their compulsory discharge assessment without visiting my aunt in hospital or visiting her home to assess it and the state of her DH. Nor did they inform me, her next of kin, that she was being discharged.

I discovered her at home some hours after she arrived when I made my daily visit to my uncle. The care package, 3 half hour visits a day was grossly inadequate for two physically and mentally disabled adults who could not prepare food and needed supervision at meal times plus help with personal care.

It was left to me to sort the mess out. In the end they went into care, but I had to sort everything out. I ended up in need of care myself.

Luckygirl I was lied to constantly by Social Services and, when caring for other family members, by the NHS. Their other tactic, used regularly, is emotional blackmail, I was subject to that as well.

That's helpful Luckygirl thanks.
To devongirl about the other post, do not feel bad. I have been looking at GN as a distraction which gives me something else to think about, but still careless of me to post without putting brain in gear!

"the "discharge liaison person" went to see my mother and told her she must leave within 48 hours and they can legally force her to go to any nursing home, against her will." - NOT true. Contact PALS at the hospital and also CAB for legal advice.

Your mother has been lied to. This is a disgrace. I am gobsmacked.

Luckygirl I thought we should at least be able to see where my mother is placed before they discharge her but the "discharge liaison person" went to see my mother and told her she must leave within 48 hours and they can legally force her to go to any nursing home, against her will. My mother was left very upset as she has a leg in plaster, totally arthritic and on strong painkillers, vulnerable and dependent. I contacted them and they said they addressed it with her as she has mental capacity, and had refused offer of two nursing homes. The inhumanity of it is breathtaking and I wonder how many people are aware of how the elderly (who cannot fend for themselves) are being treated in our "health" system. I am now in despair. I have refused two places as they were awful but sadly feel there's nothing more I can do to protect my mother.

I have pm'd you devongirl to make sure am not accused of advertising.

The home is in Devon so I presume not a million miles from you!

luckygirl, that home sounds amazing, was it privately run? (where is it and what was it called?)

"loving " care.

Please remember that the pressure on hospital beds is NOT your responsibility and you must not let this rush you into a decision. The local health authority and the SSD are responsible for making sure that there are sufficient hospital and care home beds - NOT you.

Your responsibility lies with your mother and nowhere else.

If she blocks a bed for a bit, then that it unfortunate, but you have to put that out of your mind completely.

My mother stayed in hospital longer than they wishes, but there was no way she was going to somewhere that was substandard. We too were told that a specialist dementia nursing home was required with extra 1:1 care. All the places we saw were unacceptable (that is being polite) so we used our gut instinct to direct us to a residential home where the atmosphere was like a family and living care was provided. She was fine there, and they took my Dad under their wing too and he had his meals there. He too went there when he became incapable of living alone and, like my Mum, he lived there contentedly till he died.

Do not let yourself be railroaded into something that you know is not right for your Mum.

Lazigirl just read your post, you mentioned your mum's problems in a PM to me last week and I feel really bad now about taking you to task over a post you had written when obviously totally preoccupied with this.

If it's any help, when my mother had a fall she was discharged to the local community hospital. A general kerfuffle then started, because one brother wanted her to go home (which had become totally impractical) and other bro/aunt/I wanted her to go into residential care; in the end a meeting was held with an independent person representing my mother, to resolve where she would be discharged to.

Sorry to ramble, bottom line, is there a community hospital she could go to while you look at available places?

Good idea Nanab but I'm up against the fact that although my mum in hospital near me she lives a distance away and they will only fund in her area. I also realise now that the reason the homes they've offered haven't been good is that they will only fund the very cheapest because of budget constraints. I wish she would agree to sell her house so that we could choose a better place but she is fiercely independent and is determined to recover and return home! She is a strong woman but will be the death of me....

In that case I would make a list of homes and spend some time popping in for visits and if not good enough cross it off and if it is good then have a shortlist of acceptable places for when they do offer a place.be prepared.

Thanks everybody. I felt so much better just writing about my concerns. I feel helpless because beds in homes are in such demand here that as soon as social worker informs me of one I have to decide immediately, and if I want to view it's too late and usually gone within the hour! The only one I did manage to view with reasonably good CQC report smelt of urine and manager seemed totally disengaged. I had to agree to it but too late, it had gone!

We had to find a place for mil pretty quick after an illness and dementia escalating rapidly which made it necessary for her to have 24 hgour care which we could not give her.
We spent a week looking at a lot of local dementia nursing homes . We were told it had to be a nursing home not a care home and they had to specialise in dementia . So it was narrowed down to a high degree. The first half dozen were an immediate no due to strong smell of urine as you walked in , one made my eyes water.
Then We went to a few that passed the urine test but when staff were asked about entertainment they were clueless .We were told they can watch dvd's.
Another we just did not like the feel of the place .Eventually we chose one purely because ...
A... No smell
B.. Staff members we spoke to were very animated when talking about the residents and their care
C...Every resident looked cared for . I will not say happy because some just quietly sit locked in their own little world.
D...Evidence of entertainment taking place , it was like a schoolroom with painted hand prints and Halloween things everywhere that staff had made with residents (it was october) and knitting taking place .
E... Manicures were also being done while we walked round.
F.. You could personalise the rooms. We made mil's very pretty .
G.. A calendar of social events was in place.
All in all she was in there for 7 happy and safe years with just one hiccup along the way but it was dealt with swiftly.

Good for you Mini, I would far more prefer to live in an environment that, albeit a little shabby but had caring and dedicated staff than a show piece scented with designer candles and residents who had been conveniently tidied up.
We came across this scenario on several occasions and residents returned to their rooms before our scheduled visits, and found them to be unwashed and still in their nightclothes. Shocking. We did report these incidents.

So right JudyP When my DM and I were looking for somewhere for my DF we went to a beautifully kept home - immaculate, fresh-smelling, tidy. The Manager was very helpful and seemed pleasant. On leaving, I asked my DM whether she'd noticed something a little odd. 'No,' she replied. 'Where were all the residents?' I asked her. Not one of them in sight, they had evidently all been tidied away into a cupboard! My DF did not move in!!

As a student nurse I spent 3 months visiting care and residential homes with a very experienced community sister. She told me she always gauged the quality of the homes by the state and demeanour of the residents, especially the ladies.
Was their hair clean and nicely done, clothes coordinated, nails clean and manicured, makeup done if they normally wore it, jewellery worn? If so, whoever had helped to prepare them for the day obviously respected their wishes and autonomy that morning.
As long as the home was safe and clean she wasn't fussed about fancy decor either or hi-tech gadgets, how many elderly would choose to sit in front of a 44" TV all day long in their own home?
Observe how the staff interact with the residents, are they happy to sit and have a chat or just listen?
It is a mine field out there and I wish you and your Mum well.

Definitely don't be guided by just the outward appearance of the homes. My DM spent her final days in what had once been a mansion, which had seen better days, BUT, it was spotlessly clean, had wonderfully caring, thoughtful staff and was run by a brilliant manager.

Just as an aside which may be useful. We had a price of £580 per week for the care home and the Social Worker said they would only pay £380 per week (back in 2011). I said I would pay the difference, but on the day we needed to decide on a home (of course you never get time to sort things out), the home offered to take her at the £380 rate as they had a few empty rooms.

I agree with Luckygirl, go and visit homes in the area, you will get an idea of the set up, its nice, caring staff you want. We visited a couple in a rush for my Mum, one was like a home for old Dowagers, was beautiful, ornate and all twin set and pearls, my Mum would have soon been either pee'd off or evicted. She was really happy at the one she eventually went to as the staff loved her sense of humour and they made her feel really special (she was, I suppose). The interaction with the staff was what was the best thing for her. I hope you are able to get something sorted out soon and feel less stressed.

Oh laziegirl how I feel for you I had similar with my mum she had a fall the hospital rightly wanted her out the bed and the place I was offered was disgraceful ....a very very young girl opened the door to us there was a torn net curtain at the window and a smell of urine pervading the house We were ushered to a common room and I sat in a chair next to an empty chair with a packet of cigarettes and a lighter on the seat I left mum came home put my head in my hands and knew I couldn't leave her there I dragged a single bed downstairs into the dinning room and rang a friend to see if she would take me back to the home to get her I brought her home, took two weeks off work and hunted online while looking after mum and sleeping on the floor next to her bed
I found somewhere that was more than halfway to decent and although it wasn t perfect it seemed the best we could find with our limited resources mum stayed there until her death 7 years later
I wish you all the luck in the world it is disgraceful what some if the homes get away with and the horrendous prices they charge

One of my uncles went in to a care home for a week or two after being in hospital, then we suggested he stay until after Christmas (he came out of hospital in late October), then he wait until the winter was over. By Easter he was so settled and happy and had made friends so he decided to stay.

I had the same situation with my mother. Social services put us on to the only one they could recommend which wasn't at least an hour's drive away. We had to move fast because if we dithered somebody else would have snapped it up.

We looked round during a busy time. The reception area seemed chaotic with unpacked deliveries everywhere but the staff were friendly and the lounge/dining room where lunch was about to be served had a cheerful atmosphere.

We really had no choice but to agree to her being moved there and it turned out to be the right decision as the care she received was excellent.

I also hope you find the right place for your mother.

So sorry to hear this - when my mother was in need of nursing/residential home care, the hospital sent us to look round some places that were truly appalling, in spite of reasonable CQC reports, so the reports are not always to be trusted. I would suggest that you go and take a look at the homes in question - go at a time when visitors are there and ask them how they feel about the place. They will give you an idea and also your own gut instinct - it is not always the physical luxury; it is the attitude of staff that matters - how do they speak to the residents - do the residents seem relaxed and at ease?

Sometimes the CQC commission reports are ticking boxes rather than picking up on the atmosphere. So don't despair - rely on your instincts a bit. Go and take a look.

I do hope you can find the right place and that your Mother recuperates in comfort and peace.