Statements never likely to be said.

I know exactly where my keys/glasses/wallet are

The tax man 'yes we are sorry we have sent you three letters all saying different things and you do not owe anything'

Scottish midges are extinct!

(DH) From now on I will always say "Yes of course I will do whatever you ask me to do, TODAY" and never say "yes ok TOMORROW".

What Norah said.

No, don't pick up that shovel I have cleared the dog poo from the grass!

' It has been announced that every country and person in the world is at peace with each other. '

'It has been announced that every single country and person in the world is at peace with each other. '

Darling, the tablets have worked and my headache has gone-interested?

The sun will never shine again.

I've been beaten to 'Congratulations, you've won £3,000,000 on the lotto, we understand you don't want publicity and we won't try to persuade you otherwise.

Put your feet up dear I will cook tonight. Would you like a glass of wine while your waiting.
Let's go out for dinner today somewhere in the country, nice pub meal and a walk afterwards.

Me to myself: 'There is no need to worry'

This Blue Badge has been dealt with and will be issued immediately.
(After half an hour on the phone trying to track my mother's BB. She's 95 and filling the form in took ages- has there been any improvement in her condition? will it improve in the future? WTF do they think!)

Brexit has been cancelled. The UK pension will rise by 20% for all from the age of 60 immediately.

"The garage is tidy and I've got rid of all the things that might come in useful one day" and "Before I start this job I'll check to see if I already have the wood, screws, shelf brackets, tools, filler, sandpaper etc before buying more."

I have finished sorting out all the crap treasures in the loft

Don't start that ironing - I'll do it.

Notnecessarilywiser,
That's the best one so far. Lol

Grandma, here is the £1100 I borrowed from you over a year ago.

Can't wait for Friday when I get my mammogram said no woman ever.

Why don't you come for tea on Sunday mum?
(pathetic eh!)

These have made me laugh! Mine would be 'I'll cook/wash up tonight darling' or Let's go out for a meal tonight and I'll drive home so you can drink!'

This cake is full of protein and healthy nutrients, has hardly any sugar and isn't fattening.

Does anyone know when the next DFS sale is likely to be on?

I've won the lottery.