Feeling annoyed and guilty!

sunseeker don't feel guilty, pruning the bush won't harm it, if I were you I would try to contact the cemetery authorities about it before it gets out of hand.

grannysue05 I am sorry you lost your daughter when she was a child. My daughter was 12 when she died. On the occasion of what would have been her 21st birthday, gifts and cards appeared - including a very heart-wrenching message from someone I can only assume was a classmate - so full of grief, it shocked me and left me feeling that this person must have issues of their own at that time. Every valentine's day her childhood sweetheart remembers her by placing a gift / card. I have found these things a bit troubling. I do also struggle when the gifts are 'tacky' - not to her taste let alone mine and a bit of an eyesore in the graveyard. But I try to remind myself that her grave is a public space and I guess, if it brings others comfort, then so be it. I don't feel she is 'there' - this is just a space we keep in memoriam. I like to leave sunflowers on her death day - in late August - so cheerful and glorious.

My father used to tend my sisters grave and he liked to plant shrubs etc. Since he has gone we removed them as they interfere with being able to keep that part of the graveyard mowed. When I pop in which isn't often I take a pot plant or clean up the existing one if it's still alive. I water all the other plants in this part of the graveyard - much to my DH's annoyance - I like to think people would give my plant a drink in this warm weather, so I do the same for them. Don't feel guilty I'm sure whomever planted it didn't mean it to intrude and would be glad someone has pruned it- we felt guilty removing my Dads planting but he had always planned to replant when they outgrew their space - that just didn't happen in his lifetime. They would be grateful - I would - but don't take on their grave as your burden, just keep it clear if your DH's plot.

On my DD's grave (she died as a child), I like to put holly at Christmas time.
Every year someone puts tacky toys and crosses on the grave. It is very upsetting because I do not know this person.

There is a huge tree at the back of my mum and dads grave.i don't think people realise when they plant them just how much they grow over time. Sorry should have said it's in the grave behind my mum and dads. The graves either side of this grave are overshadowed I don't know how the two families feel about it and if anything can be done.
I think if it was me I would talk to the local council and see if anything could be done you never know.

For all these reasons are why I want to be cremated they all say they will visit but rarely do besides I hope I will be in their hearts and minds, you don't need a gravestone for that.

I would definitely mention it to the management of the cemetery ....is it a 'stand alone' cemetery or part of a crematorium, for instance ? Both of my parents and their parents are in the same cemetery but since all were cremated and their ashes scattered it is not a problem of maintenance ......most cemeteries have a scheme for maintaining the graves for an annual fee ....which is not a lot I am told ,,,you could ask about that ,,,and mention the problem with the bush that is overgrown. I cannot imagine anyone would have a problem with you trimming it back ..if they do not visit very often, maybe they live a long way away ,,then the would probably be glad someone was keeping it tidy ! It is kind of you to do so !

I second what everyone has said. When I visit I always throw away any dead flowers nearby and wouldn't hesitate to cut back any overgrown shrubs if needed. I would be grateful to anyone reciprocating.

Thanks for all the replies. The cemetery is council owned and the grass is cut regularly and the majority of the graves are reasonably tidy.

I just felt a bit guilty because I thought if the plant meant something to the person buried there or to the family they may have been upset that someone cut it back. I only cut those branches which were coming over the side of the plot and preventing me reaching that side of my DH's grave to clean it.

chocolatepudding that must have been awful for you. In the cemetery where my father is buried (different to DH) the flower holders are regularly stolen (I have replaced my father's 3 times) flowers are taken and even toys from children's graves - I really don't understand the mentality of some people.

Please trim the shrub back and I second everyone who tends various graves to keep the cemetery in some sort of order.

My elder sister died when only a few days old and is buried in a very pleasant part of Surrey. I am the only member of my family still living in the UK and I cannot get to the grave as often as I would like.

Nearly 20 years ago I visited the grave which was in an uncared for part of the church cemetery at the bottom of the hill. Bracken at least 4 ft high covered the entire area and the graves.

Someone had carved three swastikas in my sister's gravestone.

I was very upset and arranged for the stone to be recut. The churchwardens were horrified as there had never been any vandalism in the graveyard. The whole area was cleared of weeds and is now regularly mown. Fortunately I have a friend who lives fairly nearby and she kindly checks the grave for me.

If I could get my hands on whoever did the damage........

Don't worry about it. It is highly unlikely anyone is going to complain. You did right to "prune" it...it will help it to survive.

We do the same when we visit my parents grave, sunseeker, tidy shrubs and restore anything that has blown over. I suspect you only feel guilty because of perfectly understandable irritation at being scratched. As others have said, the shrub will come to no harm, you did nothing wrong.

My brother is breed about an hours drive away. Mum used to visit every fortnight or so taken by one of us. Since she died none of us have gone as we barely remember him.

We have sorted the problem by clearing the grave and then contributing to the fund for maintaining the grounds.

I echo what wildswan says. I do not visit my daughter's grave very regularly, - I no longer live local to it, but when I do I tidy the ones around it. And when I come along, I often find evidence that someone else has been thoughtful ... it is a nice thing. Sunseeker, you have nothing to feel guilty about. for you xx

If I was in the position of not being able to visit and tend for a family grave (whether because of health or distance) I would be delighted that other kind people keep an eye on it for me. Trimming plants back or picking up any litter etc would be so kind and much appreciated.

We visit the grave of friend to replenish flowers etc as his wife now lives a couple of hours away. A grave one away never has anyone tending it as his family are in UK - they planted bushes on the grave which have of course now grown to a large size . We have tried to contact the daughter to ask if she would like us to give the lavender etc a trim but so far have not managed to get a reply.

I think I must take my secateurs next time as one bush is now obscuring the headstone.

Don't feel bad about it you did the right thing. Can you not talk to the owners of the cemetery about the shrub/tree on next grave?

You have no reason to feel guilty. The plant was untended and overgrown so you cut it back. If anything you'll have done the plant a favour. They often respond to a hard cut back with healthy new growth.