Family needing help.....

P.S. Travelling alone I find daunting due to mobility problems so thankful for the internet and when my DD's are able to visit me.
Any one care to swap shoes?

veda

veda {flowers}

I think you need to be honest and say it's not what you want to do and that you are looking forward to making some plans in your retirement now.

Why SHOULD you move away? We often had that thought when elderly parents became a burden, but in the end we just had to say it wasn't possible to provide care on the level expected.

No, it didn't go down very well, but it's your life and you deserve to enjoy it!

stut5182
I have heard of kids moving away from parents but this is knew to me.
My youngest DD married an American and lives four thousand miles from me,my eldest decided she wanted to go and live where she was born.We had many years ago due to DH work moved from one end of the British Isles to the other.How I miss my kids no matter how many issues we may have had in the past.

My daughter and her husband were considering getting a dog when their youngest was about a year old. The suggestion was that we could share the dog (me have it most of the time and they have it at the weekend?). I didn't clarify the situation as I said that if I wanted a dog I would have had one. In any case I prefer cats. I told her that having a puppy was like having another baby and they had three children already. A dog was never mentioned again.

Oh dear OP ...
As children - grown up children, we can still take our parents woefully for granted, but sometimes they enable that in us too ... I can look back on a time when my parents looked after my DD1 5 days a week - and I didn't say 'thank you' even nearly enough, or wonder if it was a bit much for them - but then /I thought they would have said if it was ... I somehow thought that it was a privilege for them and that made it ok - after all, they did say 'YES'. HOWEVER, if my mum and dad had said 'Actually...we can't manage that, " I think I would not have resented them and would just have made other arrangements.
I hope you can find the words to explain that as you get older, especially having already given so much time to supporting your family, you really need - not just 'deserve', but NEED time for yourselves. Whether it is an out and out 'Sorry, but no' to their request, or you offer some help, they need to know your boundary and you need to set it. I don't think it will be the end of the world for them ...

If you really don" want to look after the dog you will have to say so. This is when people feel taken for granted when other people make assumptions. Dog owners see their pets as part of their family and probably don"t realise that not everyone else does. Just tell them you are now looking forward to some new found freedom and don,"t want the ties and responsibility it would involve. It's up to them in the end to sort this out and not your problem.

Hard though it might be stut5182, you really do need to say no to this request. I'm afraid they are being very selfish and trying to use a touch of emotional blackmail. You deserve your own time to do things whilst you are still fit enough to be able to. An occasional day looking after pooch is one thing, but 5 days every week?!! Definitely "NO".

Feel for you, I retired early from work to look after my three grandchildren so that my daughter could go to uni full time for three years to become a midwife, it wasn't easy as they lived with us, but we loved every minute of it, but now I work two days a week and I'm still looking after them so having to still fit our life around them, I think now it's just expected that we are the childcare and when we say no to a weekend if we have plans or plan a holiday it's an inconvenience can never do right for wrong, seems to be what is expected of most parents these days, but we have learnt to say no sometimes.

No don't do it!. It's too much of a responsibility and very unfair of your daughter to ask. Tell her to use a dog minder who will take the dog out for an hour each day.
Make sure the dog minder is registered and insured. Stand your ground and say NO you do not want the responsibility. Your daughter is being irresponsible in not sorting this out before taking on a full time job, poor dog too?.

Why do parents worry about saying no to adult children. And it seems to be getting worse. No wonder some of the younger generations have such a sense of entitlement.

I have the opposite problem in that I hardly see my grandson and when we do they don't want us to look after him so I have now given up offering. Trust me you can't win. Most friends with grandchildren are put upon but I would like just a taste of that.

Apologies again! The first half of my post has disappeared into literally thin air

SORRY! Hadn't quite finished !!!

Don't want to look after the dog!
You don't need to explain unless you want to! It should be obvious.

My first and only childcare stint ends next week! Adore him, of course. But just want my life back!

My DD asked about after school collecting at least 6 months ago. I said "once a week, no more". Yet she's continued to drop it into the conversation many times. Do I feel guilty! Hell no. I just reiterate "once a week" and he will have to stay for after school care ...

On a similar subject, my DD & SIL had developed a habit of getting stuff delivered to my address. Fine if it was a letter but very irritating if I had to wait in. Anyway they ordered a mattress & the delivery turned up on the 3rd date. So I spent 3 days waiting for it. That was the end of me accepting any deliveries. I wonder what people without parents locally do. They organise their own lives.

For you to consider moving .... Unless you fancy a change ..... To me that's beyond me. Just say "NO" and mean it ....

I hope you find the courage to utter that little word. So much easier than doing things you don't want to. Good Luck

Excellent comment, Monica, so true. I'm still learning.......

Be careful. We took care of my daughter until she was 42 & more or less brought up her son only to have her up & go to live with a woman in Australia, six years ago today. She left her son who was aged 15. He stole from us & they are now both out of our lives at a time when we need the comfort, love & help of family. I am still utterly devastated.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You must say NO, if you wanted a dog you would have one of your own surely! There is a world of difference between children and animals. (Yes, there really is)

Nor does saying no to the dog equate to losing a connection with the family ...you will be needed one day a week. Develop new routines with the family with that !

So what has been happening with the dog up to now? Were you looking after grandson and dog at his house, or at yours?

If you like dogs you could let your daughter drop it off to you, as long as you can leave it at your house alone if you want to go out (yes dog hairs etc I know), and stipulate that she has to walk it when she gets back, or find a dog walker , on the days when you do not want to, or cannot, take it out yourselves.

Or maybe agree to look after dog once or twice a week, but leave some days to yourselves. Daughter has just got used to the idea that your purpose in life is to be there as a stand in mum for her family. If she didn't even consult you before accepting the job she needs a wake up call. You and DH need to relax and enjoy life while you still can (hopefully for many more decades).

Frankly this is a bit ridiculous....you are seriously contemplating moving away because you cant say No to looking after a dog? I have deliberately said it like that to try to highlight how daft it is! Saying No does not equate to how much you love your family ! Loving does not mean always subjugating ones own wishes to others!!

Dear Nannarose, wonderful idealism, I hope it happens for you like that. Yes stut5182 its time to say No to the dog- you have a life left to live too! Believe me you will be no worse off for it. Good luck once the conversation is done its done!!!

I think making that assumption is totally out of order and maybe they are taking you for granted? I would help for holidays maybe but certainly not every day, if they want a dog they have to organise care for it. This is your life and if you're not careful you'll suddenly find yourself too old to do some of the things you've been promising yourself.

We spent years doing childcare and it's wonderful when the littlest ones are finally at school, so I understand. When we were then asked to see to the dog daily, we said no and immediately a neighbour offered to walk him every day. There must be another solution, but you won't know until you say you aren't able to do it. I'm sure doggy day care will soon be found from someone else. There are great dog walking companies everywhere now.